RAMBLINGS

I have often wondered when I see people, who have suffered a recent tragedy, loss or faced a trauma go about their routine chores and thought how is it possible for them to carry on as if nothing has happended. ? Are they not so deeply affected by what has happened ? How is it they are able to function normally and carry on mundane talks and routine chores as if there is no change in the daily routine inspite of having such a great problem or borne a big  loss. But now I have come to understand that there are times that the mind an body just function on an automaton without being affected by any happening or grief or trauma. Human beings are capable of carrying on with their routine chores, mundane conversation, relish food, admire beauty even if their mind is overloaded with grief, guilt , worry and what not. Probably, as some one said the mind is akin to a computer which compartmentalizes each area into various boxes and uses only those that needs to be used while just allows  the other area to lie idle and in wait and watching. The background process regarding the loss or shock just exists with or without our intervening thoughts. The said sorrow is just sitting there waiting for the mind to take cognizance of it. Some grief and thoughts are too big or huge but still can be overlooked and the person is able to enjoy, some one elses misery or a serial or a book . Is it  a conscious technique to just set aside and carry on or a compulsion or something that happens naturally, I am not able to fathom. But how ever much varied interests we develop , the constant thought or guilt lies like a stone always making known its presence and without intruding or interfering in other regular actions.
The miracle of a human mind I  think is the ability to continue as if nothing has happened even thought emotionally the person is tired , drained or broken. Admirable quality.. sometimes  I function as a n autamaton sometimes even if overcome with grief am able to shield from near and dear some times too exhausted to do anything. But what ever may be the methodology  I have a gift additionally and that is ability to sleep anytime- irrespective of the gravity of the issue. Does this indicate that I am emotionally dead or immune or that there exists a dichotomy between physical needs and emotional needs. No idea but time waits for none and rolls over. \
Sometimes I think it is shameful to behave like this some times i think I am superior for being able to carry on like this. But no matter what even if self pity creeps in I am able to go on.. Gifted that I am..
with sleep too...

A Dear Friend and Colleague - T.N.Vasumathi

April 1^st 2015, I lost a dear friend and colleague TN Vasumathi . I feel very sad and lost in her passing away. Was she  such a close friend to me - not exactly . I had known  her for the last ten years – she  was a good colleague who sincerely clarified my queries  and questions whenever I  approached her  without any hesitation. I consider myself a sincere worker but my sincerity is limited to my area of work and when  I don’t have any work I indulge myself in my various interests. Vasumathi was very unlike me - to her we come to office to work and work is the only thing that should be done during  office hours. After having spent four years in a particular section , I remember  having met her one early morning and told her “Madam  why don’t you seek a change . come join me in my section it will be a chance  to do a different  job and  we  will be able to manage things without any problems” .

She said “inspite of being long overdue for a shift ,nobody considers me for a change -  I had met the head of office 2 consecutive  years ,I have become like  fixture in this section and feeling bored. But,  I do not  intend to beg.”  After much difficulty, and efforts of one of her senior officer and very much as per my wish she joined my office and my section in 2012. Since then till the last day at office not a single day had passed without her greeting  “Good Morning Prema” . Those were always the first word she uttered on entering our room. Though we were not in the same section during the last one and half  years there never was a change in her treatment of me . she always used to come and share her thoughts, feelings and ideas  related to work or other wise . If she found me missing her early morning wish she would make special efforts to come and see if I have come to office. . What was so special about TNV is a question some might consider ? She was not only special but exemplary . I have never seen her in her youth and  but saw a photograph of her  when she joined the department in 1983 . She was smart and beautiful young girl  her intelligence was writ large on her face. She once confided in me that she had few hormonal issues for  which she was not treated properly and suddenly started developing severe headaches .She then consulted the leading neurologist of those days who diagnosed that she had a tumor in her pituitary gland and the same needs to be removed .

She underwent two major surgeries- one carried out erroneously other to rectify the same- and both were done by  opening her skull . Most of her gland  had to be removed she was then told that she would not be fit for a family life but TNV said it did not bother her too much  .To her it was a health complication resolved . A lesser person would have been depressed and sad at the kind of complication she had to face and problems encountered on daily basis, but to her her issue had been solved and had to be taken care of that is all .She was a spirited woman to whom it was one another problem to be overcome.  She refused to be an object of pity and despair and continued her days . During the course of her life she developed a lot of health complications including diabetes  and hypertension. Every day before leaving for office she had to take 10 tablets  for a problem free day but these were just a matter of  routine and not a cause of self pity ,sympathy seeking or depression - they were isuues which were to be dealt with  in a matter of fact way - rather than being made a  major issue. She had a great fondness for sweets ,good food ,saries and jewelleries . Never did a vendor visit our section and go without selling to her for at least Rs. 100 to her. She never treated any person in a deprecating manner. She was a strong willed and intelligent with excellent memory and a lot of empathy in her.

She was a person who scrupulously  maintained registers containing all changes / in budgets ,indirect taxes which was required for  our official work.She was an ardent fan of  “ The Hindu  Graffiti and health capsule” . She hated psycophants and artificial people and was vociferous in her complaints about them. She had excellent sense of wit an humor. Her  code of ethics and principles were unmatchable and she was lavish in her appreciation too. Though a devout person she abhorred practice of religion at office/work place.  To her office is a place to work.  Temple for prayer.  Similarly she was truly secular in the sense she never liked performance of  pooja etc. in a Governmnent office where she felt that people of all belief worked  and it was not fair to practice rituals of one community alone.

Her views on feminism and social issues were some thing that a number of people of her age group could never accept.   But she was  devoid of apology in her views about them.

She always felt that she need not lower herself or bend to cater to the needs of higher officials , no matter what the issue was.  She abhorred standing in front of higher officials for any favours even if she was justified in getting them.  She received the “Best Officer award this year 2015” and all her friends/acquaintences felt she was most deserving.  She hated using her health as an excuse for not performing her task.  She was punctual and self disciplined person with a very accommodating personality. She never could accept it if she was sidelined on account of her health . She was strong willed and determined to prove that she can do what needs to be done with no excuses at all.

As one of my friends rightly said she died the way she lived on her terms without troubling anybody be it family or friends and leaving a whole vacuum in our mind.

I will miss you Madam terribly -  your daily greeting in the morning – She was a warm affectionate humane friend whom I have lost and from whom I have learned a lot.  An ordinary woman who had extraordinary spirit  who taught me a lot on what determination is all about. Missing you Madam terribly. Lovingly yours.

10th Death anniversary of My Father

27.03.2015 is the tenth death anniversary of my father. Every parent makes a great impact on a child and my father was no exception. We were three sisters with no male siblings and this proved a great disappointment to our father.

My father was a path breaker  of his times, who came up the hard way. He managed to finish schooling and earned his way through the subsequent qualifications he received and became a Merchant Navy Officer through sheer grit , hard work and focused determination. There are countless stories he would narrate to us  most interesting  of them being telling us how he learnt typing,  how he managed to earn money to apply for jobs, how he was threatened with ostracisation for having chosen a sea-faring job, how he was insistent that he would marry my mom only .
There is no singular  aspect about him  that I want to write, but some of the thoughts that flow through my mind at various points  that I can recall about him .  I would like to tell a few lines about my siblings and me. Among the three of us , my elder sister was burdened with his hopes , aspirations and expectations to excel in studies, sports, music, house hold chores, cooking  and what not. A very meek and obedient daughter who very rarely raised her voice or presented her opinions to him till her wedding. After which too, he continued to play an important role in her life, which has impacted her in a very huge way. 

My younger sister , is one resilient person who  reacted very rarely  to   his demands and expectation, emotional expressions, but silently became (without being meek) an academic achiever and self made person in her own manner. Out of the three, I was my father's pet since day one and his  challenger and outspoken rebel almost till the end.

My mom was "only a housewife" who did speak occasionally but was always more concerned in ensuring that inspite of being "Girls" her children should be educated , employed and financially independent  during their life time. To this end, she has made a lot of sacrifices, undergone lot of hardships, made a lot of commitments and adjustments but was steadfast in her focus and goal of educating her girls.

If there is something I appreciate about my parents relationship it is that  , there was absolutely no secrets my dad kept from his wife. He was one person , who no matter what , will ultimately confess the thoughts, inputs, comments, feelings that plague his mind at various times. I still remember my mom telling me, that "all said and done, your father always informed me of his thoughts." Similarly , there is one area which he trusts only my mother's decision and that is in the area of food habits of children. He will blindly tell us to  eat what is put on our plate and till his last breath , ate what amma gave him. Of course, he was particular about the kind of food he wants, the way it was cooked and style of cooking and especially strict in not using the mixie for grinding but always insisted on the use of the traditional grinding stone  - that there should be only one type of cooking , no catering to individual tastes etc., but still all those would be the broad framework within which my mom was allowed to operate .And if he ever praised my mother it was always to state that she made the best chappatis and she had no inhibitions regarding food where as he was more particular. 

My father was a true dictatorial patriarch , because of whom I became a staunch feminist right from my childhood. As with every human being, there were a lot of positive and negative qualities in my father , I do not know how to say this, because or inspite of this he made a huge impact in all our lives.  

For a very long time, inspite of being my father's pet,  I felt that a father is a person to whom you go only as a last resort. He is the "king" of the house and mine was an "absentee king" due to his job. And my mom's ultimate  dictum of disciplining would be " please ask your  father".

Inspite of being strict , he was instrumental in making all of us, good correspondents, book lovers, information seekers, punctual, obedient beyond requirement, principled, honest and lot of other virtues and vices  which,  I am sure , left to myself , I would have simply not imbibed. The lazy truant that I am , I would have easily avoided taking the hard way  and would have been lazily lounging without a care in the dream world which I enjoy very much.

He was such a task master, who always had a proverb or saying to counter my arguments- as I was the only person who argued with him very frequently in whichever mood he was . His most favourite where "Charity begins at home", "Where there is a will there is a way", "You can take a horse to the water but you cant make him drink", "Penny wise , pound foolish|" , "Money is for spending but spending for useful purposes", " A bad workman blames his tools"  are some that rush to my mind now. Apart from this he used to give us more in malayalam, sanskrit , hindi and tamil .

For the last few days that which has been resonating in my mind is his favourite which was "kshama balam shakthanam, ashaktanaam bhushanam kshama"- meaning " Virtue of patience is the point of strength to the strong person and an ornament for the weak".

I am not a very patient person and unless the situation demands I do not like to sit still think/contemplate etc... but prefer to go forward with whatever I feel right. But it could be because of my broadening horizons, demands on me from my near and dear and my constantly thought filled mind, this particular proverb is ever present making me introspect at every turn whether I  am a mentally strong or mentally weak.

I never appreciated my father very much during his life time , though the adage that it is not right to speak ill  of the dead is not something I follow in the context of my father . However,  in the recent past , I find some of his ideas were and are   outrightly radical and progressive, even today  and which most parents are not willing to consider at all . What he told us around 30 years back seems to  make a lot of sense today too.

He has been one person, who taught me how to be and how not to be . Of course there are a lot of my acquaintances who taught this to me but he is one of the first who taught me both -  with his behaviour intelligence most importantly attitude.

In the concept of marriage - he always used to hold the thought that "just because I am father of a girl I would not allow the grooms side to dictate terms to me ". And inspite of holding on to this thought and following his idea , he had the best sons in law. All three of them were with him, especially the eldest son in law , who was with him from the day he entered our house as more of son and brother than an in law  till  the minute my father breathed his last. And we are all indebted to our eldest brother in law more ways than one - Me especially,  My eldest brother in law and his relationship with our family and me (specifically)  is a  topic on which I am sure I can easily write volumes.

My father was very lucky to have three excellent sons in law who were all excellent relations and human beings in their treatment of my father - irrespective of his behaviour towards them at various times.This is one fact my father kept harping on till he lost his cognitive abilities on 12th March , 2005. He kept repeating that  "inspite of all that I have done and not done to my sons in law and daughters , their treatment towards me is exemplary and I am forced to think if I deserve them at all."

Before he lost his voice I still remember he kept me awake throughout the night telling me about what he has understood about his daughters and sons in law and how blind he had been, how unaware he had been. On that particular day , what I most appreciated was that inspite of not being able to communicate and use the right words  he was determined to convey all that was in his mind . The words in his mind and those he uttered would not match and he would make me tell the synonyms, or similar words till he got what he want and then finish his sentence.

He told me " I do not know why, I am not able to talk the words in my mind , so I will tell you if  I have spoken a word  which does not make sense, help me find the right word for what I think." Frankly speaking I was irritated , because , I was tired of work during the whole day, had not seen my children  for more than 2 days, to top it all was feeling sleepy tooo. My father sensing my displeasure told me "please bear with me I know you are sleepy and tired ,but I feel if I do not share my thoughts today, I would not be able to do so later , so even if you are irritated , you have no choice but listen to me ". This was at 2.00 am. and with great disinterest I continued to converse with him. And true to his words , he lost his voice soon after and could not converse - which added to my guilt.

Similarly  his idea of parenting was a whole is not acceptable to me, he was one impartial parent  in all issues  that mattered and some of his ideas -though not same method- is followed by me till date.

Similarly, there are number of days I think that if my father had been the way he was in the last 6 months then,  at least for some time during his lifetime I am sure I would have benefitted a lot from him. His knowledge of politics, Law,- be it marriage laws, property laws, constitutional laws, direct taxation , indirect taxation, he made it a point to read and learn as much as possible,, similarly his ideas on construction , reading the fine print in every terms and conditions we agree too.. are some of the things that I  learnt by  observing him and would have been happy to learn from him.

He was an excellent mathematician and gave a lot of importance to every step  involved in the solution of a specific problem - be it academic or a day to day expenditure. My first memories of his teaching me something was in the topic of "buoyancy" in physics, which lesson I have not forgotten   and which made me decide to choose my sister as a teacher  as she was more patient with fools than my father.

Yesterday, while talking to my daughter  I learnt a valuable lesson , that it need not be your peers or elders alone who have something to teach you, even your kids have a lot to teach you. This was one lesson  which my father learnt  when it was too late for him and he regretted the fact very much.

Today , I feel, that no one can  claim to be the best parent, no method  of parenting can be claimed to be the best method, there are no hard and fast rules in parenting techniques, but if there is one thing , we can all do is always keep our ears , eyes and mind open to ideas, and inputs received from every human being -irrespective of their age /status/position or relationship .

What Are We Doing As Parents?

An early morning conversation with my colleague yesterday ,triggered a lot of feelings in me as a Girl/Lady/Parent and most importantly as a Feminist. 

My friend is a father of two girl children, I  casually enquired about the future academic plans of his elder daughter which set off the trigger in him.  He was very vociferous and bubbling with repressed anger on the demands of his "girl" "child". According to him, the child may have lots of plans , dreams, etc., but it was not in "his" portfolio to cater to the same.   Suppose, the child did not succeed the  chosen field, then there was no way she was going to be indulged by giving her a break of one yer for more intensive coaching and preparation, as she will be around 24 years on completion of the course. After all she is a girl and he has a responsibility  to get her married, which he proposes to do at 22 years. or maximum 23 years. so I suggested, any way after her schooling , let her go for a graduation in college and then decide. 

He said and " emphatic NO"  Why? sheer waste of money. She can always get a degree through correspondence try her luck doing something else parallelly, worse come to worst , after all  she is a girl and  "Üdhyogam  Purusha lakshanam". being a girl she can get a job in bank, government, public sector etc if required.

This attitude of my friend which I have been observing for the last 6 months has triggered a lot of questions in my mind.At this  point , I would like to add, that to my knowledge this is nto an isolated case, but the attitude of more than 60 % of my colleagues  and friends. 

It is important for a girl to study if possible professionally but the parents duty comes to an end only on her marriage. why? because she is our "responsibility and once given away in "kanyadaan" there ends the matter .

For more than 2 years I have been actively taking all steps to create awareness on the equality of sexes and promotion of the concept that there is a distinction between sex and gender. In this scenario, this type of interactions cause immense pain and rage in me , not knowing what to do  and a feeling of utter helplessness .

Why would not the parent not allow her education in a college? Simply because at this level or stage of schooling she has a lot of friends around 30-40 and the number will increase in college . Similarly her desire to acquire and possess all material things that her friends  possess like, cell phone, laptop, ipad, etc would also increase . He asks me , "do you want  me to waste money like that? No Not required, "Very feebly I suggested , why dont you sit and talk with the child and explain the family situation on all fronts, like economic, cultural, background instead of confrontation or a strict "no". 

He said, "No Not required, next you will say that I will have to dance to her tunes and satisfy all her needs and indulge her. No chance, that is not the way I operate. There has to be a limit and a line drawn. "

Now I am more than enraged , I am livid and it took all my self control to keep my lips shut and nose out of the issue. My mind started working overtime and issued all these questions to me one after the other :
1) What does he expect from the child?
2)If a child is adamant or demanding during its teenage, it would not have come all of a sudden, . How had we handled this earlier.? If our financial situation does not allow us to indulge our child then what is the harm in explaining the same to the child in the age appropriate manner, giving the child a sense of belonging and responsibility ?
3)Why does he feel that she is a subordinate  or someone who has to listen to him  only
and not express any of her ideas or notions?
4)What about the girl? what will be her mental state?Considering that she has to struggle for everything at every stage, be it for literacy,education, or economic independence.
5)Accepting he is right and the girls accepts all that he says, what guarantee has he that his "responsibility"is over after her marriage? or does that mean that any thing that happens to her after wedding is no more his concern?
6)What will happen to the girl after her marriage? how will she handle situations? suppose something goes wrong will the child be able to face life independently? Can she trust her parents for refuge? will she have the ability to trust and learn and assess people around her?
7) These days children are exposed to various people events, ideas etc. Assuming she confides her problems to a few of them, and is being taken undue advantage of then will she be able to face the situation and life after this?
8) Is that all a girls life is all about, studies , employment marriage?. She is only a matter of responsibility and nothing more.?

When I see these kind of people around me ,  I learn to differentiate and understand the difference between literate, educated and lettered. As Kalpana Sharma rightly said these people are "lettered" but are they educated?

No matter how much education, exposure we have, if we do not change our view point and attitude then what is the whole point. Are we wise because we know the tonnes of religious shlokas/mantras/verses and follow all rituals and ceremonies diligently and blindly without a care or thought to  the emotional, physical, pshycological state of the people around us.

When we point fingers we are very clear on where and with whom the mistake is . Is it not required of us to introspect and correct ourselves ? Is learning not about understanding and correcting our selves to evolve into a better  person.

I agree that there is no right way and wrong way in parenting  and I am the last person to advise another on how to bring up a child , when I am not aware of the concept, but I firmly believe, children always need our support and care specially when they are not fully independent. Hence, it is essential for us to assure them and reassure them always that we will be there for them  but at the same time  their overall development to emerge as an individual is also our responsibility.

It is not only our duty to school them in academics but also in behaviour, values life skills so that they they are able to lead their life with or without somebody's support.  

Why do I need feminism?

Everyday, a number of questions cross my mind on various issues, on their own or while seeing , peoples behaviour, attitude etc.. Today , one such discussion was with a couple of my friends who wanted to know what is it you want. ? In fact , they were saying that I was neither a full atheist , nor a full theist, nor agnostic,  could not accept me as a skeptic ?(if I delve into this topic this blog will never get written and so also our arguments also never end) I told them first and foremost  I am a feminist and then I am a humanist. They wanted to know why? and what  I mean by feminism? I said even in the days when I was a devout worshipper/religious person/ believer...... I was first a feminist. My father, the Head of the Family was a strict disciplinarian who believed in the dictum , My Ship My Order. Also , according to him , it is not required that women have education / employment / empowerment etc... It was my mothers sheer will, motivation and encouragement that made all three of us - GIRLS - educated, employed, empowered and independent both  individually and economically. 

My earliest memory of feministic argument started when I was around 8 years old and it has continued since. I was always against the discriminatory attitude meted out against girls and the double standards held between two sexes. However, there was very little I could do about it. My only wish which I had been mentioning till very recently was.  " If there is a next birth then in that case I would very much like to be born a boy and do JUST AS I PLEASE".  I do not know how many of  you can identify with this but ,that was a constant prayer. Because , anything I wanted to do ,  I was forbidden , or considered defiant simply because I was a girl and I had to do what was told to me. 

Now this being my background, if I considered something an unimaginable treasure, it is my friends, They were always there for me to ground me, console me, motivate me, educate me and help in my evolution and one act of rebellion which I continued from my 15th year was I had friends in both sexes much to the displeasure and anger of my father. But these friendships have gone a long way to make me what I am. But all this is beside the topic. 

Because, in todays discussion, the question was what is it that my group of Gender Awareness Promoters aim to achieve. What are we thinking and doing and how does it matter?. What do you want to achieve with YOUR FEMINISM. 

This Question is being thrown at me very often of late , by one and all, whether  near or dear or known or unknown. So the following is the introspection of my self and why I do need feminism . I am not sure I am going to be able to get all my points across , but I am going to give it my best. 

Here I would first love to state , that feminism is neither, mine or others but an absolute must as  50% of human population or "HALF THE SKY" as Nikolas Kristof  says is made up of women.

So the next question is Ok , So , what do you  want. ? Do you really think you are going to get freedom? If so what are you  going to do  with it.? I said I want to walk , act, dress, talk, behave and just BE what I want without being labelled as anything but just another human being. 

I do not want to be seen as a WOMAN but as a person who is in no way inferior or superior to another person.? 

So the next question thrown at me is How do you think you can achieve it . ?

Yes  I agree, it is a daunting task , but then it is important to educate the young people that binary difference of biological sex has got nothing to do with physical, mental, emotional, psychological capabilities and no one needs to feel less or more in comparison to another. and that is what we GAPies are doing.  And we are starting with children because they are growing and not filled with preconceived ideas , bias, notions and it is a good place to see the future being different from what it is. 

Next argument - No matter what you do in case there is a rape- it is only the girl who is affected and not the man or men who raped her. Yes accepted , that the personal inviolable space of the man /woman , girl/boy  and children (please understand that men do get raped) is violated.

Yes , the personal space of a girl is violated, but when she has to suffer enough, physical emotional, mental and psychological pain as one would with any other accident, plus the excessive display of aggression, brutality we take great pains in making it a matter of HONOUR too. which is totally absurd.  If I meet with an accident on the road , the injuries caused to me are also painful and intolerable to me and in the case of rape it is escalated to total violation of a personal space and more painful. To this if you add other ingredients like , dress code, boyfriend, honour and all nonsense it is manifold and totally unwarranted.  And dress has nothing to do since children as young as 3 mths and women as old as 91 years are also getting raped. 

So by creating this Gender Awareness among school children we would like to teach the young people that ...... we should care for another person irrespective of sex (male/female) or gender ( which is a whole broad spectrum). So when this topic touched the Broad spectrum of gender, they brought up the issue of LGBT. which again with the little knowledge I had I defended saying that  NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO QUESTION THE PERSONAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION OF A PERSON AND THAT IT WAS A PERSONAL MATTER. It is not an unknown component and has been existing in all eras/period including sex with beast , which as every claim is made  today is part of OUR  INDIAN CULTURE tooo. 

The next shot .... "then there will be no decorum in society if every body starts living for the individuals need. The very fabric of society is going to be torn and that is meaningless and useless talk". One of them said , "I really do not understand what exactly is that you want with your fight for FEMINISM".

In fact, I think thinking and writing about each aspect of todays discussion will be more than  I can achieve in this single post . So I took up the FEMINISM aspect alone.  Why do  I need feminism?

I need feminism , because 

•  I want the boys to feel it is ok to cry and not be called girlie or sissy in a derogatory manner
• I want the girls  who do not cry not be called , "cold hearted" , "not gentle", "too arrogant" "too self involved" "trying to act like a man when the right thing would be to be a proper girl  cry and get  it over  with "
• I want the boys to feel okay if  they do not feel like playing with a truck but happy with a bunny.
• I want girls to feel okay and nice if they do not want barbie but GI JOE.
• I want the girls to learn - flying, aeronautics, thermodynamics, quantum physics and all those things which is considered an exclusive male domain  - and be okay with  it . Rather than be told :"please remember you are a girl and in future you have to take care of family so choose that which will help you to balance both."
• I want the girls, to feel free and wear  bermudas, shorts, skirts, long or short, dresses which they are comfortable in rather than dresses which do not "attract" attention or "disturb even the best man"
• I want girls to be completely okay with not having any artistic talents like , stitching, cooking, cleaning, drawing, knitting etc and not considered a"girl" with "Weird" notions since all she likes is chess, squash, reading papers the first thing in the morning, and discussing politics and finance rather than cookery and jewellery. 
• In short, I want the girls to have all the advantage and opportunity that today's boys have and boys to indulge in all those aspects of life which they are nurturing secretly , and  they are prevented from due to sex based strictures. 

This need of what I want with " my feminism" is endless  but most of all  I want FEMINISM because I want every boy and every girl to be comfortable in their own skin, with their own likes and dislikes and without criticism or comparison based on sex or gender , which is hurtful  and needless. 

I do not know if  I have made myself clear or my narration is valid but this exercise of mine has helped me immensely in putting things in perspective and also to reassure me that the road taken by the GAPies is a long one and the journey needs to be taken if we want to reduce and eventually remove the sex/gender based bias , problems, objectification , issues in the long run . 

I AM HAPPY BEING A FEMINIST AND I STILL WANT FEMINISM. 

FREE THOUGHT PARENTING

Spent a very educative and enlightening weekend attending Swathanthralokam 2014- National Seminar on Freethought and Science 2014. There were 14 sessions in all which discussed various topics .Among the 14 sessions there was only a single women speaker Geetha Tg  and she spoke about Freethought Parenting.  The speaker spoke for almost an hour with interesting anecdotes and a well paced narration as to how parents should go about inculcating the skill of logical reasoning and deducing conclusions to children who are within the age group of 4 and 18. 

I shall try to enlist some of the salient points of this speech, which can be used by all parents not only freethinkers... but all parents.

1) Please do not insist on implicit obedience... This insistence of implicit obedience of a parent or an elder in age, position, authority etc... Confines the child and forces the child to comply with instructions which would harm the physical, mental and psychological space of the young individual... 

Ø  That does not mean no rules, or no disciplining...  it means establishing rules, /or a broad frame work and reinforcing the same but with appropriate reasoning. 

Ø  Why no implicit obedience... because one of the major cause for a child to succumb to abuse is this reinforced instruction of "obey your elders...period."

2) Encourage the inquisitive and questioning nature of a child and answer the question asked in the best way possible as appropriate to the age and as truthfully as possible, be it about how children are born, or why is it we have eye brows. 

Ø  Today we have a friend in Google, using which both the parent and the child can learn to seek answers to questions.

Ø  Why is it essential to allow children to ask  questions to us – This is simply because it is safe for them to gain information from parents rather than outsiders since the information so received would be adulterated /unwanted/ unnecessary/untruthful- myths and ideas exposing the  child to danger too.

Ø  Encourage the habit of reading among children, which is one way to teach them to seek answers to the various questions which they come across.

Ø  A parent should understand that if the child does not seek replies or clarification of doubts from them then the child is getting information from an outside source which is not appropriate.

Ø  Why do we need to inculcate habit of reasoning and logic? Simply because in the journey of life we cannot accompany our children always... there is a proverb in Tamil “கட்டிக்கொடுத்த சோறும் கற்றுக்கொடுத்த சொல்லும் எத்தனை நாள் நிற்கும்.”

3) Teach children humanism and consent

Ø  By which that all people, male, female, transgender, irrespective of caste/creed/colour/occupation are worthy of respect.

Ø  The values of ethics, morality, dignity, truthfulness etc

Ø  These things need not be taught through lectures or speeches or in a preachy manner but it is essential for us to seize an opportunity when it presents itself a use it as a teachable moment.

She narrated an anecdote, whereby Shri Babu Gogineni taught his son and play mates the concept of consent and the necessity to respect another’s “NO”. While the children were playing, his son wanted to take a photo which the other children did not want, on observing this he very politely and firmly said, please respect their NO and understand that they do not wish to be photographed. This was told politely and firmly that it made a very good impression not only on his child but also on the play mates.

Ø   Why do we need to teach consent? Why should a child understand that only YES is a yes... and a NO or a MAYBE is always a NO.  We do not have to analyse the reason, it is all around us in the society in the form of forced, marriage/love/sexual assault/acid attack etc. Men and young boys and girls too refuse to respect a NO from another and try by hook or crook to make it and yes. It is also widely evident in our movies and media.

4) Answer the questions of children without patronising or condescending ...Allow the children to learn about all religions. They not only get their inputs from parents but also from the society comprising of friends, teachers, neighbours, relatives ,media to say the least. It is important for us to teach children to differentiate between right and wrong inputs/behaviours/practices etc.  We should always remember that children learn not only that which is taught to them but also imbibe our responses, reactions to them and others.

It is not wrong for a parent to apologise for their mistakes to the children. It is important for children to know that parents also falter and make mistakes and are not all knowing...