27.03.2015 is the tenth death anniversary of my father. Every parent makes a great impact on a child and my father was no exception. We were three sisters with no male siblings and this proved a great disappointment to our father.
My father was a path breaker of his times, who came up the hard way. He managed to finish schooling and earned his way through the subsequent qualifications he received and became a Merchant Navy Officer through sheer grit , hard work and focused determination. There are countless stories he would narrate to us most interesting of them being telling us how he learnt typing, how he managed to earn money to apply for jobs, how he was threatened with ostracisation for having chosen a sea-faring job, how he was insistent that he would marry my mom only .
There is no singular aspect about him that I want to write, but some of the thoughts that flow through my mind at various points that I can recall about him . I would like to tell a few lines about my siblings and me. Among the three of us , my elder sister was burdened with his hopes , aspirations and expectations to excel in studies, sports, music, house hold chores, cooking and what not. A very meek and obedient daughter who very rarely raised her voice or presented her opinions to him till her wedding. After which too, he continued to play an important role in her life, which has impacted her in a very huge way.
There is no singular aspect about him that I want to write, but some of the thoughts that flow through my mind at various points that I can recall about him . I would like to tell a few lines about my siblings and me. Among the three of us , my elder sister was burdened with his hopes , aspirations and expectations to excel in studies, sports, music, house hold chores, cooking and what not. A very meek and obedient daughter who very rarely raised her voice or presented her opinions to him till her wedding. After which too, he continued to play an important role in her life, which has impacted her in a very huge way.
My younger sister , is one resilient person who reacted very rarely to his demands and expectation, emotional expressions, but silently became (without being meek) an academic achiever and self made person in her own manner. Out of the three, I was my father's pet since day one and his challenger and outspoken rebel almost till the end.
My mom was "only a housewife" who did speak occasionally but was always more concerned in ensuring that inspite of being "Girls" her children should be educated , employed and financially independent during their life time. To this end, she has made a lot of sacrifices, undergone lot of hardships, made a lot of commitments and adjustments but was steadfast in her focus and goal of educating her girls.
If there is something I appreciate about my parents relationship it is that , there was absolutely no secrets my dad kept from his wife. He was one person , who no matter what , will ultimately confess the thoughts, inputs, comments, feelings that plague his mind at various times. I still remember my mom telling me, that "all said and done, your father always informed me of his thoughts." Similarly , there is one area which he trusts only my mother's decision and that is in the area of food habits of children. He will blindly tell us to eat what is put on our plate and till his last breath , ate what amma gave him. Of course, he was particular about the kind of food he wants, the way it was cooked and style of cooking and especially strict in not using the mixie for grinding but always insisted on the use of the traditional grinding stone - that there should be only one type of cooking , no catering to individual tastes etc., but still all those would be the broad framework within which my mom was allowed to operate .And if he ever praised my mother it was always to state that she made the best chappatis and she had no inhibitions regarding food where as he was more particular.
My father was a true dictatorial patriarch , because of whom I became a staunch feminist right from my childhood. As with every human being, there were a lot of positive and negative qualities in my father , I do not know how to say this, because or inspite of this he made a huge impact in all our lives.
For a very long time, inspite of being my father's pet, I felt that a father is a person to whom you go only as a last resort. He is the "king" of the house and mine was an "absentee king" due to his job. And my mom's ultimate dictum of disciplining would be " please ask your father".
Inspite of being strict , he was instrumental in making all of us, good correspondents, book lovers, information seekers, punctual, obedient beyond requirement, principled, honest and lot of other virtues and vices which, I am sure , left to myself , I would have simply not imbibed. The lazy truant that I am , I would have easily avoided taking the hard way and would have been lazily lounging without a care in the dream world which I enjoy very much.
He was such a task master, who always had a proverb or saying to counter my arguments- as I was the only person who argued with him very frequently in whichever mood he was . His most favourite where "Charity begins at home", "Where there is a will there is a way", "You can take a horse to the water but you cant make him drink", "Penny wise , pound foolish|" , "Money is for spending but spending for useful purposes", " A bad workman blames his tools" are some that rush to my mind now. Apart from this he used to give us more in malayalam, sanskrit , hindi and tamil .
For the last few days that which has been resonating in my mind is his favourite which was "kshama balam shakthanam, ashaktanaam bhushanam kshama"- meaning " Virtue of patience is the point of strength to the strong person and an ornament for the weak".
I am not a very patient person and unless the situation demands I do not like to sit still think/contemplate etc... but prefer to go forward with whatever I feel right. But it could be because of my broadening horizons, demands on me from my near and dear and my constantly thought filled mind, this particular proverb is ever present making me introspect at every turn whether I am a mentally strong or mentally weak.
I never appreciated my father very much during his life time , though the adage that it is not right to speak ill of the dead is not something I follow in the context of my father . However, in the recent past , I find some of his ideas were and are outrightly radical and progressive, even today and which most parents are not willing to consider at all . What he told us around 30 years back seems to make a lot of sense today too.
He has been one person, who taught me how to be and how not to be . Of course there are a lot of my acquaintances who taught this to me but he is one of the first who taught me both - with his behaviour intelligence most importantly attitude.
In the concept of marriage - he always used to hold the thought that "just because I am father of a girl I would not allow the grooms side to dictate terms to me ". And inspite of holding on to this thought and following his idea , he had the best sons in law. All three of them were with him, especially the eldest son in law , who was with him from the day he entered our house as more of son and brother than an in law till the minute my father breathed his last. And we are all indebted to our eldest brother in law more ways than one - Me especially, My eldest brother in law and his relationship with our family and me (specifically) is a topic on which I am sure I can easily write volumes.
My father was very lucky to have three excellent sons in law who were all excellent relations and human beings in their treatment of my father - irrespective of his behaviour towards them at various times.This is one fact my father kept harping on till he lost his cognitive abilities on 12th March , 2005. He kept repeating that "inspite of all that I have done and not done to my sons in law and daughters , their treatment towards me is exemplary and I am forced to think if I deserve them at all."
Before he lost his voice I still remember he kept me awake throughout the night telling me about what he has understood about his daughters and sons in law and how blind he had been, how unaware he had been. On that particular day , what I most appreciated was that inspite of not being able to communicate and use the right words he was determined to convey all that was in his mind . The words in his mind and those he uttered would not match and he would make me tell the synonyms, or similar words till he got what he want and then finish his sentence.
He told me " I do not know why, I am not able to talk the words in my mind , so I will tell you if I have spoken a word which does not make sense, help me find the right word for what I think." Frankly speaking I was irritated , because , I was tired of work during the whole day, had not seen my children for more than 2 days, to top it all was feeling sleepy tooo. My father sensing my displeasure told me "please bear with me I know you are sleepy and tired ,but I feel if I do not share my thoughts today, I would not be able to do so later , so even if you are irritated , you have no choice but listen to me ". This was at 2.00 am. and with great disinterest I continued to converse with him. And true to his words , he lost his voice soon after and could not converse - which added to my guilt.
Similarly his idea of parenting was a whole is not acceptable to me, he was one impartial parent in all issues that mattered and some of his ideas -though not same method- is followed by me till date.
Similarly, there are number of days I think that if my father had been the way he was in the last 6 months then, at least for some time during his lifetime I am sure I would have benefitted a lot from him. His knowledge of politics, Law,- be it marriage laws, property laws, constitutional laws, direct taxation , indirect taxation, he made it a point to read and learn as much as possible,, similarly his ideas on construction , reading the fine print in every terms and conditions we agree too.. are some of the things that I learnt by observing him and would have been happy to learn from him.
He was an excellent mathematician and gave a lot of importance to every step involved in the solution of a specific problem - be it academic or a day to day expenditure. My first memories of his teaching me something was in the topic of "buoyancy" in physics, which lesson I have not forgotten and which made me decide to choose my sister as a teacher as she was more patient with fools than my father.
Yesterday, while talking to my daughter I learnt a valuable lesson , that it need not be your peers or elders alone who have something to teach you, even your kids have a lot to teach you. This was one lesson which my father learnt when it was too late for him and he regretted the fact very much.
Today , I feel, that no one can claim to be the best parent, no method of parenting can be claimed to be the best method, there are no hard and fast rules in parenting techniques, but if there is one thing , we can all do is always keep our ears , eyes and mind open to ideas, and inputs received from every human being -irrespective of their age /status/position or relationship .
I am not a very patient person and unless the situation demands I do not like to sit still think/contemplate etc... but prefer to go forward with whatever I feel right. But it could be because of my broadening horizons, demands on me from my near and dear and my constantly thought filled mind, this particular proverb is ever present making me introspect at every turn whether I am a mentally strong or mentally weak.
I never appreciated my father very much during his life time , though the adage that it is not right to speak ill of the dead is not something I follow in the context of my father . However, in the recent past , I find some of his ideas were and are outrightly radical and progressive, even today and which most parents are not willing to consider at all . What he told us around 30 years back seems to make a lot of sense today too.
He has been one person, who taught me how to be and how not to be . Of course there are a lot of my acquaintances who taught this to me but he is one of the first who taught me both - with his behaviour intelligence most importantly attitude.
In the concept of marriage - he always used to hold the thought that "just because I am father of a girl I would not allow the grooms side to dictate terms to me ". And inspite of holding on to this thought and following his idea , he had the best sons in law. All three of them were with him, especially the eldest son in law , who was with him from the day he entered our house as more of son and brother than an in law till the minute my father breathed his last. And we are all indebted to our eldest brother in law more ways than one - Me especially, My eldest brother in law and his relationship with our family and me (specifically) is a topic on which I am sure I can easily write volumes.
My father was very lucky to have three excellent sons in law who were all excellent relations and human beings in their treatment of my father - irrespective of his behaviour towards them at various times.This is one fact my father kept harping on till he lost his cognitive abilities on 12th March , 2005. He kept repeating that "inspite of all that I have done and not done to my sons in law and daughters , their treatment towards me is exemplary and I am forced to think if I deserve them at all."
Before he lost his voice I still remember he kept me awake throughout the night telling me about what he has understood about his daughters and sons in law and how blind he had been, how unaware he had been. On that particular day , what I most appreciated was that inspite of not being able to communicate and use the right words he was determined to convey all that was in his mind . The words in his mind and those he uttered would not match and he would make me tell the synonyms, or similar words till he got what he want and then finish his sentence.
He told me " I do not know why, I am not able to talk the words in my mind , so I will tell you if I have spoken a word which does not make sense, help me find the right word for what I think." Frankly speaking I was irritated , because , I was tired of work during the whole day, had not seen my children for more than 2 days, to top it all was feeling sleepy tooo. My father sensing my displeasure told me "please bear with me I know you are sleepy and tired ,but I feel if I do not share my thoughts today, I would not be able to do so later , so even if you are irritated , you have no choice but listen to me ". This was at 2.00 am. and with great disinterest I continued to converse with him. And true to his words , he lost his voice soon after and could not converse - which added to my guilt.
Similarly his idea of parenting was a whole is not acceptable to me, he was one impartial parent in all issues that mattered and some of his ideas -though not same method- is followed by me till date.
Similarly, there are number of days I think that if my father had been the way he was in the last 6 months then, at least for some time during his lifetime I am sure I would have benefitted a lot from him. His knowledge of politics, Law,- be it marriage laws, property laws, constitutional laws, direct taxation , indirect taxation, he made it a point to read and learn as much as possible,, similarly his ideas on construction , reading the fine print in every terms and conditions we agree too.. are some of the things that I learnt by observing him and would have been happy to learn from him.
He was an excellent mathematician and gave a lot of importance to every step involved in the solution of a specific problem - be it academic or a day to day expenditure. My first memories of his teaching me something was in the topic of "buoyancy" in physics, which lesson I have not forgotten and which made me decide to choose my sister as a teacher as she was more patient with fools than my father.
Yesterday, while talking to my daughter I learnt a valuable lesson , that it need not be your peers or elders alone who have something to teach you, even your kids have a lot to teach you. This was one lesson which my father learnt when it was too late for him and he regretted the fact very much.
Today , I feel, that no one can claim to be the best parent, no method of parenting can be claimed to be the best method, there are no hard and fast rules in parenting techniques, but if there is one thing , we can all do is always keep our ears , eyes and mind open to ideas, and inputs received from every human being -irrespective of their age /status/position or relationship .
No comments:
Post a Comment