What are we doing as parents? 2

Today, 6 th Aug 2016.. a day which started with onset of migraine from 3 a.m .helped me bunk my class and relieved me of cooking. Though unable to sleep  was resting physically and my mind occupied for a few days on a few issues - mainly parenting.

I have been in the know of a few problems faced by youngsters due to cyber stalking and bullying. Also I happened to learn about the care of a toddler . No matter how much I read and try to be distant , issues concerning children and their safety always trouble me - be it my own or unknown. My daughter always tells me distance yourself ; your sympathy cannot solve worlds problems etc.. but however hard I try I am unable to do that.

The children about whom I am currently worried have highly educated parents who are also financially well off . These people very badly wanted children and were blessed. But ultimately I find them behaving like a spoilt and pampered set of people who wished for an expensive toy which they got and now do not know how to handle it; operate it; or play with it.

Every animal other than human beings have only 5 senses. They go about the LIFE cycle process with  only concepts of fulfilling needs of hunger, sleep , procreation and death. It is only man who prides himself with 6 senses ability to  laugh, grow physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and what not. Yet I find human being lacks sometimes the basic quality of preparing their children for growth and development.

Every animal/bird  cares for the young ones and prepares them for their independent life where as we neither prepare them nor in case they are prepared do not let go of them.

Why ? I fail to understand. I fully respect peoples wish not to have children. But once you have decided to have - is it not our duty as parents and caretakers to ensure that they can survive even without us? Is that not what a parent needs to do. Even parents of children who have a lot of disability issues strive hard to ensure that their children can continue living even without them.  But there are a few parents whom I find have kids for society's sake for prestige sake and think they have done their duty.

On the one hand there are parents who are over protective and highly interfering . On the other hand there are parents who shine in all sphere s independently, have a good image in society but are unfit to be parents. Who am I to judge and question this.? What gives me the right/authority or qualification?  I don't know. Probably I am not to involve myself but I am pained when the children suffer as a consequence of wilful negligence or what should I say indifferent parenting.

I am a feminist out and out and don't expect or want only moms to do the nurture and care part.   It is ok if the father does it too. what is required is the child  be given necessary care and attention for growth .

In a society where there is utter chaos due to a number of ' isms' is it wrong of me to expect atleast literate parents to act responsibly atleast towards family.? What point does it serve  if you have crores of money , highly regarded by outside society , you are multi talented and a great motivator and inspiration when your child can't confide in you ? Can't call you in distress?

Am I prejudiced or one-sided or am I just another feminist who preaches something but wants traditional practice to continue along with society. Am I wrong ? My expectations incorrect.?

In my journey of life there are a lot of unsavoury things that I have experienced which I would not want another to experience . So when I see a smaller child terrorised similarly I am highly disturbed and disgusted. What is the purpose of our life if we can't be useful to even that being which has come through us? Or whose birth was our wish but we are not able to bring up.

Where are the terrorist and paedophiles coming from? Where are murderers and burglars coming from. Perverted men and women coming from? Alien planet??

They are coming from this planet. We are responsible for their act . We with our indifference and apathy alone are responsible for their mistakes.
As parents, as society for not caring properly or for caring incorrectly. Children are like mirrors who reflect  our actions . Right from infancy they watch, observe, imbibe , learn and manipulate for their survival.

I am reminded of a case where a student who stabbed his teacher because she had called for his parents. Psychologists said that it was the impact of a Hindi movie he watched the previous day. Exposure to media gave him an idea etc.. there was a hue and cry in the media and questions of safety among teaching fraternity. The teachers' family members were sympathised and achievements of her children publicly applauded.

But then and now my thoughts were only with that boy.? Questions  as to what made him act that way. What is it he wanted that he didn't get ? Why was he so terrified of his parents. ? And what will happen to him after juvenile delinquency home. This society is capable of stigmatising an individual for smallest slip up so will he be heard.? Today too I am very much reminded of him . How many more such boys and girls are we going to turn out. ?

I don't think I can even list out the questions in my mind.  And a number of times I feel the more educated - sorry literate and academically qualified people are-  the more foolish  and incorrigible their attitude/ behaviour /reasoning is.    Academic education is sometimes sheer waste .  When we cannot educate or elevate our thinking and become more individually or socially responsible to what end is this book knowledge?

At the end  of the day I am just plain angry and upset and again filled with suppressed and helpless rage.

Ramblings -2

Probably the month of April , is a month I think over and above normal limit.. because my first ramble was in April 2015 on a totally different topic and today too I thought I should pen a few words on my thoughts:

A lot of my friends and relatives , who are very nice and excellent people , humane and understanding, are of the view that "continuation of reservation policy of India" is not fair or not right.  They state that after 69 years of Independence the existence of reservation for the upliftment of SC/ST/MBC/OBC/BC is not serving any purpose, but just creating an economic divide and also nor allowing or providing for  the really deserving meritorious candidates of forward community - a chance to prove their mettle. 

I want to be really honest here, I had the very same opinion and very much belonged to group of people with the same line of thought till very recently. Later I was taught about what was really happening in the society, in and around me, shown the existence of oppression, discrimination, suppression, and subjugation practiced and continued to be practiced in the city and in the villages closer to the city too. So I decided to learn about it a little and have started reading about it.

In the process of this search of mine which is still ongoing, I find that we did not have to look far  for discrimination, "perse". It is practiced right in our household on a day to day basis . We have women/men who help us in carrying out our daily lives - we call them "servant maid", "driver", "gardener", "watchman" depending on the service provided by them. I remember seeing in a kinder garden book identifying these people as "HELPERS". 

A number of us carry certain inbuilt prejudices against these very people on a day to day basis: 

(1) There are still households where "maid servant" is not allowed inside the house for washing vessels, rather asked to wash the same at a sit out or balcony. Sweeping and moping are done by house members themselves as they do not want to her to come inside the house. 

(2) Separate glass tumblers/ plates are kept to give the coffee/tea or food or tiffin; usually leftovers are given (without even checking to see if it has become stale or not)(Here I need to also add that there are people who prefer to give left overs to daughter in law ).

(3) Even if the maid enters the house and does her work , she cannot touch the kitchen worktable, cook food, make bed, or even  boil water for self or members of the house as there are people who still do not like to eat/drink food made by "them" or "served" by  "them". 

(4) If you think to say "no-no we have cooks   ". Ok fine I accept. but please check if our "maid servant" can cook our food or we have a "different cook/helper".

Let me reiterate, I am just thinking aloud and rambling  not finger pointing at faulty practices or beliefs.

When the "maid servant" goes on leave, there are people who still cut /threaten to cut her wages for not reporting to work as promised or for uninformed absence.I have heard people say , " inspite of giving so much and treating her so well" -- These "class of people lack gratitude".

Whenever, I hear this statement , I am struck with guilt because there have been several occasions when I have been forced to absent myself from duty without "prior" intimation inspite of technological upgradation. Secondly, honesty, sincerity, discipline these are individualistic values and principle and can never be generalised for a group , clan, race, caste etc. 

Next comes the statement of "ingratitude inspite of giving her so much"- Why should someone feel gratuitous to us for having taken from us, our old/used clothes, vessels, furniture/left over food, etc.? Did we not give it to them for the reason that we were in no need of them any more, rather than throwing in the dust bin we found a taker and handed it over to them "benevelontly"--for which act we expect "gratitude".

So, in that scenario have we in turn be grateful to our pay masters by any chance ? Please do not tell me that we cannot compare with them, because we can. What is the difference between them and us..? just think,.. We have been "privileged/gifted/blessed" to be born in a family where the parents have helped us reach this level/ or rather a certain level in a society such that we are in a "financial" position to employ them. They are as human as we are, with all the faculties being same, --  place/house of birth and circumstances being different we are where we are , whereas they are where they are.--- This "gap" is purely man made.. no doubt and if you believe in humanity and humaneness I am sure you will agree with me.


I am not saying that we have not struggled to reach a certain level or we have all had it easy, but the degree and extent of struggle and the point of origin of the struggle for us has always been on a higher plane/level and NOT in the socially conditioned lowest strata... which matters a lot... really a lot...Also the extent of oppression, subjugation faced by us can in no way be compared to the people who were born in the "category - other than General category of  caste and community ". Again I am not saying that there are no poor people in General Category- but life lead being compared is not financial comparison but "societal position"--- How many times have we not heard this comment- " oh that girl/boy inspite of being born in .... is forced to work at this place.. ; inspite of belonging this... is not able to progress/smart enough...... etc.. etc..".

We have been privileged to be born in a family where for our parents age 4 of a child signifies admission to school without hesitation.whereas even in cities today number of children are not sent to balavadi or school till they 6 years due to lack of funds.

There was a whatsapp video doing rounds which said that even if an SC/ST candidate gets "zero" he will be eligible for admission in IIM's where as people of "General Category" or "FC" who had struggled for 3 years taken intensive coaching but missed the seat due to 1/2 percentile, which is claimed as unjust.

I have only one question, where the video maker took so much of effort to create the video to prove that a zero can get a reserved candidate an admission, it would have been equally nice  if he had taken some more effort to find out (1) how many SC/ST applicants where there in these high profile elite institutions like IIT and IIM and how many such applicants managed to procure seat with a zero.
(2) And out of these candidates how many belonged to places which did not fall under the category of Tier A, B, C cities  - from the interior rural core villages,
(3) Do we know how many had actually applied/ Are actually aware of the existence of these institutions and possibilites?
(4) Also if there was any change in the curriculum these students had to study because of their reserved category or had they to compete with all students with the same curriculum.

While writing this piece I looked up Census report  Socio Economic and Caste Census 2011 --Census report of SECC 2011    in Wikipedia which states 

• 5.4% of rural India has completed high school.
• 3.4% of rural households have a family member who is a graduate

 Our population is 1.2 billion , if that is the case when we do our math/ or even if we don't can we imagine the number of people who are from rural background and/or striving or aspiring for elite institutions from the 3.4% of 1.2 billion..

There are memes which say that Obama takes deserved and India has reserved candidates.. How far is this true ? Who are the people who aspire to go out.. Do they alone form our country. Only if I know that there is a choice for me other than what is provided will i be required to choose , what if I do not know I have a choice then ?...

There could be a  Maximum of 1 crore govt employees.. The number of internet uses as per http://www.internetlivestats.com/internet-users/india/ form 34.8 % of our  population  around 31 lakhs are central government employees and considering the employees of all state governments put together it could be a maximum of 1 crore or 2 crore . My math may be wrong. I could not get the exact details.. but even on a rough estimate.. the percentage of reserved candidates who could definitely be employed in Governement and public sector establishments could form a maximum of 2% of the total population.. what about the rest.... ?

As a middle class urban family person, I face a lot of limitation, so what would the scene be for a low income/BPL rural family. Can I even imagine or empathise. It is not possible for me. 

Before we sign a petition for anything be it for reservation or anti. I guess it is important for us to understand what exactly we are doing and whether our act is going to be beneficial or detrimental. 

On a simple case , The Right to Education Act 2009, came into force in 2010.( A report on the status of implementation of the Act was released by the Ministry of Human Resource Development on the one-year anniversary of the Act." The report admits that 8.1 million children in the age group six-14 remain out of school and there’s a shortage of 508,000 teachers country-wide." also, till date to the best of my knowledge the said act has not been implemented in any of the elite urban schools which are top ranked for academic performance. If this is not discrimination then what is...?

Do we Know the number of street children who have not got a chance to study under RTE; forget reservation...

It is easy for us to do lip service and sympathise and state "Oh ! so sad! I understand that they are having a bad deal..... but....." Exactly,,, that "but " is what matters. I remember attending a meet after the rains  where I met a young social worker whose speech touched me to the core, It made me realise  that there is no need to feel any sense of benevolence /pride/satisfaction /happiness for the little acts of kindness extended by us as there was much more to be understood and taken care of. She had a very pertinent question " You fight for your property rights when a piece of land owned by your father /forefathers is not judiciously divided.  Where is your sense of righteousness when just like that people who have settled for generations in an embankment are thrown away in the name of rehabilitation from their homes, livelihoods of period spanning from 25-50 years. Why do you not consider it fair to fight for the right of these people - Who are entitled to the right of rehabilitation in and around their area where they have spent more than a generation . How can you disagree/disallow a fight for their rights. They are not an eyesore as long as it was sunny once it rains they have become eye sore and unaesthetic due to rains and clogged drains"... This question has been echoing in my mind since then... 

There were memes which said " maid in India is more important than Made in India"... friends , I am sure that all of you are aware that this facility to have another human work for us as a maid is not available for all of us who aspire to study and stay abroad in the land of LUCRE.. There however , big or small our house/apartment/villa is .. we have to clean your own clothes, vessels, bathrooms toilets, gardens, lawns etc.. as otherwise we need to pay high charges.. we are willing to do our own house-work in a country that is not our own.. due to limitations , but not willing to be considerate towards the "maid" who does not allow us to do the "dirty work" in our own country... Is this fair to another human being..?  

I am not here to preach or advice , I might be right, or wrong, friends you may  agree or disagree that is your choice.. But these thoughts were passing through my mind for quite sometime. I feel that before we fight against policies like reservation, it is very important for us to be aware of what we are doing and are we justified in doing it., because to me  it appears that not many are actually "aware of their privileges" with which they are born. .

On a last note, I overheard a conversation in a house where funeral rites where just completed and there was excess food which was being packed to give to the needy instead of throwing it to the dustbin causing needless waste. One of the guests remarked that  on a similar occasion, when they went to give the food to the people of streets. one woman asked her "madam, today there was a death in your house and after the rites, you cannot eat leftovers in the night so instead of using the dustbin or throwing it to the dogs you thought you could share it with us.. Suppose tomorrow something like this happens in my house, will it be okay if I can come and give you the left overs ..would you accept it. after all both of us are human beings" Friends, more than anything I felt sheer admiration for the gutsy illiterate lady who "dared" to voice her protest and displeasure ..

I learnt that self respect arises for the self irrespective of the area, caste, clan, creed, community, race, sex, gender, country you are born in . It is more important for us to accept people as human beings first no matter where they are. 

Hoping that there are more humane humans...

Feminism in everyday life...

              Have been reading about  and sharing a number of posts on feminism. My mind is always thinking and was on overdrive this morning on this. I was recalling a few conversations with a few of my feminist friends. This group of people do also have spouses who support/ accept their stance. One of them remarked that "we should be grateful for the support and encouragement we get from our husband in what we are doing.". I was thinking about this precise statement today.

             After wandering around my thoughts  kind of settled on the impact of patriarchal conditioning in feminist mindset.  Here by feminist I don't mean women alone but my male friends too.

              " Feeling of gratefulness".  I was wondering suppose man of the house was working for a particular cause, we women  usually tend to brag about his involvement, his principles virtues etc. We also tend to show our appreciation of  their knowledge and work  not only to them, but also  our near and dears and also ensure that our children are aware of the good work the father is doing.We will also try to not burden him with mundane daily / routine chores. So much so within the close circle of family he is well appreciated and work recognised. 
   

             At this point it is to be noted that a majority of women (working& homemakers)  who need not be feminist/ activist are like this even if the spouse is not a feminist/ activist, AND I am not speaking about them. I am only talking of family where  both the spouses are feminist or  the man of the house agrees with the lady in her principles and convictions.

         Now when such a   lady is  involved in blogging,conducting meets,organising programme, participating in them-- she also does her routine office/ domestic work, takes care of her children's needs ,plays the role of  

" Woman"  of the house so that she can work on her passion and activism. 

  

               Since days of yore, when any woman achieves something her first line of speech would be “I place on record utmost gratitude to my spouse who has always encouraged me, my in-laws , my parents for supporting me and my children for” forgiving me” during my absence .”  Friends are you able to observe our patriarchal conditioning here. If we want this to be a thing of past then what needs to be done? 

              Feminism is not posting memes against roti makers but it means practicing at every second in daily life. I want all my friends who consider themselves feminist and are family men to start working and practicing what they preach – be it involving in daily “mundane” chores like vegetable cutting,grinding, cooking, coffee/tea making, folding clothes  cleaning shelves, cleaning vessels, sweeping, mopping, buying vegetables/groceries and whatever else needs to be done for the smooth functioning of homefront.  (In case you are already aware and practicing it , my heartfelt appreciation). In my personal experience  I have noticed that my  friends and me  attend meets, programmes, and try hard to get back home as early as possible  since there are umpteen things to be done and taken care of  like-

•   Getting Lunch/dinner ready to prepare and serve. 
•   Attending  to Inlaws who would be waiting with impatience and discontent
•   Children would be unhappy with our   absence need more attention  
•  Next day would be a working day/weekday/festival/function for which        preparations need to be made
•    Kids exams/projects/drama/rehersals to be taken care off etc

          So in this scenario I want all men, who are feminists to help us overcome “our  conditioned guilt”  for our absence by establishing in the household , to the inmates and children in particular  that - 

•  Cooking is a chore/skill which either of the parents can manage 
•  Homework/Project/assignment is something that the father can also help   out with as the mother is involved in  an “equally” important work. 
•  Sweeping, cleaning, washing are  gender neutral chores . 
• Explaining to the children clearly by words and deed that both mom and dad are capable of having interests outside of work which is okay, and
•  it is okay for either parent to absent themselves for a few hours in this regard.    

           Why am I so particular about this is , because I have noticed that we women do not like our children to raise their voices against their father; make fun of their cooking and cleaning abilities; complain about fathers to close relatives or friends . We are very consciously taking efforts to correct their behavior, attitude  in respect of their father . Where as when roles are reversed  I find that many fathers do not intervene when child is fighting/arguing with  or raising voices at the mother. ; fathers tend to  join the teasing ; agree with the complaints etc. By being silent or by joining hands with them the children gain the impression, that anything is okay with mothers … a taken for granted attitude.
            A child can accept , if papa is late - not if mama is. So it would be easy both for the mother and the child to understand if the “feminist” father explains this to the child.A number of friends’ spouses are excellent husbands; wonderful human beings; great supporters of feminism ; but remain “SILENT” in areas where they need to talk AND establish equality of their wives specially at the homefront .If it starts at the homefront of a few , the children would learn to accept that there is no gradation whatsoever in the love and responsibility between parents and it will help in the “conditioning” and might improve the future generation.

             Similarly if a friend/ visitor/colleague/ relative tries to “just joke” about you being “henpecked” or a”Madurai man” or suffering due to your “equality principle” or makes any other sexist remark in the presence or absence of your spouse, it would be of great help if you could make a try to get them to understand that their view points and comments are not relished. It would be nice if you can be more vocal about your stand to be  in support of  your wife against any kind of sexist ideas /remarks. This helps us in a number of ways. Mainly, in this patriarchial society a put down from a man/ explanation from a man is accepted and at times considered too. Since, a number of adults in the family and society need to “unlearn” and “ relearn” various things  we need to use all and any method that works to get our point across. 

              Every act of ours is watched , observed and imbibed by our children . If we want our principles and convictions "isms" to be accepted by one and all  we should start from our home as the “cliché” states "Charity begins at home" and "little drops of water make a mighty ocean".

Impact of patriarchy in the conditioning of women

Impact of patriarchy in the conditioning of women. : Remarriage of a widower or male divorcee with or without children to an unmarried girl/woman is an acceptable and normal practice. The reason being that it is tough for a man to live his life alone specifically when he has children and if they are girls then the presence of a mother in their life is essential. ' poor man' how can he bring them up without a lady in the house. While looking out for a girl suitable for him preference is always for unmarried woman albeit slightly older, or a young girl from a poor family . in case that doesn't work out then the second option is for a widow without issues and lastly a divorcee without issue. These kind of markers need not be specified by the man but are the accepted norms as per his mother , sisters and female relatives. More so if he is slightly well to do. The common train of thought is " in the process the poor girl will get a better life and she can also help her family economically." This thought is not an age old practice and not even 25 years old but still in vogue even among the so called educated ' class'. Contrarily , if a lady is divorced or widowed and considering Remarriage , the father and family members themselves lookout for alliances only of those boys who are widowed/ divorced. The very thought of considering a young unmarried bachelor would not cross the mind of the girl or her closest family members. And if she is having child/ children then the first process to be thought of the age of the child , the age of the lady, whether marriage is really required, or can she manage without a partner etc will be discussed and discussed and rehashed by one and all .Suppose she does get remarried then the whole family looks upto the groom gratefully for having given " life and respectability" to their girl. By chance if the groom is unmarried then there would be no end to the feeling of veneration bestowed on him. If it is felt that this kind of veneration and gratitude for the benevelonce felt for the married or unmarried man is only by the parents . it is not so .. It is primarily felt by the lady in question. You know what she feels immense gratitude to the man who has given her a LIFE. She a '" Defective/unlucky/who is not' a virgin/who was cursed with ill luck/a non marketable commodity" has been absolutely lucky in her life. .THIS IS THE IMPACT of PATRIARCHY. My friends. And once again I would like to tell you this is not a medievalist thought but exits even this day in 201

RAMBLINGS

I have often wondered when I see people, who have suffered a recent tragedy, loss or faced a trauma go about their routine chores and thought how is it possible for them to carry on as if nothing has happended. ? Are they not so deeply affected by what has happened ? How is it they are able to function normally and carry on mundane talks and routine chores as if there is no change in the daily routine inspite of having such a great problem or borne a big  loss. But now I have come to understand that there are times that the mind an body just function on an automaton without being affected by any happening or grief or trauma. Human beings are capable of carrying on with their routine chores, mundane conversation, relish food, admire beauty even if their mind is overloaded with grief, guilt , worry and what not. Probably, as some one said the mind is akin to a computer which compartmentalizes each area into various boxes and uses only those that needs to be used while just allows  the other area to lie idle and in wait and watching. The background process regarding the loss or shock just exists with or without our intervening thoughts. The said sorrow is just sitting there waiting for the mind to take cognizance of it. Some grief and thoughts are too big or huge but still can be overlooked and the person is able to enjoy, some one elses misery or a serial or a book . Is it  a conscious technique to just set aside and carry on or a compulsion or something that happens naturally, I am not able to fathom. But how ever much varied interests we develop , the constant thought or guilt lies like a stone always making known its presence and without intruding or interfering in other regular actions.
The miracle of a human mind I  think is the ability to continue as if nothing has happened even thought emotionally the person is tired , drained or broken. Admirable quality.. sometimes  I function as a n autamaton sometimes even if overcome with grief am able to shield from near and dear some times too exhausted to do anything. But what ever may be the methodology  I have a gift additionally and that is ability to sleep anytime- irrespective of the gravity of the issue. Does this indicate that I am emotionally dead or immune or that there exists a dichotomy between physical needs and emotional needs. No idea but time waits for none and rolls over. \
Sometimes I think it is shameful to behave like this some times i think I am superior for being able to carry on like this. But no matter what even if self pity creeps in I am able to go on.. Gifted that I am..
with sleep too...

A Dear Friend and Colleague - T.N.Vasumathi

April 1^st 2015, I lost a dear friend and colleague TN Vasumathi . I feel very sad and lost in her passing away. Was she  such a close friend to me - not exactly . I had known  her for the last ten years – she  was a good colleague who sincerely clarified my queries  and questions whenever I  approached her  without any hesitation. I consider myself a sincere worker but my sincerity is limited to my area of work and when  I don’t have any work I indulge myself in my various interests. Vasumathi was very unlike me - to her we come to office to work and work is the only thing that should be done during  office hours. After having spent four years in a particular section , I remember  having met her one early morning and told her “Madam  why don’t you seek a change . come join me in my section it will be a chance  to do a different  job and  we  will be able to manage things without any problems” .

She said “inspite of being long overdue for a shift ,nobody considers me for a change -  I had met the head of office 2 consecutive  years ,I have become like  fixture in this section and feeling bored. But,  I do not  intend to beg.”  After much difficulty, and efforts of one of her senior officer and very much as per my wish she joined my office and my section in 2012. Since then till the last day at office not a single day had passed without her greeting  “Good Morning Prema” . Those were always the first word she uttered on entering our room. Though we were not in the same section during the last one and half  years there never was a change in her treatment of me . she always used to come and share her thoughts, feelings and ideas  related to work or other wise . If she found me missing her early morning wish she would make special efforts to come and see if I have come to office. . What was so special about TNV is a question some might consider ? She was not only special but exemplary . I have never seen her in her youth and  but saw a photograph of her  when she joined the department in 1983 . She was smart and beautiful young girl  her intelligence was writ large on her face. She once confided in me that she had few hormonal issues for  which she was not treated properly and suddenly started developing severe headaches .She then consulted the leading neurologist of those days who diagnosed that she had a tumor in her pituitary gland and the same needs to be removed .

She underwent two major surgeries- one carried out erroneously other to rectify the same- and both were done by  opening her skull . Most of her gland  had to be removed she was then told that she would not be fit for a family life but TNV said it did not bother her too much  .To her it was a health complication resolved . A lesser person would have been depressed and sad at the kind of complication she had to face and problems encountered on daily basis, but to her her issue had been solved and had to be taken care of that is all .She was a spirited woman to whom it was one another problem to be overcome.  She refused to be an object of pity and despair and continued her days . During the course of her life she developed a lot of health complications including diabetes  and hypertension. Every day before leaving for office she had to take 10 tablets  for a problem free day but these were just a matter of  routine and not a cause of self pity ,sympathy seeking or depression - they were isuues which were to be dealt with  in a matter of fact way - rather than being made a  major issue. She had a great fondness for sweets ,good food ,saries and jewelleries . Never did a vendor visit our section and go without selling to her for at least Rs. 100 to her. She never treated any person in a deprecating manner. She was a strong willed and intelligent with excellent memory and a lot of empathy in her.

She was a person who scrupulously  maintained registers containing all changes / in budgets ,indirect taxes which was required for  our official work.She was an ardent fan of  “ The Hindu  Graffiti and health capsule” . She hated psycophants and artificial people and was vociferous in her complaints about them. She had excellent sense of wit an humor. Her  code of ethics and principles were unmatchable and she was lavish in her appreciation too. Though a devout person she abhorred practice of religion at office/work place.  To her office is a place to work.  Temple for prayer.  Similarly she was truly secular in the sense she never liked performance of  pooja etc. in a Governmnent office where she felt that people of all belief worked  and it was not fair to practice rituals of one community alone.

Her views on feminism and social issues were some thing that a number of people of her age group could never accept.   But she was  devoid of apology in her views about them.

She always felt that she need not lower herself or bend to cater to the needs of higher officials , no matter what the issue was.  She abhorred standing in front of higher officials for any favours even if she was justified in getting them.  She received the “Best Officer award this year 2015” and all her friends/acquaintences felt she was most deserving.  She hated using her health as an excuse for not performing her task.  She was punctual and self disciplined person with a very accommodating personality. She never could accept it if she was sidelined on account of her health . She was strong willed and determined to prove that she can do what needs to be done with no excuses at all.

As one of my friends rightly said she died the way she lived on her terms without troubling anybody be it family or friends and leaving a whole vacuum in our mind.

I will miss you Madam terribly -  your daily greeting in the morning – She was a warm affectionate humane friend whom I have lost and from whom I have learned a lot.  An ordinary woman who had extraordinary spirit  who taught me a lot on what determination is all about. Missing you Madam terribly. Lovingly yours.

10th Death anniversary of My Father

27.03.2015 is the tenth death anniversary of my father. Every parent makes a great impact on a child and my father was no exception. We were three sisters with no male siblings and this proved a great disappointment to our father.

My father was a path breaker  of his times, who came up the hard way. He managed to finish schooling and earned his way through the subsequent qualifications he received and became a Merchant Navy Officer through sheer grit , hard work and focused determination. There are countless stories he would narrate to us  most interesting  of them being telling us how he learnt typing,  how he managed to earn money to apply for jobs, how he was threatened with ostracisation for having chosen a sea-faring job, how he was insistent that he would marry my mom only .
There is no singular  aspect about him  that I want to write, but some of the thoughts that flow through my mind at various points  that I can recall about him .  I would like to tell a few lines about my siblings and me. Among the three of us , my elder sister was burdened with his hopes , aspirations and expectations to excel in studies, sports, music, house hold chores, cooking  and what not. A very meek and obedient daughter who very rarely raised her voice or presented her opinions to him till her wedding. After which too, he continued to play an important role in her life, which has impacted her in a very huge way. 

My younger sister , is one resilient person who  reacted very rarely  to   his demands and expectation, emotional expressions, but silently became (without being meek) an academic achiever and self made person in her own manner. Out of the three, I was my father's pet since day one and his  challenger and outspoken rebel almost till the end.

My mom was "only a housewife" who did speak occasionally but was always more concerned in ensuring that inspite of being "Girls" her children should be educated , employed and financially independent  during their life time. To this end, she has made a lot of sacrifices, undergone lot of hardships, made a lot of commitments and adjustments but was steadfast in her focus and goal of educating her girls.

If there is something I appreciate about my parents relationship it is that  , there was absolutely no secrets my dad kept from his wife. He was one person , who no matter what , will ultimately confess the thoughts, inputs, comments, feelings that plague his mind at various times. I still remember my mom telling me, that "all said and done, your father always informed me of his thoughts." Similarly , there is one area which he trusts only my mother's decision and that is in the area of food habits of children. He will blindly tell us to  eat what is put on our plate and till his last breath , ate what amma gave him. Of course, he was particular about the kind of food he wants, the way it was cooked and style of cooking and especially strict in not using the mixie for grinding but always insisted on the use of the traditional grinding stone  - that there should be only one type of cooking , no catering to individual tastes etc., but still all those would be the broad framework within which my mom was allowed to operate .And if he ever praised my mother it was always to state that she made the best chappatis and she had no inhibitions regarding food where as he was more particular. 

My father was a true dictatorial patriarch , because of whom I became a staunch feminist right from my childhood. As with every human being, there were a lot of positive and negative qualities in my father , I do not know how to say this, because or inspite of this he made a huge impact in all our lives.  

For a very long time, inspite of being my father's pet,  I felt that a father is a person to whom you go only as a last resort. He is the "king" of the house and mine was an "absentee king" due to his job. And my mom's ultimate  dictum of disciplining would be " please ask your  father".

Inspite of being strict , he was instrumental in making all of us, good correspondents, book lovers, information seekers, punctual, obedient beyond requirement, principled, honest and lot of other virtues and vices  which,  I am sure , left to myself , I would have simply not imbibed. The lazy truant that I am , I would have easily avoided taking the hard way  and would have been lazily lounging without a care in the dream world which I enjoy very much.

He was such a task master, who always had a proverb or saying to counter my arguments- as I was the only person who argued with him very frequently in whichever mood he was . His most favourite where "Charity begins at home", "Where there is a will there is a way", "You can take a horse to the water but you cant make him drink", "Penny wise , pound foolish|" , "Money is for spending but spending for useful purposes", " A bad workman blames his tools"  are some that rush to my mind now. Apart from this he used to give us more in malayalam, sanskrit , hindi and tamil .

For the last few days that which has been resonating in my mind is his favourite which was "kshama balam shakthanam, ashaktanaam bhushanam kshama"- meaning " Virtue of patience is the point of strength to the strong person and an ornament for the weak".

I am not a very patient person and unless the situation demands I do not like to sit still think/contemplate etc... but prefer to go forward with whatever I feel right. But it could be because of my broadening horizons, demands on me from my near and dear and my constantly thought filled mind, this particular proverb is ever present making me introspect at every turn whether I  am a mentally strong or mentally weak.

I never appreciated my father very much during his life time , though the adage that it is not right to speak ill  of the dead is not something I follow in the context of my father . However,  in the recent past , I find some of his ideas were and are   outrightly radical and progressive, even today  and which most parents are not willing to consider at all . What he told us around 30 years back seems to  make a lot of sense today too.

He has been one person, who taught me how to be and how not to be . Of course there are a lot of my acquaintances who taught this to me but he is one of the first who taught me both -  with his behaviour intelligence most importantly attitude.

In the concept of marriage - he always used to hold the thought that "just because I am father of a girl I would not allow the grooms side to dictate terms to me ". And inspite of holding on to this thought and following his idea , he had the best sons in law. All three of them were with him, especially the eldest son in law , who was with him from the day he entered our house as more of son and brother than an in law  till  the minute my father breathed his last. And we are all indebted to our eldest brother in law more ways than one - Me especially,  My eldest brother in law and his relationship with our family and me (specifically)  is a  topic on which I am sure I can easily write volumes.

My father was very lucky to have three excellent sons in law who were all excellent relations and human beings in their treatment of my father - irrespective of his behaviour towards them at various times.This is one fact my father kept harping on till he lost his cognitive abilities on 12th March , 2005. He kept repeating that  "inspite of all that I have done and not done to my sons in law and daughters , their treatment towards me is exemplary and I am forced to think if I deserve them at all."

Before he lost his voice I still remember he kept me awake throughout the night telling me about what he has understood about his daughters and sons in law and how blind he had been, how unaware he had been. On that particular day , what I most appreciated was that inspite of not being able to communicate and use the right words  he was determined to convey all that was in his mind . The words in his mind and those he uttered would not match and he would make me tell the synonyms, or similar words till he got what he want and then finish his sentence.

He told me " I do not know why, I am not able to talk the words in my mind , so I will tell you if  I have spoken a word  which does not make sense, help me find the right word for what I think." Frankly speaking I was irritated , because , I was tired of work during the whole day, had not seen my children  for more than 2 days, to top it all was feeling sleepy tooo. My father sensing my displeasure told me "please bear with me I know you are sleepy and tired ,but I feel if I do not share my thoughts today, I would not be able to do so later , so even if you are irritated , you have no choice but listen to me ". This was at 2.00 am. and with great disinterest I continued to converse with him. And true to his words , he lost his voice soon after and could not converse - which added to my guilt.

Similarly  his idea of parenting was a whole is not acceptable to me, he was one impartial parent  in all issues  that mattered and some of his ideas -though not same method- is followed by me till date.

Similarly, there are number of days I think that if my father had been the way he was in the last 6 months then,  at least for some time during his lifetime I am sure I would have benefitted a lot from him. His knowledge of politics, Law,- be it marriage laws, property laws, constitutional laws, direct taxation , indirect taxation, he made it a point to read and learn as much as possible,, similarly his ideas on construction , reading the fine print in every terms and conditions we agree too.. are some of the things that I  learnt by  observing him and would have been happy to learn from him.

He was an excellent mathematician and gave a lot of importance to every step  involved in the solution of a specific problem - be it academic or a day to day expenditure. My first memories of his teaching me something was in the topic of "buoyancy" in physics, which lesson I have not forgotten   and which made me decide to choose my sister as a teacher  as she was more patient with fools than my father.

Yesterday, while talking to my daughter  I learnt a valuable lesson , that it need not be your peers or elders alone who have something to teach you, even your kids have a lot to teach you. This was one lesson  which my father learnt  when it was too late for him and he regretted the fact very much.

Today , I feel, that no one can  claim to be the best parent, no method  of parenting can be claimed to be the best method, there are no hard and fast rules in parenting techniques, but if there is one thing , we can all do is always keep our ears , eyes and mind open to ideas, and inputs received from every human being -irrespective of their age /status/position or relationship .