My introspection on " addiction".

I strongly believe in the policy that if I can't do something , I should not ask anyone else to do it. I should practice what I preach or else keep mum. So at various points of time when my friends , relatives , acquaintance say that they find it difficult to quit a habit say, smoking, or drinking I generally take a high moral stand and say ,there is no way you could not quit. First set your mind to it and work on your self determination.. where there is a way blah blah...

Recently due to an illness I was asked not to take milk , beverages such as tea coffee etc . Since I was pretty sick the first few days I did not mind missing my early morning cup of tea. I substituted it with hot water. However, since I am improving reasonably well, every morning when I make coffee for my husband,I have a dialogue going on in my head, to make or not to make tea for self.
I keep saying , so what if I stop, I don't get headaches too better to stop ...
I can do it .Blah .. but over the week I found nothing occupied my mind so much as my inability or rather resistance to tea drinking.

It was a non stop continual discussion between my determined mind and strong temptation and temptation won.  I used to feel hungry , angry distracted when I was not drinking tea . The last one week specifically.  Since I resumed it yesterday I seem to have a lot of time for thinking about other issues. I kind of feel relieved and relaxed .   I feel that I had accomplished a great task.  I don't know how to describe  the feeling.

That set me thinking about my earlier comments and judgemental standard against people, who are unable to stop their habits and those who stop them for a period of 45 days when they visit sabarimala. I remember telling my maid ( about her husband), "ask him to go every month at least then he will stop drinking. How is it when he can stop for 45 days he can't stop permanently? He doesn't will it ! blah blah...".

Thinking about it makes me  feel  ashamed at myself. My principle of " I can I will I must " took a bashing. I don't have an inclination to take  tea at any other time of  day .  Previously I used to have 3 to 4 cups pet day. Similarly,   avoiding hotel food, my favourite sweets, pickles, etc is not problematic.  Every time for the last one week this, vacillating thought on the morning tea used to occupy a portion of my mind through out the day.

I always admire my son for his determination to abstain from his favourite foods  when his health warranted, right from babyhood. So taking his lead ,I thought I would try out and abstain drinking morning tea . I seem to have failed or rather my determination was weak and my addiction was stronger.

This is a lesson for me  to think before I speak and practice before I preach. I hope I evolve into a better person atleast from now on. Feeling small and ashamed.

My life with and because of my sister in law.

I was not very keen in marriage ( second time) whereas my family was insistent that I do. If you had asked me ,why I could not find a person for myself... I would have answered saying that .. " I don't trust myself to assess anybody and staunchly believed that parents were the correct people to decide on the child' s marriage partner." So there were a number of prospective groom's . And there was this particular party who were coming to see me, who were more than 4 in number ,for the traditional bride viewing ceremony and I was furious and angry as I had no say in the matter. My father ruled the place and none of us dared to voice against his views.
This particular " groom" came with more than 6 " elders"  his sister and brother in law and their kid.. almost 11 of them.  The only way I could show my displeasure was by wearing an unironed  saree and blouse which did not match . To top it my elder sister and brother in law who were my support and strength did not turn up.

The mother of the groom said since she was a widow she didn't want to come alone  and someone had told her because of her impetuousness the boy had to suffer  earlier. She was scared and so brought long married couples and apologised to me for the crowd.

Two people impressed me in the crowd, one a  two and half year old kid and her mom. Her mom sat silently and kept watching me but appeared dignified and silent. She had a very appealing face .
The groom and I spoke for a few minutes and he gave his consent to his brother in law and left early  to write an exam(!!!). I did not want to decide without my sister and brother in law so asked for some time. I quietly went upstairs and found that the sister had followed me.

She said "I am just about 3 years older than you. I know it is not right to force you to give an instant positive response. I just wanted to tell you that we are very simple people, neither wealthy nor propertied. The only assurance  I can give is that my brother will definitely be a good husband for you. I like you very much,you look nice but more than that I feel you are smart and confident person. I very much hope you give a positive response. I will not ask anything about your past and none of our family members will. That is between you and my brother. But I like you very much don't ask me why.'...and she left.  After my sister came and consequent discussions I did agree to the alliance. The groom is my husband dearest today .
During the last 23 years of marriage,if I say my husband was most instrumental in supporting me and helping me evolve as a better person.. I need to say that my sister in law ( who is more of sister and friend put together) who accepted me just as I was no questions asked. There were no unwanted comments, no snide remarks,not a single piece of unsolicited advice or suggestions and she showed absolute faith in me as a person.

She continues to be the same till date. I am not saying that she is faultless or I am faultless.  All I am saying is that she is a very humane, friendly, sincere and accepting person.  She has always been there for me during my good days ,bad days , nightmarish period, silently lending a hand in ways that I needed no questions asked and no intrusion whatever. Today my daughter is staying with her and trust me she takes care of her much better than me.

She accepts  people, listens to them and understands what I am going through when I share something. She never questions, gossips or intrusively questions those areas which I don't share with her. If I share something,she is free and frank with her opinion and expresses them well. When I don't share something,she never probes or questions just accepts. When I feel guilty ,she is there to make me understand that mistakes happen and blaming does not solve issues.

In the hyperbole of my life, the number of high points would be outnumbered by the number of low points.  She has been in each one of them in whatever role I may have needed her, silently lending a helping hand and offering me her  full support.
 
Four people have always been  there for me as my strength  and support. My friend Geeta, Jayalakshmi, Banu( sister I. Law) and my husband in that order.
Friends accept you and guide you but for a relative that too an in-law  to be so wonderful is just great. I have learnt a lot from her and continue to do so and am proud to be related to her.

There is nothing we have not shared and when her daughter got married,the way she included me and gave me a free hand is something unexplainable. I was free to suggest involve ,interfere from day one till the day my niece was flying out of country- no questions asked and with utmost faith and confidence in me.

My friends were surprised to the extent I was getting involved in my niece's wedding but I was happy to be there and do what I could.  What more could I ask ? Trust me even today I need her more than she needs me and it appears that I will continue to be in need of her always .

Feeling extremely lucky

08.01.2017
6.40 pm.
( Returning from her home to mine).

Evolving and Energising Octet.

How I met each member of this group  and  how much I have learnt from them and how they have  impressed me.

Hemalatha ,  in 1992 when she was promoted and  had come to Chennai, seeking transfer back to Chennai from Pondicherry . She was a very  beautiful  young mother wearing​ danglers ,shaking her head  and talking with her gestures and her face  expressing all emotions ,  while communicating.  My friend Jayalakshmi introduced me to her at first , then she was  Geetha's  colleague and  then my own. A wonderful lady , highly diplomatic, very confidential person and  sincere beyond requirement.  I like Jayanthi s  nick name  given to her
" vandhorai vaazhavaikum hema.."  which correctly depicts her generous heart .  She is  unassuming and  innocent  and I am extremely happy to be considered  her friend.

L.Jayanthi ,  I remember seeing her  as a an young girl of my age ,in office, two decades ago a picture of  demure ,  sweet  beauty  sitting in a corner with a book, unperturbed by the  noisy crowd in her office. My first  thought was ,
" this is a girl  like me who needs rescuing from this office crowd.   Why don't I approach her ? " And  what a wonderful soul mate I found. It was love at first sight and instant combustion,  though guarded initially, it was  laughter filled moments from the time we became free with each other, probably her love of palghat lingo and food or subconsciously  I thought she resembled my friend Geetha, I don't know the exact reason.  It was fun thereafter.  My good friend  Raman  made us comfortable with each other.   There are times when intuitively I know what she will do in a particular situation.  For all her hilarious repartee,she is a sensitive person, highly intelligent,well read, informed  about literature and music ,linguist all under the smiling countenance with not an iota of arrogance, pride, in her. Her handwriting and thoughts so clear as is her practicality.  With her intelligence and knowledge and quick grasp of issues it would not be out of place to be slightly proud,  but she has not a bit of pride in her . Every time I come across hypocrisy in office or a problematic boss I picturise her  with  one of her   ex boss, how she managed  situations without showing even a little irritation  in her face or demeanour. Tough to find another like her.

Anita - she is one whom I have seen in staff  association meetings, best known as a friend of a friend.  To me she was the most hyper active individual with  varying interests and abilities. She was also  Geeta's  colleague,  but I was very wary of her when I used to watch her from a distance.  But now I have come to know her better, I find she is a girl  with a  "never say die quality", very helpful, always springing to rescue at cost of self health and wants to do lots and lots and lots of service even when she has trying situations at home front.

Chitra Ravichandran, I knew  as Personal Secretary . I was scared of her, inspite of finding her very pretty. My fear had nothing to do with her personally but her  post and my interactions with people in that position. Once again , it was Geeta who  kept telling me ," talk to her you will realise she is not as you think" and as always she was proved right. I am working with her for last 5 years  and I find that I was foolish in my fears.   Our  trip to Green Meadows made me realise  what an understanding, responsible, wonderful , and simple person,she is. She   is not fully appreciated for just being her.

Prameela Ramesh -  Initially she  was a girl who was  in a  place so high &  unattainable . A personification of looks, education, carriage,talent, art, grooming and appeal. I have admired her from afar, have been afraid to approach her as I felt I was not upto her level - I had my own doubts and prejudices and felt insecure and reluctant to interact with her. I had heard about her mom  from my mother in law . She kept saying how well prameela and siblings were brought up... and then I did not know it Prameela she  was talking about .  Once I knew she was   the girl being spoken about , I thought best thing  to  do is stay away. There is  no way I could match her ,  thanks to jayanthi  and geeta once again,slowly and carefully I warmed up to her. I  found her to be a sweet  person who  crumpled  all my prejudices and pierced my inhibition and made me understand that she is just another loving girl ,  a bit like me.  We share a lot of similar thoughts ,though often not shared personally but in WhatsApp, Facebook . Highly unassuming, very adjusting, taking people at face value and slightly innocent to boot. She is a true example for the adage " appearance s are deceptive"
A deep thinker with lot more hidden talents,like organisation and 
co-ordination, appreciated by one and all for her composure and carriage.

Ramaa  Shivakumar-  my first impression of her was " What is a school girl doing at office". Very much like Santoor advertisement, she was  introduced to me by none other than Geeta as a mother of 8 year old. From that day till date I have been left open mouthed. What a woman,  she can laugh, love and cry for you, with you at the drop of a hat.  She does so much - talks well, laughs loud but basically a soft hearted one. And a big heart that is. She is a person who declares a  lot but follows the only principle " adjustment" both at home and office. Wonderful wonderful lady she is.

T K Geeta -to me she was introduced with nickname  "dadha".and I took it  literally. As usual my prejudice was broken  when we  worked together for an year and she helped me understand  that she was  a younger version of another close friend of mine. Too sincere, too good in maths, silently helpful, very sensitive, exuberant laugh, deeply sensitive has  a very fine line between what angers her or amuses her.  She has so many facets, be it in cooking, purchasing, competition participation, attachment to siblings, her nature to consider others problems as her own .. but for her I would not have been able to approach officers for my posting when I was very much in need . She is always encouraging ,no  one to match her in spirit.

These six girls with my close friend Geeta and myself are a group of eight women who came together around 3 years back. During the last three years,we might have not met often, not spoken with each other for weeks together but whenever situation demands we got together and did what little we could . Our enthusiasm, mutual encouragement, understanding of everyone' a situation, managing of priorities is something which is very energising. Each one of us have our own close friends within  and without . That does not in anyway hamper our bonding. A meet with even 50% of this group helps us to carry on the oncoming days with a smile in our face. Our bond helps us to improve at the same time share troubles in  complete confidence.  One person started the Chennai Rain Relief Work impulsively in 2015 and all of us joined hands with no questions asked, doing work assigned , no egos, no complaints , no squabble nothing. Our trust in each other gives us confidence on the fact that we will have this team for support- be it planning a lunch, trip,  act of contribution to public good. Each one of us are different in personalities ,beliefs ,likes and dislikes. But our bond is one of absolute mutual encouragement and enrichment.

We share a common interest in learning new things, widening our horizons and being there for each other. We are talkers and listeners and  concentrate more on keeping alive the humor in life.

We are the evolving and energising octet..
Love you dears ..Love you all.

Rambling.

Today 30. 01.2017... My mind is just overworked with thoughts... I want to organise them and try to focus only on self improvement.. I am not sure if I will succeed.
I have been feeling low since yesterday(29.01.2016) noon when my daughter left... The house was too empty and I was feeling bereft without purpose.. I took up my smart phone and was going through , WhatsApp, Facebook, candy crush, tetris... But as usual my mind was on so many things...Listing them out..
1. Daughter
2. Office Problem
3. Yet to do my record for M.A. psychology.
4. Have to study for my 12 th Feb exam
5. Write Assignment for second year
6. Finish my human rights project
7. Discuss with my husband regarding niece
8. My mother in law's health.
9. My health, Ravis patience..Caretaking

My mind is like a highway with traffic in so many lanes .
Between all this watched Federer win,. read paper,slept  and continued with what needs to be done at home front, spoke to my kids, and went to sleep.

Today, was discussing office issue with my best friend. I made a mistake and used a wrong  word  " loose". My best friend ,a wonderful person that she is told me you being a member of such an elite group of awesome people how could you use that word... I was so Intent in conveying my message I had not realised the use of the word. And the instant she pulled me up .. I was totally upset.

Because I was just typing my thanks to her for introducing me to such a wonderful group of people ..And inspite of my long association with her and interaction with them I am such an incapable person not able to get over my habit  of using wrong words. I take great care these days to see what I write and say , so the fact that I slipped  rankles a lot. In fact during the course of my conversation she told me she had not introduced me there someone else had and I felt all the more guilty. These self flagelling was going on while I had to interact with so many people at office... And towards evening, I had started feeling that no matter how many years of association I have with best of people , I will not improve.
Once a colleague commented that inspite of being Geeta's friend for so many years , you lack maturity and patience. In fact the word she used was " pakkuvam".. she felt I was not mature enough to justify my age and I was too impulsive,too involved, less balanced so on and so forth.
Whenever this comes to my mind , I keep asking why should I be just like Geeta, why can't I be me?. Yes,I lack her intelligence, maturity,skill, knowledge and so many other things.. but that doesn't mean I am not worthy of being my own person.. In fact , I kind of learnt to accept that I am what I am . I am  not in  competition with anybody, it is ok for me to be the way I am. Let people like me or not I am what I am.
But today I feel that I am really incorrigible. How many times should I be taught ? when will I ever grow? How do I expect my children to be any better  with my input ?How can I impart something which I am not able to master.?
Parallelly I was also worried about a friend of mine, my mil, my blood pressure which was fluctuating and my daughter s health.
What kind of a creature am I?..  I feel so worthless and  I also feel  am luxuriating in self pity ...  I asked my husband what he thinks about.? He joked ," do you want me to think about something?"..  I asked him why can't  I be like you? Why is my mind so filled with thoughts?.. poor man. I told him hope I don't end up in an asylum..
Apart from all the above there was a discussion on how money was wasted on weddings with another friend. For reasons not known to me  today I pulled up my mother in law too, for an act she has always been doing and will continue to do no matter what happens.

No idea where I am going to land. If somebody could just wipe of my mind and leave it like a blank slate ...If only I thought less, if only I was a better person,if only I was more talented..
If only  I had met Bala earlier,if only  I sincerely observed and followed all that Geeta does, if only I was better equipped intellectually to learn from her ,  if only my health was more conducive for me to roam around.if only I expected less in life...........Life !!! I am so tired ..But then again I have the privilege and luxury of thinking and ranting about so many things where as there are people out there .
What a day, what thoughts .. ok even this will pass away.... Hope... Hope ....Hope...
Probably B.P is the cause... Excuses excuses..

What are we doing as parents? 2

Today, 6 th Aug 2016.. a day which started with onset of migraine from 3 a.m .helped me bunk my class and relieved me of cooking. Though unable to sleep  was resting physically and my mind occupied for a few days on a few issues - mainly parenting.

I have been in the know of a few problems faced by youngsters due to cyber stalking and bullying. Also I happened to learn about the care of a toddler . No matter how much I read and try to be distant , issues concerning children and their safety always trouble me - be it my own or unknown. My daughter always tells me distance yourself ; your sympathy cannot solve worlds problems etc.. but however hard I try I am unable to do that.

The children about whom I am currently worried have highly educated parents who are also financially well off . These people very badly wanted children and were blessed. But ultimately I find them behaving like a spoilt and pampered set of people who wished for an expensive toy which they got and now do not know how to handle it; operate it; or play with it.

Every animal other than human beings have only 5 senses. They go about the LIFE cycle process with  only concepts of fulfilling needs of hunger, sleep , procreation and death. It is only man who prides himself with 6 senses ability to  laugh, grow physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and what not. Yet I find human being lacks sometimes the basic quality of preparing their children for growth and development.

Every animal/bird  cares for the young ones and prepares them for their independent life where as we neither prepare them nor in case they are prepared do not let go of them.

Why ? I fail to understand. I fully respect peoples wish not to have children. But once you have decided to have - is it not our duty as parents and caretakers to ensure that they can survive even without us? Is that not what a parent needs to do. Even parents of children who have a lot of disability issues strive hard to ensure that their children can continue living even without them.  But there are a few parents whom I find have kids for society's sake for prestige sake and think they have done their duty.

On the one hand there are parents who are over protective and highly interfering . On the other hand there are parents who shine in all sphere s independently, have a good image in society but are unfit to be parents. Who am I to judge and question this.? What gives me the right/authority or qualification?  I don't know. Probably I am not to involve myself but I am pained when the children suffer as a consequence of wilful negligence or what should I say indifferent parenting.

I am a feminist out and out and don't expect or want only moms to do the nurture and care part.   It is ok if the father does it too. what is required is the child  be given necessary care and attention for growth .

In a society where there is utter chaos due to a number of ' isms' is it wrong of me to expect atleast literate parents to act responsibly atleast towards family.? What point does it serve  if you have crores of money , highly regarded by outside society , you are multi talented and a great motivator and inspiration when your child can't confide in you ? Can't call you in distress?

Am I prejudiced or one-sided or am I just another feminist who preaches something but wants traditional practice to continue along with society. Am I wrong ? My expectations incorrect.?

In my journey of life there are a lot of unsavoury things that I have experienced which I would not want another to experience . So when I see a smaller child terrorised similarly I am highly disturbed and disgusted. What is the purpose of our life if we can't be useful to even that being which has come through us? Or whose birth was our wish but we are not able to bring up.

Where are the terrorist and paedophiles coming from? Where are murderers and burglars coming from. Perverted men and women coming from? Alien planet??

They are coming from this planet. We are responsible for their act . We with our indifference and apathy alone are responsible for their mistakes.
As parents, as society for not caring properly or for caring incorrectly. Children are like mirrors who reflect  our actions . Right from infancy they watch, observe, imbibe , learn and manipulate for their survival.

I am reminded of a case where a student who stabbed his teacher because she had called for his parents. Psychologists said that it was the impact of a Hindi movie he watched the previous day. Exposure to media gave him an idea etc.. there was a hue and cry in the media and questions of safety among teaching fraternity. The teachers' family members were sympathised and achievements of her children publicly applauded.

But then and now my thoughts were only with that boy.? Questions  as to what made him act that way. What is it he wanted that he didn't get ? Why was he so terrified of his parents. ? And what will happen to him after juvenile delinquency home. This society is capable of stigmatising an individual for smallest slip up so will he be heard.? Today too I am very much reminded of him . How many more such boys and girls are we going to turn out. ?

I don't think I can even list out the questions in my mind.  And a number of times I feel the more educated - sorry literate and academically qualified people are-  the more foolish  and incorrigible their attitude/ behaviour /reasoning is.    Academic education is sometimes sheer waste .  When we cannot educate or elevate our thinking and become more individually or socially responsible to what end is this book knowledge?

At the end  of the day I am just plain angry and upset and again filled with suppressed and helpless rage.

Ramblings -2

Probably the month of April , is a month I think over and above normal limit.. because my first ramble was in April 2015 on a totally different topic and today too I thought I should pen a few words on my thoughts:

A lot of my friends and relatives , who are very nice and excellent people , humane and understanding, are of the view that "continuation of reservation policy of India" is not fair or not right.  They state that after 69 years of Independence the existence of reservation for the upliftment of SC/ST/MBC/OBC/BC is not serving any purpose, but just creating an economic divide and also nor allowing or providing for  the really deserving meritorious candidates of forward community - a chance to prove their mettle. 

I want to be really honest here, I had the very same opinion and very much belonged to group of people with the same line of thought till very recently. Later I was taught about what was really happening in the society, in and around me, shown the existence of oppression, discrimination, suppression, and subjugation practiced and continued to be practiced in the city and in the villages closer to the city too. So I decided to learn about it a little and have started reading about it.

In the process of this search of mine which is still ongoing, I find that we did not have to look far  for discrimination, "perse". It is practiced right in our household on a day to day basis . We have women/men who help us in carrying out our daily lives - we call them "servant maid", "driver", "gardener", "watchman" depending on the service provided by them. I remember seeing in a kinder garden book identifying these people as "HELPERS". 

A number of us carry certain inbuilt prejudices against these very people on a day to day basis: 

(1) There are still households where "maid servant" is not allowed inside the house for washing vessels, rather asked to wash the same at a sit out or balcony. Sweeping and moping are done by house members themselves as they do not want to her to come inside the house. 

(2) Separate glass tumblers/ plates are kept to give the coffee/tea or food or tiffin; usually leftovers are given (without even checking to see if it has become stale or not)(Here I need to also add that there are people who prefer to give left overs to daughter in law ).

(3) Even if the maid enters the house and does her work , she cannot touch the kitchen worktable, cook food, make bed, or even  boil water for self or members of the house as there are people who still do not like to eat/drink food made by "them" or "served" by  "them". 

(4) If you think to say "no-no we have cooks   ". Ok fine I accept. but please check if our "maid servant" can cook our food or we have a "different cook/helper".

Let me reiterate, I am just thinking aloud and rambling  not finger pointing at faulty practices or beliefs.

When the "maid servant" goes on leave, there are people who still cut /threaten to cut her wages for not reporting to work as promised or for uninformed absence.I have heard people say , " inspite of giving so much and treating her so well" -- These "class of people lack gratitude".

Whenever, I hear this statement , I am struck with guilt because there have been several occasions when I have been forced to absent myself from duty without "prior" intimation inspite of technological upgradation. Secondly, honesty, sincerity, discipline these are individualistic values and principle and can never be generalised for a group , clan, race, caste etc. 

Next comes the statement of "ingratitude inspite of giving her so much"- Why should someone feel gratuitous to us for having taken from us, our old/used clothes, vessels, furniture/left over food, etc.? Did we not give it to them for the reason that we were in no need of them any more, rather than throwing in the dust bin we found a taker and handed it over to them "benevelontly"--for which act we expect "gratitude".

So, in that scenario have we in turn be grateful to our pay masters by any chance ? Please do not tell me that we cannot compare with them, because we can. What is the difference between them and us..? just think,.. We have been "privileged/gifted/blessed" to be born in a family where the parents have helped us reach this level/ or rather a certain level in a society such that we are in a "financial" position to employ them. They are as human as we are, with all the faculties being same, --  place/house of birth and circumstances being different we are where we are , whereas they are where they are.--- This "gap" is purely man made.. no doubt and if you believe in humanity and humaneness I am sure you will agree with me.


I am not saying that we have not struggled to reach a certain level or we have all had it easy, but the degree and extent of struggle and the point of origin of the struggle for us has always been on a higher plane/level and NOT in the socially conditioned lowest strata... which matters a lot... really a lot...Also the extent of oppression, subjugation faced by us can in no way be compared to the people who were born in the "category - other than General category of  caste and community ". Again I am not saying that there are no poor people in General Category- but life lead being compared is not financial comparison but "societal position"--- How many times have we not heard this comment- " oh that girl/boy inspite of being born in .... is forced to work at this place.. ; inspite of belonging this... is not able to progress/smart enough...... etc.. etc..".

We have been privileged to be born in a family where for our parents age 4 of a child signifies admission to school without hesitation.whereas even in cities today number of children are not sent to balavadi or school till they 6 years due to lack of funds.

There was a whatsapp video doing rounds which said that even if an SC/ST candidate gets "zero" he will be eligible for admission in IIM's where as people of "General Category" or "FC" who had struggled for 3 years taken intensive coaching but missed the seat due to 1/2 percentile, which is claimed as unjust.

I have only one question, where the video maker took so much of effort to create the video to prove that a zero can get a reserved candidate an admission, it would have been equally nice  if he had taken some more effort to find out (1) how many SC/ST applicants where there in these high profile elite institutions like IIT and IIM and how many such applicants managed to procure seat with a zero.
(2) And out of these candidates how many belonged to places which did not fall under the category of Tier A, B, C cities  - from the interior rural core villages,
(3) Do we know how many had actually applied/ Are actually aware of the existence of these institutions and possibilites?
(4) Also if there was any change in the curriculum these students had to study because of their reserved category or had they to compete with all students with the same curriculum.

While writing this piece I looked up Census report  Socio Economic and Caste Census 2011 --Census report of SECC 2011    in Wikipedia which states 

• 5.4% of rural India has completed high school.
• 3.4% of rural households have a family member who is a graduate

 Our population is 1.2 billion , if that is the case when we do our math/ or even if we don't can we imagine the number of people who are from rural background and/or striving or aspiring for elite institutions from the 3.4% of 1.2 billion..

There are memes which say that Obama takes deserved and India has reserved candidates.. How far is this true ? Who are the people who aspire to go out.. Do they alone form our country. Only if I know that there is a choice for me other than what is provided will i be required to choose , what if I do not know I have a choice then ?...

There could be a  Maximum of 1 crore govt employees.. The number of internet uses as per http://www.internetlivestats.com/internet-users/india/ form 34.8 % of our  population  around 31 lakhs are central government employees and considering the employees of all state governments put together it could be a maximum of 1 crore or 2 crore . My math may be wrong. I could not get the exact details.. but even on a rough estimate.. the percentage of reserved candidates who could definitely be employed in Governement and public sector establishments could form a maximum of 2% of the total population.. what about the rest.... ?

As a middle class urban family person, I face a lot of limitation, so what would the scene be for a low income/BPL rural family. Can I even imagine or empathise. It is not possible for me. 

Before we sign a petition for anything be it for reservation or anti. I guess it is important for us to understand what exactly we are doing and whether our act is going to be beneficial or detrimental. 

On a simple case , The Right to Education Act 2009, came into force in 2010.( A report on the status of implementation of the Act was released by the Ministry of Human Resource Development on the one-year anniversary of the Act." The report admits that 8.1 million children in the age group six-14 remain out of school and there’s a shortage of 508,000 teachers country-wide." also, till date to the best of my knowledge the said act has not been implemented in any of the elite urban schools which are top ranked for academic performance. If this is not discrimination then what is...?

Do we Know the number of street children who have not got a chance to study under RTE; forget reservation...

It is easy for us to do lip service and sympathise and state "Oh ! so sad! I understand that they are having a bad deal..... but....." Exactly,,, that "but " is what matters. I remember attending a meet after the rains  where I met a young social worker whose speech touched me to the core, It made me realise  that there is no need to feel any sense of benevolence /pride/satisfaction /happiness for the little acts of kindness extended by us as there was much more to be understood and taken care of. She had a very pertinent question " You fight for your property rights when a piece of land owned by your father /forefathers is not judiciously divided.  Where is your sense of righteousness when just like that people who have settled for generations in an embankment are thrown away in the name of rehabilitation from their homes, livelihoods of period spanning from 25-50 years. Why do you not consider it fair to fight for the right of these people - Who are entitled to the right of rehabilitation in and around their area where they have spent more than a generation . How can you disagree/disallow a fight for their rights. They are not an eyesore as long as it was sunny once it rains they have become eye sore and unaesthetic due to rains and clogged drains"... This question has been echoing in my mind since then... 

There were memes which said " maid in India is more important than Made in India"... friends , I am sure that all of you are aware that this facility to have another human work for us as a maid is not available for all of us who aspire to study and stay abroad in the land of LUCRE.. There however , big or small our house/apartment/villa is .. we have to clean your own clothes, vessels, bathrooms toilets, gardens, lawns etc.. as otherwise we need to pay high charges.. we are willing to do our own house-work in a country that is not our own.. due to limitations , but not willing to be considerate towards the "maid" who does not allow us to do the "dirty work" in our own country... Is this fair to another human being..?  

I am not here to preach or advice , I might be right, or wrong, friends you may  agree or disagree that is your choice.. But these thoughts were passing through my mind for quite sometime. I feel that before we fight against policies like reservation, it is very important for us to be aware of what we are doing and are we justified in doing it., because to me  it appears that not many are actually "aware of their privileges" with which they are born. .

On a last note, I overheard a conversation in a house where funeral rites where just completed and there was excess food which was being packed to give to the needy instead of throwing it to the dustbin causing needless waste. One of the guests remarked that  on a similar occasion, when they went to give the food to the people of streets. one woman asked her "madam, today there was a death in your house and after the rites, you cannot eat leftovers in the night so instead of using the dustbin or throwing it to the dogs you thought you could share it with us.. Suppose tomorrow something like this happens in my house, will it be okay if I can come and give you the left overs ..would you accept it. after all both of us are human beings" Friends, more than anything I felt sheer admiration for the gutsy illiterate lady who "dared" to voice her protest and displeasure ..

I learnt that self respect arises for the self irrespective of the area, caste, clan, creed, community, race, sex, gender, country you are born in . It is more important for us to accept people as human beings first no matter where they are. 

Hoping that there are more humane humans...

Feminism in everyday life...

              Have been reading about  and sharing a number of posts on feminism. My mind is always thinking and was on overdrive this morning on this. I was recalling a few conversations with a few of my feminist friends. This group of people do also have spouses who support/ accept their stance. One of them remarked that "we should be grateful for the support and encouragement we get from our husband in what we are doing.". I was thinking about this precise statement today.

             After wandering around my thoughts  kind of settled on the impact of patriarchal conditioning in feminist mindset.  Here by feminist I don't mean women alone but my male friends too.

              " Feeling of gratefulness".  I was wondering suppose man of the house was working for a particular cause, we women  usually tend to brag about his involvement, his principles virtues etc. We also tend to show our appreciation of  their knowledge and work  not only to them, but also  our near and dears and also ensure that our children are aware of the good work the father is doing.We will also try to not burden him with mundane daily / routine chores. So much so within the close circle of family he is well appreciated and work recognised. 
   

             At this point it is to be noted that a majority of women (working& homemakers)  who need not be feminist/ activist are like this even if the spouse is not a feminist/ activist, AND I am not speaking about them. I am only talking of family where  both the spouses are feminist or  the man of the house agrees with the lady in her principles and convictions.

         Now when such a   lady is  involved in blogging,conducting meets,organising programme, participating in them-- she also does her routine office/ domestic work, takes care of her children's needs ,plays the role of  

" Woman"  of the house so that she can work on her passion and activism. 

  

               Since days of yore, when any woman achieves something her first line of speech would be “I place on record utmost gratitude to my spouse who has always encouraged me, my in-laws , my parents for supporting me and my children for” forgiving me” during my absence .”  Friends are you able to observe our patriarchal conditioning here. If we want this to be a thing of past then what needs to be done? 

              Feminism is not posting memes against roti makers but it means practicing at every second in daily life. I want all my friends who consider themselves feminist and are family men to start working and practicing what they preach – be it involving in daily “mundane” chores like vegetable cutting,grinding, cooking, coffee/tea making, folding clothes  cleaning shelves, cleaning vessels, sweeping, mopping, buying vegetables/groceries and whatever else needs to be done for the smooth functioning of homefront.  (In case you are already aware and practicing it , my heartfelt appreciation). In my personal experience  I have noticed that my  friends and me  attend meets, programmes, and try hard to get back home as early as possible  since there are umpteen things to be done and taken care of  like-

•   Getting Lunch/dinner ready to prepare and serve. 
•   Attending  to Inlaws who would be waiting with impatience and discontent
•   Children would be unhappy with our   absence need more attention  
•  Next day would be a working day/weekday/festival/function for which        preparations need to be made
•    Kids exams/projects/drama/rehersals to be taken care off etc

          So in this scenario I want all men, who are feminists to help us overcome “our  conditioned guilt”  for our absence by establishing in the household , to the inmates and children in particular  that - 

•  Cooking is a chore/skill which either of the parents can manage 
•  Homework/Project/assignment is something that the father can also help   out with as the mother is involved in  an “equally” important work. 
•  Sweeping, cleaning, washing are  gender neutral chores . 
• Explaining to the children clearly by words and deed that both mom and dad are capable of having interests outside of work which is okay, and
•  it is okay for either parent to absent themselves for a few hours in this regard.    

           Why am I so particular about this is , because I have noticed that we women do not like our children to raise their voices against their father; make fun of their cooking and cleaning abilities; complain about fathers to close relatives or friends . We are very consciously taking efforts to correct their behavior, attitude  in respect of their father . Where as when roles are reversed  I find that many fathers do not intervene when child is fighting/arguing with  or raising voices at the mother. ; fathers tend to  join the teasing ; agree with the complaints etc. By being silent or by joining hands with them the children gain the impression, that anything is okay with mothers … a taken for granted attitude.
            A child can accept , if papa is late - not if mama is. So it would be easy both for the mother and the child to understand if the “feminist” father explains this to the child.A number of friends’ spouses are excellent husbands; wonderful human beings; great supporters of feminism ; but remain “SILENT” in areas where they need to talk AND establish equality of their wives specially at the homefront .If it starts at the homefront of a few , the children would learn to accept that there is no gradation whatsoever in the love and responsibility between parents and it will help in the “conditioning” and might improve the future generation.

             Similarly if a friend/ visitor/colleague/ relative tries to “just joke” about you being “henpecked” or a”Madurai man” or suffering due to your “equality principle” or makes any other sexist remark in the presence or absence of your spouse, it would be of great help if you could make a try to get them to understand that their view points and comments are not relished. It would be nice if you can be more vocal about your stand to be  in support of  your wife against any kind of sexist ideas /remarks. This helps us in a number of ways. Mainly, in this patriarchial society a put down from a man/ explanation from a man is accepted and at times considered too. Since, a number of adults in the family and society need to “unlearn” and “ relearn” various things  we need to use all and any method that works to get our point across. 

              Every act of ours is watched , observed and imbibed by our children . If we want our principles and convictions "isms" to be accepted by one and all  we should start from our home as the “cliché” states "Charity begins at home" and "little drops of water make a mighty ocean".