Rambling.

Today 30. 01.2017... My mind is just overworked with thoughts... I want to organise them and try to focus only on self improvement.. I am not sure if I will succeed.
I have been feeling low since yesterday(29.01.2016) noon when my daughter left... The house was too empty and I was feeling bereft without purpose.. I took up my smart phone and was going through , WhatsApp, Facebook, candy crush, tetris... But as usual my mind was on so many things...Listing them out..
1. Daughter
2. Office Problem
3. Yet to do my record for M.A. psychology.
4. Have to study for my 12 th Feb exam
5. Write Assignment for second year
6. Finish my human rights project
7. Discuss with my husband regarding niece
8. My mother in law's health.
9. My health, Ravis patience..Caretaking

My mind is like a highway with traffic in so many lanes .
Between all this watched Federer win,. read paper,slept  and continued with what needs to be done at home front, spoke to my kids, and went to sleep.

Today, was discussing office issue with my best friend. I made a mistake and used a wrong  word  " loose". My best friend ,a wonderful person that she is told me you being a member of such an elite group of awesome people how could you use that word... I was so Intent in conveying my message I had not realised the use of the word. And the instant she pulled me up .. I was totally upset.

Because I was just typing my thanks to her for introducing me to such a wonderful group of people ..And inspite of my long association with her and interaction with them I am such an incapable person not able to get over my habit  of using wrong words. I take great care these days to see what I write and say , so the fact that I slipped  rankles a lot. In fact during the course of my conversation she told me she had not introduced me there someone else had and I felt all the more guilty. These self flagelling was going on while I had to interact with so many people at office... And towards evening, I had started feeling that no matter how many years of association I have with best of people , I will not improve.
Once a colleague commented that inspite of being Geeta's friend for so many years , you lack maturity and patience. In fact the word she used was " pakkuvam".. she felt I was not mature enough to justify my age and I was too impulsive,too involved, less balanced so on and so forth.
Whenever this comes to my mind , I keep asking why should I be just like Geeta, why can't I be me?. Yes,I lack her intelligence, maturity,skill, knowledge and so many other things.. but that doesn't mean I am not worthy of being my own person.. In fact , I kind of learnt to accept that I am what I am . I am  not in  competition with anybody, it is ok for me to be the way I am. Let people like me or not I am what I am.
But today I feel that I am really incorrigible. How many times should I be taught ? when will I ever grow? How do I expect my children to be any better  with my input ?How can I impart something which I am not able to master.?
Parallelly I was also worried about a friend of mine, my mil, my blood pressure which was fluctuating and my daughter s health.
What kind of a creature am I?..  I feel so worthless and  I also feel  am luxuriating in self pity ...  I asked my husband what he thinks about.? He joked ," do you want me to think about something?"..  I asked him why can't  I be like you? Why is my mind so filled with thoughts?.. poor man. I told him hope I don't end up in an asylum..
Apart from all the above there was a discussion on how money was wasted on weddings with another friend. For reasons not known to me  today I pulled up my mother in law too, for an act she has always been doing and will continue to do no matter what happens.

No idea where I am going to land. If somebody could just wipe of my mind and leave it like a blank slate ...If only I thought less, if only I was a better person,if only I was more talented..
If only  I had met Bala earlier,if only  I sincerely observed and followed all that Geeta does, if only I was better equipped intellectually to learn from her ,  if only my health was more conducive for me to roam around.if only I expected less in life...........Life !!! I am so tired ..But then again I have the privilege and luxury of thinking and ranting about so many things where as there are people out there .
What a day, what thoughts .. ok even this will pass away.... Hope... Hope ....Hope...
Probably B.P is the cause... Excuses excuses..