A piece of advice

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

A few words to my daughters....(including my nieces and friends of my daughters).......

As you know I have been quiet disturbed by a lot of happenings in our society and in and around our families and those of others, no matter what fun you make of me ,  to me all of you are equally dear . You may treat is as an advice, mokkai or not but  whatever you feel please give me a patient reading..You might wonder why I thought to write to you and not talk it over.. What happens when we talk is we get diverted and distracted and leave the main topic of discussion.

Dear Children, I request all of you to understand one thing in this life that  - Marriage is not the be all and end all  of life-  I have taken  great pains to avoid using words like “enna irunthalum samayka therriyanum ponnukku”, “ vera veetukku pora ponnu” etc… or statements like “ ponnu na samayka , kolam poda, peruka theriyanum etc…”

See. All of us need food , so we need to eat there is no discrimination on that factor, however if for  some reason you are not able to learn cooking it is okay.. it is not a great crime… You are intelligent smart  and adaptable children. What is important  in life is that you study well whatever field you chose… find a suitable employment or work to support yourself financially. See that you take steps to keep yourself independent after a few years like when you are 23 or so. It is not to say we parents will not support you, feed  you etc.. but as an individual it becomes your responsibility to become independent..

Apart from your education and related/unrelated employment… always please keep your eyes and ears open.. Knowledge in any form should be acquired, similarly skills. Cooking is an essential skill to keep yourself from hunger… all other skills which you consider essential or are fascinated can be LEARNT BY YOU AT ANY TIME AT ANY PLACE. There is no limit for learning or skill acquirement or talent improvement and skills can be mastered with practice.

Similarly, apart from your normal regular education it is also important that all other characteristics for an all round development of a human being is a must. What are they… as I always tell … A tree does not grow straight and give fruit… It grows step by step with small twigs ,branches, leaves flowers and fruits making it appealing both for visual impact and utility.

Similar , I want my children to be kind towards people around you, caring towards  your friends, family, associates and acquaintances…. Sincere in your work by either being a “smart worker or hard worker” responsible, presentable, approachable … and whatever other values you want to acquire..

But  there are a lot of other things that I do not want you to be…

Ø  Be harsh/sharp/curt/ rude  while using words or actions…. Please follow this within the family circle, immediate and outside and with your both immediate and extended friends circle.

Ø  Be disrespectful of people too.. In our life we will meet lot of people in varying ages , with whom we might not agree. Some of them will politely agree to disagree  some of them will think they are the knowall and end all of information and give illogical and unbelievable argument in an attempt to make their point… Please remember , I am not asking you to listen to their garbage.. but very politely and firmly, remove yourself from the argument or scene whichever is easier without hurting yourself and others.

Ø  Always stand up for your rights. See that your person- physical /mental /psychological person is not harmed by word or deed by any body.. family or others.   That is not to say compare yourself with your parents on an equal footing and try to justify your action. I agree with you in the sense that we are also not always correct, we have not come with a procedure manual as to how to bring out exceptional children who have only positive qualities and no negativity. I doubt if such an endeavour is possible but all of us are human beings likely to make  mistake   so even when we make some mistakes , be polite in telling us that our view points are incorrect.

Ø  There is no question of implicit obedience of any  body (exception your parents....I stand corrected here ..concept of implicit obedience may not always work for the betterment of you.. Hence i prefer you do not blindly obey or implicitly obey your parents too...) … However old they may be.  Politely but firmly desist from any act with  which you are not comfortable/ whomever they may be..

Ø  Please rememeber children that your parents will always be there for you to fall back on..Even when you commit a mistake or a mistake is committed against you..

Ø  I may shout, scold ,correct you , nag you but I am confident that my children are smart /intelligent/capable  and I would not like or entertain any body other than me correcting them and same goes for other mothers too.  My shouting nagging is only in an attempt for your well being and good upbringing, but I would not tolerate any body including my mom and mother-in-law saying a word against my children..as you are very well aware.

After this very big prelude   let me come to the crux of the matter.. MARRIAGE.

What is it?  It is a coming together of two different individuals into a relationship for a long term relationship, with or without thali ring etc. It is an act of living together with the societal sanction . In India , it is also the mingling of two families.. Whatever be the nature of marriage, what is important is the boy and girl are able to communicate with each other freely without inhibition.

Probably in love marriages it might take place early ( I am not very sure)  and in arranged marriages  it might be a little late. But whatever it is , what is ultimately required by you, is to watch out for the person who intend to marry. I do not care how the groom comes either through your selection or your parents but please ensure before you acquiesce that he is worthy of you. That is very important.  Any communication between you, any act of his or word or idea should not cause any kind of discomfort  to you.

Please remember children , even parents may not always judge rightly, and may make mistakes but no matter what--- you , your life and your worth comes first for me and nothing else. So please feel free to communicate to me or your parents  at any time any stage of your relationships if you have any doubts or apprehensions about the person chosen as your groom.

Also please remember, the word Adjustment is the most misused word in the institution of marriage. Adjustment does not mean to bend , bow and fall flat. It means to find a way in which both parties are able to find an amicable solution to any situation or problem without losing self respect. Every girl should be free in her birth place and marriage home. That is not to say that you can scold your inlaws as you do your parents or siblings, but in regard to your pace, work habits, freedom to eat, drink sleep intereact etal.

You should be the person to best judge a situation and decide whether it requires a compromise or not.. Involvement of parents/relatives and siblings of both sides in the life of the bride and groom will also cause unnecessary havoc. So use your best judgement skill and do what needs to be done. Never fear to garner support from immediate surroundings whenever you need it..

My children are worthy people , I do not want them to subjugate themselves in the institution of Marriage but have a very peaceful/fun filled life  with their partners…

Wishing you all the very best….

With lots of love and Regards

Prema