Meandering Thoughts

                 A discussion among friends got me thinking. These friends have the same responsibilities that I have - which is - taking care our own family and our parents. While carrying our duties and responsibilities, our emotional and psychological health takes a toll reflecting in our physical well being too. We are angry, disappointed, worn out, emotionally and physically drained while performing our day to day work both at home and workplace. It made me wonder , as to what exactly  the cause for this physical and mental exhaustion could be .

Is it because :

a) We fail to meet our own expectations?

b) We feel that our family members "take us for granted"?

c) We are either underappreciated or unappreciated ?

d) We are not acknowledged for the time effort and emotions invested by us in the execution of our various responsibilities ?

e) We are unable to spend time the way we want?

f) We are unable to pursue our interest, plan our leisure or practice our hobbies?

g) We get a feeling that neither the immediate family nor the care given parents understand us or the issues facing us or the emotions we feel ?

h) We feel that the  parents whose responsibility we shoulder feel and unjustified entitlement?

i ) Or is the bondage and fetters which hold us down like a heavy burden or our THOUGHTS about this bondage. ?

I don't know what causes these anguished feeling in us. To add to this, we have siblings and well wishers who are ready to pass judgement on how we perform our duties both in our family and in the care of our parents. Either we are too caring or we are too indifferent or we are pampering kids, or we are giving in too much to the needs and demands of parents . I dont know, everybody has some opinion or the other on how we perform our duties. I am pretty sure that it is a waste of my thought and energy to pay heed to these kind of judgmental and biased observations. But being a human being, when we hear these kind of statements especially when we are very vulnerable or drained it kind of really pains. 

Suppressed anger, tears threaten to jump out at the most unlikeliest place making us feel weak , lost and sometimes questioning our own efficiency and method of execution .

Rationally thinking, we understand that we are not at fault, for that matter no one is at fault - neither the cared for  nor the caregiver or the observers. Still some times words /actions hurt us a lot making us difficult to understand what to do,  what not to do  and question our decisions beliefs and mindset. 

But my thoughts are why do we feel upset and vulnerable. Is there a conflict in our mind between guilt   & desire.Guilt of not being to meet "ëxpected standards" and desire for not being able to do what we want, when we want and the way we want. 

On observation , no matter how detached or calm I want to be while carrying out the routine day to day mundane chores, demands on me is simultaneously made by all members of the family at the same time. Probably this is the reason for feeling vulnerable . Also it kind of becomes very difficult to say "NO" to these demands however unreasonable they are at times. I understand I need to draw a line some where, but yet to grasp at what point I feel I can call the shots. 

My friends tell me this constant chatter of my mind, the restlessness we feel can be reduced with meditation, but then again I am waiting for an opportunity to start meditation, my sense of procrastination is in full blown action. 

Just penning thoughts which are wandering around in my mind.