C.JAYALAKSHMI

I came on  transfer to Chennai on 23 rd Jan 1992. I was posted in a place where there were no women , atleast to my knowledge. I used to come sit and read books, watch people and slowly befriended all of them. Probably I was an unwanted intrusion or distraction , or probably I look like I needed to be controlled.. , no idea a male colleague of mine took me to a store room and introduced me to a short and stocky lady. He told me she is a good company for you. 

Till then, I didn't know her existence or that of the room.. From that day she took me under her wing and continued to do so till date.  Our relationship is such a wonderful one, which has continued I think basically because of her excellent qualities.

Today I don't remember what we used to speak but after that day we have always been together like Siamese twins for 4 full years. I remember the snide and caustic comments of how this is an excellent combo because both of us had our own problems and  "official" society reluctant to include us in various celebration. 

We did not care, we were happy with each other, could talk hours together on various subjects and enjoy our company. 

She was senior to me by 10 years in age and 14 years in service and till date I have never called her ' madam'. From day one she is jaya to me. She introduced me to a number of excellent people who continue to be my friends. Both of us used to walk all the way from Nungambakkam to Adyar on  number of days.

Happily munching ' gangotree' snacks and talking.

I think that today if I am called an adjustable personan

understanding person more than 75 %of credit goes to her.

Because she is epitome of adjustment.. For all her intelligence and wit she silently bears  whatever life throws her way with absolutely no complaints. For the first time in my life , my dad complimented me on my " choice," of friend. We both used to go to a number of temples together on weekend, fast on a few days . We used to go shopping together even on holidays . She was with me at all times such that once my mom and elder sister had to remind me that she was a married woman and it would not be correct for me to interfere and draw her into all activities as she had other responsibilities.

She was my confidant , I don't know if ever I was hers. 

Some of her exemplary qualities till date are , to accept people as they are - no questions asked, with all positive and negative factors. Her favorite statement. "Ava/avar appidithan.. eppidi irukkalo appidiye othuko theenthu pochu prachanai". Honestly speaking I am yet to practice it. Her qualities are such that she has Friends in all cadres across the department.  She is a confidant to a number of people without reservation. Patiently listening and offering suggestions and being equanamous whether it is accepted or not.

A number of people have told me that she is a

promotee officer and it is surprising that I am with her. To all those people my only reply was she is my friend period - please keep your observations & inhibitions to yourself. Our society is highly prejudiced in its view and approach, knowledge of English and sophisticated appearance matters more than a genuine friendly nature and good heart. A number of times I have fought on her behalf to people on how good she is in knowledge of various  administrative procedures, mathematics, income tax law. Till date all my tax work and GPF she does for me.

She is as tech savvy as needs be, learns what she

wants and is silent on her knowledge. After 4 years of togetherness, when she was transferred for the first time  in, 1996/97, I cried for 3 continuous days ,so much so ,my husband asked me whether she was my friend even before employment.We had a telephone operator who recognises voices well and whenever I call he would say jayalakshmi thaane..Wait a sec..So well known, was our togetherness.

                After the  first time  we were separated,  I kind of  accepted the fact that it may not be possible for us to work together always.  Our views on most of the issues were diametrically opposite and I would spend hours trying to explain why I hold this view.  She will be equally emphatic in arguing her point but at the end of discussion, her inevitable statement would be, 'probably  you are right but I prefer to keep my opinion.' The statement would be said so politely said that it would be difficult to argue further.  Our conversation  with  each other would be filled with fun and nonstop exchange of witty repartee. So much so a few onlookers have felt and commented that 'are they really friends? They argue so much'. But very few are privy to the closeness we share. 

My husband  calls her my "udan pirava sahodari". There has never been an occasion in my house/family,  birth, death,  wedding, house warming, upanayanam, construction in which she was not present  or  involved.  I  always take her suggestion before venturing into or involving myself  in all or any of the above.  She is a solid rock who stands in support for me till date. 

        The extent of affection she has is immeasurable,  if I or any of my family  member  is sick  or hospitalised she will be the  first one to whom my children, my husband or I turn to.  She will offer all physical help needed at same time present her self to offer silent  support to me or the others who need.  Apart from this, being a devout person offer special prayers for our well being.  Knowing very well  that I  have become a non believer,  she will say' that  is OK  I believe  I will do, you don't interfere. '  Actually I  am  at loss of  words regarding  how much she means to me. She is more of family than friend and such a sweet  person at that.  I will  miss her definitely  after her retirement , from office. But somehow  I don't feel I will be away from her because physical distance has never been an issue between  us. I love you  Jaya and thank you for  all your help you have done  and continue to do for me. 

My introspection on " addiction".

I strongly believe in the policy that if I can't do something , I should not ask anyone else to do it. I should practice what I preach or else keep mum. So at various points of time when my friends , relatives , acquaintance say that they find it difficult to quit a habit say, smoking, or drinking I generally take a high moral stand and say ,there is no way you could not quit. First set your mind to it and work on your self determination.. where there is a way blah blah...

Recently due to an illness I was asked not to take milk , beverages such as tea coffee etc . Since I was pretty sick the first few days I did not mind missing my early morning cup of tea. I substituted it with hot water. However, since I am improving reasonably well, every morning when I make coffee for my husband,I have a dialogue going on in my head, to make or not to make tea for self.
I keep saying , so what if I stop, I don't get headaches too better to stop ...
I can do it .Blah .. but over the week I found nothing occupied my mind so much as my inability or rather resistance to tea drinking.

It was a non stop continual discussion between my determined mind and strong temptation and temptation won.  I used to feel hungry , angry distracted when I was not drinking tea . The last one week specifically.  Since I resumed it yesterday I seem to have a lot of time for thinking about other issues. I kind of feel relieved and relaxed .   I feel that I had accomplished a great task.  I don't know how to describe  the feeling.

That set me thinking about my earlier comments and judgemental standard against people, who are unable to stop their habits and those who stop them for a period of 45 days when they visit sabarimala. I remember telling my maid ( about her husband), "ask him to go every month at least then he will stop drinking. How is it when he can stop for 45 days he can't stop permanently? He doesn't will it ! blah blah...".

Thinking about it makes me  feel  ashamed at myself. My principle of " I can I will I must " took a bashing. I don't have an inclination to take  tea at any other time of  day .  Previously I used to have 3 to 4 cups pet day. Similarly,   avoiding hotel food, my favourite sweets, pickles, etc is not problematic.  Every time for the last one week this, vacillating thought on the morning tea used to occupy a portion of my mind through out the day.

I always admire my son for his determination to abstain from his favourite foods  when his health warranted, right from babyhood. So taking his lead ,I thought I would try out and abstain drinking morning tea . I seem to have failed or rather my determination was weak and my addiction was stronger.

This is a lesson for me  to think before I speak and practice before I preach. I hope I evolve into a better person atleast from now on. Feeling small and ashamed.

My life with and because of my sister in law.

I was not very keen in marriage ( second time) whereas my family was insistent that I do. If you had asked me ,why I could not find a person for myself... I would have answered saying that .. " I don't trust myself to assess anybody and staunchly believed that parents were the correct people to decide on the child' s marriage partner." So there were a number of prospective groom's . And there was this particular party who were coming to see me, who were more than 4 in number ,for the traditional bride viewing ceremony and I was furious and angry as I had no say in the matter. My father ruled the place and none of us dared to voice against his views.
This particular " groom" came with more than 6 " elders"  his sister and brother in law and their kid.. almost 11 of them.  The only way I could show my displeasure was by wearing an unironed  saree and blouse which did not match . To top it my elder sister and brother in law who were my support and strength did not turn up.

The mother of the groom said since she was a widow she didn't want to come alone  and someone had told her because of her impetuousness the boy had to suffer  earlier. She was scared and so brought long married couples and apologised to me for the crowd.

Two people impressed me in the crowd, one a  two and half year old kid and her mom. Her mom sat silently and kept watching me but appeared dignified and silent. She had a very appealing face .
The groom and I spoke for a few minutes and he gave his consent to his brother in law and left early  to write an exam(!!!). I did not want to decide without my sister and brother in law so asked for some time. I quietly went upstairs and found that the sister had followed me.

She said "I am just about 3 years older than you. I know it is not right to force you to give an instant positive response. I just wanted to tell you that we are very simple people, neither wealthy nor propertied. The only assurance  I can give is that my brother will definitely be a good husband for you. I like you very much,you look nice but more than that I feel you are smart and confident person. I very much hope you give a positive response. I will not ask anything about your past and none of our family members will. That is between you and my brother. But I like you very much don't ask me why.'...and she left.  After my sister came and consequent discussions I did agree to the alliance. The groom is my husband dearest today .
During the last 23 years of marriage,if I say my husband was most instrumental in supporting me and helping me evolve as a better person.. I need to say that my sister in law ( who is more of sister and friend put together) who accepted me just as I was no questions asked. There were no unwanted comments, no snide remarks,not a single piece of unsolicited advice or suggestions and she showed absolute faith in me as a person.

She continues to be the same till date. I am not saying that she is faultless or I am faultless.  All I am saying is that she is a very humane, friendly, sincere and accepting person.  She has always been there for me during my good days ,bad days , nightmarish period, silently lending a hand in ways that I needed no questions asked and no intrusion whatever. Today my daughter is staying with her and trust me she takes care of her much better than me.

She accepts  people, listens to them and understands what I am going through when I share something. She never questions, gossips or intrusively questions those areas which I don't share with her. If I share something,she is free and frank with her opinion and expresses them well. When I don't share something,she never probes or questions just accepts. When I feel guilty ,she is there to make me understand that mistakes happen and blaming does not solve issues.

In the hyperbole of my life, the number of high points would be outnumbered by the number of low points.  She has been in each one of them in whatever role I may have needed her, silently lending a helping hand and offering me her  full support.
 
Four people have always been  there for me as my strength  and support. My friend Geeta, Jayalakshmi, Banu( sister I. Law) and my husband in that order.
Friends accept you and guide you but for a relative that too an in-law  to be so wonderful is just great. I have learnt a lot from her and continue to do so and am proud to be related to her.

There is nothing we have not shared and when her daughter got married,the way she included me and gave me a free hand is something unexplainable. I was free to suggest involve ,interfere from day one till the day my niece was flying out of country- no questions asked and with utmost faith and confidence in me.

My friends were surprised to the extent I was getting involved in my niece's wedding but I was happy to be there and do what I could.  What more could I ask ? Trust me even today I need her more than she needs me and it appears that I will continue to be in need of her always .

Feeling extremely lucky

08.01.2017
6.40 pm.
( Returning from her home to mine).

Evolving and Energising Octet.

How I met each member of this group  and  how much I have learnt from them and how they have  impressed me.

Hemalatha ,  in 1992 when she was promoted and  had come to Chennai, seeking transfer back to Chennai from Pondicherry . She was a very  beautiful  young mother wearing​ danglers ,shaking her head  and talking with her gestures and her face  expressing all emotions ,  while communicating.  My friend Jayalakshmi introduced me to her at first , then she was  Geetha's  colleague and  then my own. A wonderful lady , highly diplomatic, very confidential person and  sincere beyond requirement.  I like Jayanthi s  nick name  given to her
" vandhorai vaazhavaikum hema.."  which correctly depicts her generous heart .  She is  unassuming and  innocent  and I am extremely happy to be considered  her friend.

L.Jayanthi ,  I remember seeing her  as a an young girl of my age ,in office, two decades ago a picture of  demure ,  sweet  beauty  sitting in a corner with a book, unperturbed by the  noisy crowd in her office. My first  thought was ,
" this is a girl  like me who needs rescuing from this office crowd.   Why don't I approach her ? " And  what a wonderful soul mate I found. It was love at first sight and instant combustion,  though guarded initially, it was  laughter filled moments from the time we became free with each other, probably her love of palghat lingo and food or subconsciously  I thought she resembled my friend Geetha, I don't know the exact reason.  It was fun thereafter.  My good friend  Raman  made us comfortable with each other.   There are times when intuitively I know what she will do in a particular situation.  For all her hilarious repartee,she is a sensitive person, highly intelligent,well read, informed  about literature and music ,linguist all under the smiling countenance with not an iota of arrogance, pride, in her. Her handwriting and thoughts so clear as is her practicality.  With her intelligence and knowledge and quick grasp of issues it would not be out of place to be slightly proud,  but she has not a bit of pride in her . Every time I come across hypocrisy in office or a problematic boss I picturise her  with  one of her   ex boss, how she managed  situations without showing even a little irritation  in her face or demeanour. Tough to find another like her.

Anita - she is one whom I have seen in staff  association meetings, best known as a friend of a friend.  To me she was the most hyper active individual with  varying interests and abilities. She was also  Geeta's  colleague,  but I was very wary of her when I used to watch her from a distance.  But now I have come to know her better, I find she is a girl  with a  "never say die quality", very helpful, always springing to rescue at cost of self health and wants to do lots and lots and lots of service even when she has trying situations at home front.

Chitra Ravichandran, I knew  as Personal Secretary . I was scared of her, inspite of finding her very pretty. My fear had nothing to do with her personally but her  post and my interactions with people in that position. Once again , it was Geeta who  kept telling me ," talk to her you will realise she is not as you think" and as always she was proved right. I am working with her for last 5 years  and I find that I was foolish in my fears.   Our  trip to Green Meadows made me realise  what an understanding, responsible, wonderful , and simple person,she is. She   is not fully appreciated for just being her.

Prameela Ramesh -  Initially she  was a girl who was  in a  place so high &  unattainable . A personification of looks, education, carriage,talent, art, grooming and appeal. I have admired her from afar, have been afraid to approach her as I felt I was not upto her level - I had my own doubts and prejudices and felt insecure and reluctant to interact with her. I had heard about her mom  from my mother in law . She kept saying how well prameela and siblings were brought up... and then I did not know it Prameela she  was talking about .  Once I knew she was   the girl being spoken about , I thought best thing  to  do is stay away. There is  no way I could match her ,  thanks to jayanthi  and geeta once again,slowly and carefully I warmed up to her. I  found her to be a sweet  person who  crumpled  all my prejudices and pierced my inhibition and made me understand that she is just another loving girl ,  a bit like me.  We share a lot of similar thoughts ,though often not shared personally but in WhatsApp, Facebook . Highly unassuming, very adjusting, taking people at face value and slightly innocent to boot. She is a true example for the adage " appearance s are deceptive"
A deep thinker with lot more hidden talents,like organisation and 
co-ordination, appreciated by one and all for her composure and carriage.

Ramaa  Shivakumar-  my first impression of her was " What is a school girl doing at office". Very much like Santoor advertisement, she was  introduced to me by none other than Geeta as a mother of 8 year old. From that day till date I have been left open mouthed. What a woman,  she can laugh, love and cry for you, with you at the drop of a hat.  She does so much - talks well, laughs loud but basically a soft hearted one. And a big heart that is. She is a person who declares a  lot but follows the only principle " adjustment" both at home and office. Wonderful wonderful lady she is.

T K Geeta -to me she was introduced with nickname  "dadha".and I took it  literally. As usual my prejudice was broken  when we  worked together for an year and she helped me understand  that she was  a younger version of another close friend of mine. Too sincere, too good in maths, silently helpful, very sensitive, exuberant laugh, deeply sensitive has  a very fine line between what angers her or amuses her.  She has so many facets, be it in cooking, purchasing, competition participation, attachment to siblings, her nature to consider others problems as her own .. but for her I would not have been able to approach officers for my posting when I was very much in need . She is always encouraging ,no  one to match her in spirit.

These six girls with my close friend Geeta and myself are a group of eight women who came together around 3 years back. During the last three years,we might have not met often, not spoken with each other for weeks together but whenever situation demands we got together and did what little we could . Our enthusiasm, mutual encouragement, understanding of everyone' a situation, managing of priorities is something which is very energising. Each one of us have our own close friends within  and without . That does not in anyway hamper our bonding. A meet with even 50% of this group helps us to carry on the oncoming days with a smile in our face. Our bond helps us to improve at the same time share troubles in  complete confidence.  One person started the Chennai Rain Relief Work impulsively in 2015 and all of us joined hands with no questions asked, doing work assigned , no egos, no complaints , no squabble nothing. Our trust in each other gives us confidence on the fact that we will have this team for support- be it planning a lunch, trip,  act of contribution to public good. Each one of us are different in personalities ,beliefs ,likes and dislikes. But our bond is one of absolute mutual encouragement and enrichment.

We share a common interest in learning new things, widening our horizons and being there for each other. We are talkers and listeners and  concentrate more on keeping alive the humor in life.

We are the evolving and energising octet..
Love you dears ..Love you all.

Rambling.

Today 30. 01.2017... My mind is just overworked with thoughts... I want to organise them and try to focus only on self improvement.. I am not sure if I will succeed.
I have been feeling low since yesterday(29.01.2016) noon when my daughter left... The house was too empty and I was feeling bereft without purpose.. I took up my smart phone and was going through , WhatsApp, Facebook, candy crush, tetris... But as usual my mind was on so many things...Listing them out..
1. Daughter
2. Office Problem
3. Yet to do my record for M.A. psychology.
4. Have to study for my 12 th Feb exam
5. Write Assignment for second year
6. Finish my human rights project
7. Discuss with my husband regarding niece
8. My mother in law's health.
9. My health, Ravis patience..Caretaking

My mind is like a highway with traffic in so many lanes .
Between all this watched Federer win,. read paper,slept  and continued with what needs to be done at home front, spoke to my kids, and went to sleep.

Today, was discussing office issue with my best friend. I made a mistake and used a wrong  word  " loose". My best friend ,a wonderful person that she is told me you being a member of such an elite group of awesome people how could you use that word... I was so Intent in conveying my message I had not realised the use of the word. And the instant she pulled me up .. I was totally upset.

Because I was just typing my thanks to her for introducing me to such a wonderful group of people ..And inspite of my long association with her and interaction with them I am such an incapable person not able to get over my habit  of using wrong words. I take great care these days to see what I write and say , so the fact that I slipped  rankles a lot. In fact during the course of my conversation she told me she had not introduced me there someone else had and I felt all the more guilty. These self flagelling was going on while I had to interact with so many people at office... And towards evening, I had started feeling that no matter how many years of association I have with best of people , I will not improve.
Once a colleague commented that inspite of being Geeta's friend for so many years , you lack maturity and patience. In fact the word she used was " pakkuvam".. she felt I was not mature enough to justify my age and I was too impulsive,too involved, less balanced so on and so forth.
Whenever this comes to my mind , I keep asking why should I be just like Geeta, why can't I be me?. Yes,I lack her intelligence, maturity,skill, knowledge and so many other things.. but that doesn't mean I am not worthy of being my own person.. In fact , I kind of learnt to accept that I am what I am . I am  not in  competition with anybody, it is ok for me to be the way I am. Let people like me or not I am what I am.
But today I feel that I am really incorrigible. How many times should I be taught ? when will I ever grow? How do I expect my children to be any better  with my input ?How can I impart something which I am not able to master.?
Parallelly I was also worried about a friend of mine, my mil, my blood pressure which was fluctuating and my daughter s health.
What kind of a creature am I?..  I feel so worthless and  I also feel  am luxuriating in self pity ...  I asked my husband what he thinks about.? He joked ," do you want me to think about something?"..  I asked him why can't  I be like you? Why is my mind so filled with thoughts?.. poor man. I told him hope I don't end up in an asylum..
Apart from all the above there was a discussion on how money was wasted on weddings with another friend. For reasons not known to me  today I pulled up my mother in law too, for an act she has always been doing and will continue to do no matter what happens.

No idea where I am going to land. If somebody could just wipe of my mind and leave it like a blank slate ...If only I thought less, if only I was a better person,if only I was more talented..
If only  I had met Bala earlier,if only  I sincerely observed and followed all that Geeta does, if only I was better equipped intellectually to learn from her ,  if only my health was more conducive for me to roam around.if only I expected less in life...........Life !!! I am so tired ..But then again I have the privilege and luxury of thinking and ranting about so many things where as there are people out there .
What a day, what thoughts .. ok even this will pass away.... Hope... Hope ....Hope...
Probably B.P is the cause... Excuses excuses..