What Are We Doing As Parents?

An early morning conversation with my colleague yesterday ,triggered a lot of feelings in me as a Girl/Lady/Parent and most importantly as a Feminist. 

My friend is a father of two girl children, I  casually enquired about the future academic plans of his elder daughter which set off the trigger in him.  He was very vociferous and bubbling with repressed anger on the demands of his "girl" "child". According to him, the child may have lots of plans , dreams, etc., but it was not in "his" portfolio to cater to the same.   Suppose, the child did not succeed the  chosen field, then there was no way she was going to be indulged by giving her a break of one yer for more intensive coaching and preparation, as she will be around 24 years on completion of the course. After all she is a girl and he has a responsibility  to get her married, which he proposes to do at 22 years. or maximum 23 years. so I suggested, any way after her schooling , let her go for a graduation in college and then decide. 

He said and " emphatic NO"  Why? sheer waste of money. She can always get a degree through correspondence try her luck doing something else parallelly, worse come to worst , after all  she is a girl and  "Üdhyogam  Purusha lakshanam". being a girl she can get a job in bank, government, public sector etc if required.

This attitude of my friend which I have been observing for the last 6 months has triggered a lot of questions in my mind.At this  point , I would like to add, that to my knowledge this is nto an isolated case, but the attitude of more than 60 % of my colleagues  and friends. 

It is important for a girl to study if possible professionally but the parents duty comes to an end only on her marriage. why? because she is our "responsibility and once given away in "kanyadaan" there ends the matter .

For more than 2 years I have been actively taking all steps to create awareness on the equality of sexes and promotion of the concept that there is a distinction between sex and gender. In this scenario, this type of interactions cause immense pain and rage in me , not knowing what to do  and a feeling of utter helplessness .

Why would not the parent not allow her education in a college? Simply because at this level or stage of schooling she has a lot of friends around 30-40 and the number will increase in college . Similarly her desire to acquire and possess all material things that her friends  possess like, cell phone, laptop, ipad, etc would also increase . He asks me , "do you want  me to waste money like that? No Not required, "Very feebly I suggested , why dont you sit and talk with the child and explain the family situation on all fronts, like economic, cultural, background instead of confrontation or a strict "no". 

He said, "No Not required, next you will say that I will have to dance to her tunes and satisfy all her needs and indulge her. No chance, that is not the way I operate. There has to be a limit and a line drawn. "

Now I am more than enraged , I am livid and it took all my self control to keep my lips shut and nose out of the issue. My mind started working overtime and issued all these questions to me one after the other :
1) What does he expect from the child?
2)If a child is adamant or demanding during its teenage, it would not have come all of a sudden, . How had we handled this earlier.? If our financial situation does not allow us to indulge our child then what is the harm in explaining the same to the child in the age appropriate manner, giving the child a sense of belonging and responsibility ?
3)Why does he feel that she is a subordinate  or someone who has to listen to him  only
and not express any of her ideas or notions?
4)What about the girl? what will be her mental state?Considering that she has to struggle for everything at every stage, be it for literacy,education, or economic independence.
5)Accepting he is right and the girls accepts all that he says, what guarantee has he that his "responsibility"is over after her marriage? or does that mean that any thing that happens to her after wedding is no more his concern?
6)What will happen to the girl after her marriage? how will she handle situations? suppose something goes wrong will the child be able to face life independently? Can she trust her parents for refuge? will she have the ability to trust and learn and assess people around her?
7) These days children are exposed to various people events, ideas etc. Assuming she confides her problems to a few of them, and is being taken undue advantage of then will she be able to face the situation and life after this?
8) Is that all a girls life is all about, studies , employment marriage?. She is only a matter of responsibility and nothing more.?

When I see these kind of people around me ,  I learn to differentiate and understand the difference between literate, educated and lettered. As Kalpana Sharma rightly said these people are "lettered" but are they educated?

No matter how much education, exposure we have, if we do not change our view point and attitude then what is the whole point. Are we wise because we know the tonnes of religious shlokas/mantras/verses and follow all rituals and ceremonies diligently and blindly without a care or thought to  the emotional, physical, pshycological state of the people around us.

When we point fingers we are very clear on where and with whom the mistake is . Is it not required of us to introspect and correct ourselves ? Is learning not about understanding and correcting our selves to evolve into a better  person.

I agree that there is no right way and wrong way in parenting  and I am the last person to advise another on how to bring up a child , when I am not aware of the concept, but I firmly believe, children always need our support and care specially when they are not fully independent. Hence, it is essential for us to assure them and reassure them always that we will be there for them  but at the same time  their overall development to emerge as an individual is also our responsibility.

It is not only our duty to school them in academics but also in behaviour, values life skills so that they they are able to lead their life with or without somebody's support.  

Why do I need feminism?

Everyday, a number of questions cross my mind on various issues, on their own or while seeing , peoples behaviour, attitude etc.. Today , one such discussion was with a couple of my friends who wanted to know what is it you want. ? In fact , they were saying that I was neither a full atheist , nor a full theist, nor agnostic,  could not accept me as a skeptic ?(if I delve into this topic this blog will never get written and so also our arguments also never end) I told them first and foremost  I am a feminist and then I am a humanist. They wanted to know why? and what  I mean by feminism? I said even in the days when I was a devout worshipper/religious person/ believer...... I was first a feminist. My father, the Head of the Family was a strict disciplinarian who believed in the dictum , My Ship My Order. Also , according to him , it is not required that women have education / employment / empowerment etc... It was my mothers sheer will, motivation and encouragement that made all three of us - GIRLS - educated, employed, empowered and independent both  individually and economically. 

My earliest memory of feministic argument started when I was around 8 years old and it has continued since. I was always against the discriminatory attitude meted out against girls and the double standards held between two sexes. However, there was very little I could do about it. My only wish which I had been mentioning till very recently was.  " If there is a next birth then in that case I would very much like to be born a boy and do JUST AS I PLEASE".  I do not know how many of  you can identify with this but ,that was a constant prayer. Because , anything I wanted to do ,  I was forbidden , or considered defiant simply because I was a girl and I had to do what was told to me. 

Now this being my background, if I considered something an unimaginable treasure, it is my friends, They were always there for me to ground me, console me, motivate me, educate me and help in my evolution and one act of rebellion which I continued from my 15th year was I had friends in both sexes much to the displeasure and anger of my father. But these friendships have gone a long way to make me what I am. But all this is beside the topic. 

Because, in todays discussion, the question was what is it that my group of Gender Awareness Promoters aim to achieve. What are we thinking and doing and how does it matter?. What do you want to achieve with YOUR FEMINISM. 

This Question is being thrown at me very often of late , by one and all, whether  near or dear or known or unknown. So the following is the introspection of my self and why I do need feminism . I am not sure I am going to be able to get all my points across , but I am going to give it my best. 

Here I would first love to state , that feminism is neither, mine or others but an absolute must as  50% of human population or "HALF THE SKY" as Nikolas Kristof  says is made up of women.

So the next question is Ok , So , what do you  want. ? Do you really think you are going to get freedom? If so what are you  going to do  with it.? I said I want to walk , act, dress, talk, behave and just BE what I want without being labelled as anything but just another human being. 

I do not want to be seen as a WOMAN but as a person who is in no way inferior or superior to another person.? 

So the next question thrown at me is How do you think you can achieve it . ?

Yes  I agree, it is a daunting task , but then it is important to educate the young people that binary difference of biological sex has got nothing to do with physical, mental, emotional, psychological capabilities and no one needs to feel less or more in comparison to another. and that is what we GAPies are doing.  And we are starting with children because they are growing and not filled with preconceived ideas , bias, notions and it is a good place to see the future being different from what it is. 

Next argument - No matter what you do in case there is a rape- it is only the girl who is affected and not the man or men who raped her. Yes accepted , that the personal inviolable space of the man /woman , girl/boy  and children (please understand that men do get raped) is violated.

Yes , the personal space of a girl is violated, but when she has to suffer enough, physical emotional, mental and psychological pain as one would with any other accident, plus the excessive display of aggression, brutality we take great pains in making it a matter of HONOUR too. which is totally absurd.  If I meet with an accident on the road , the injuries caused to me are also painful and intolerable to me and in the case of rape it is escalated to total violation of a personal space and more painful. To this if you add other ingredients like , dress code, boyfriend, honour and all nonsense it is manifold and totally unwarranted.  And dress has nothing to do since children as young as 3 mths and women as old as 91 years are also getting raped. 

So by creating this Gender Awareness among school children we would like to teach the young people that ...... we should care for another person irrespective of sex (male/female) or gender ( which is a whole broad spectrum). So when this topic touched the Broad spectrum of gender, they brought up the issue of LGBT. which again with the little knowledge I had I defended saying that  NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO QUESTION THE PERSONAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION OF A PERSON AND THAT IT WAS A PERSONAL MATTER. It is not an unknown component and has been existing in all eras/period including sex with beast , which as every claim is made  today is part of OUR  INDIAN CULTURE tooo. 

The next shot .... "then there will be no decorum in society if every body starts living for the individuals need. The very fabric of society is going to be torn and that is meaningless and useless talk". One of them said , "I really do not understand what exactly is that you want with your fight for FEMINISM".

In fact, I think thinking and writing about each aspect of todays discussion will be more than  I can achieve in this single post . So I took up the FEMINISM aspect alone.  Why do  I need feminism?

I need feminism , because 

•  I want the boys to feel it is ok to cry and not be called girlie or sissy in a derogatory manner
• I want the girls  who do not cry not be called , "cold hearted" , "not gentle", "too arrogant" "too self involved" "trying to act like a man when the right thing would be to be a proper girl  cry and get  it over  with "
• I want the boys to feel okay if  they do not feel like playing with a truck but happy with a bunny.
• I want girls to feel okay and nice if they do not want barbie but GI JOE.
• I want the girls to learn - flying, aeronautics, thermodynamics, quantum physics and all those things which is considered an exclusive male domain  - and be okay with  it . Rather than be told :"please remember you are a girl and in future you have to take care of family so choose that which will help you to balance both."
• I want the girls, to feel free and wear  bermudas, shorts, skirts, long or short, dresses which they are comfortable in rather than dresses which do not "attract" attention or "disturb even the best man"
• I want girls to be completely okay with not having any artistic talents like , stitching, cooking, cleaning, drawing, knitting etc and not considered a"girl" with "Weird" notions since all she likes is chess, squash, reading papers the first thing in the morning, and discussing politics and finance rather than cookery and jewellery. 
• In short, I want the girls to have all the advantage and opportunity that today's boys have and boys to indulge in all those aspects of life which they are nurturing secretly , and  they are prevented from due to sex based strictures. 

This need of what I want with " my feminism" is endless  but most of all  I want FEMINISM because I want every boy and every girl to be comfortable in their own skin, with their own likes and dislikes and without criticism or comparison based on sex or gender , which is hurtful  and needless. 

I do not know if  I have made myself clear or my narration is valid but this exercise of mine has helped me immensely in putting things in perspective and also to reassure me that the road taken by the GAPies is a long one and the journey needs to be taken if we want to reduce and eventually remove the sex/gender based bias , problems, objectification , issues in the long run . 

I AM HAPPY BEING A FEMINIST AND I STILL WANT FEMINISM. 

FREE THOUGHT PARENTING

Spent a very educative and enlightening weekend attending Swathanthralokam 2014- National Seminar on Freethought and Science 2014. There were 14 sessions in all which discussed various topics .Among the 14 sessions there was only a single women speaker Geetha Tg  and she spoke about Freethought Parenting.  The speaker spoke for almost an hour with interesting anecdotes and a well paced narration as to how parents should go about inculcating the skill of logical reasoning and deducing conclusions to children who are within the age group of 4 and 18. 

I shall try to enlist some of the salient points of this speech, which can be used by all parents not only freethinkers... but all parents.

1) Please do not insist on implicit obedience... This insistence of implicit obedience of a parent or an elder in age, position, authority etc... Confines the child and forces the child to comply with instructions which would harm the physical, mental and psychological space of the young individual... 

Ø  That does not mean no rules, or no disciplining...  it means establishing rules, /or a broad frame work and reinforcing the same but with appropriate reasoning. 

Ø  Why no implicit obedience... because one of the major cause for a child to succumb to abuse is this reinforced instruction of "obey your elders...period."

2) Encourage the inquisitive and questioning nature of a child and answer the question asked in the best way possible as appropriate to the age and as truthfully as possible, be it about how children are born, or why is it we have eye brows. 

Ø  Today we have a friend in Google, using which both the parent and the child can learn to seek answers to questions.

Ø  Why is it essential to allow children to ask  questions to us – This is simply because it is safe for them to gain information from parents rather than outsiders since the information so received would be adulterated /unwanted/ unnecessary/untruthful- myths and ideas exposing the  child to danger too.

Ø  Encourage the habit of reading among children, which is one way to teach them to seek answers to the various questions which they come across.

Ø  A parent should understand that if the child does not seek replies or clarification of doubts from them then the child is getting information from an outside source which is not appropriate.

Ø  Why do we need to inculcate habit of reasoning and logic? Simply because in the journey of life we cannot accompany our children always... there is a proverb in Tamil “கட்டிக்கொடுத்த சோறும் கற்றுக்கொடுத்த சொல்லும் எத்தனை நாள் நிற்கும்.”

3) Teach children humanism and consent

Ø  By which that all people, male, female, transgender, irrespective of caste/creed/colour/occupation are worthy of respect.

Ø  The values of ethics, morality, dignity, truthfulness etc

Ø  These things need not be taught through lectures or speeches or in a preachy manner but it is essential for us to seize an opportunity when it presents itself a use it as a teachable moment.

She narrated an anecdote, whereby Shri Babu Gogineni taught his son and play mates the concept of consent and the necessity to respect another’s “NO”. While the children were playing, his son wanted to take a photo which the other children did not want, on observing this he very politely and firmly said, please respect their NO and understand that they do not wish to be photographed. This was told politely and firmly that it made a very good impression not only on his child but also on the play mates.

Ø   Why do we need to teach consent? Why should a child understand that only YES is a yes... and a NO or a MAYBE is always a NO.  We do not have to analyse the reason, it is all around us in the society in the form of forced, marriage/love/sexual assault/acid attack etc. Men and young boys and girls too refuse to respect a NO from another and try by hook or crook to make it and yes. It is also widely evident in our movies and media.

4) Answer the questions of children without patronising or condescending ...Allow the children to learn about all religions. They not only get their inputs from parents but also from the society comprising of friends, teachers, neighbours, relatives ,media to say the least. It is important for us to teach children to differentiate between right and wrong inputs/behaviours/practices etc.  We should always remember that children learn not only that which is taught to them but also imbibe our responses, reactions to them and others.

It is not wrong for a parent to apologise for their mistakes to the children. It is important for children to know that parents also falter and make mistakes and are not all knowing...