The Impact of Patriarchy in the life of a 20 year old in the 1990’s

       A young girl brought up in a relatively conservative family with  a discipliniarian for her father, managed to complete her graduation with great difficulty. Among three daughters  she was  considered  rebellious by nature since she dared to question the authority of her, father at times, though not always  , the other two girls were very docile and implicitly  obedient and never opposed the  “ head of the family – the father” overtly or covertly.

        One act of rebellion by this girl whom  I shall call “A” was a dare to take up employment against the wishes of her father and decide to stay away from home too. The father could not digest the fact that one of his off-springs and that too a girl to  boot, dared to go against his wishes. Hence, he decided to wash her hands off by giving her in marriage to an orthodox / conservative family , so that she may be put in place.

          A was a reasonably friendly person  who had good friends in both  sexes. Apart from her authoritative father , she had devout and loving mother, who kept reassuring her that the all – pervading God would take care of difficulties of each one. Both the parents , instilled in the children  the following  facts :

1.   Family was  of “Prime importance” and should   be given priority at  all  costs.

2.   Father was the head of the family else it would be the senior most Man,  and his word is law.

3.   Woman have certain roles  to play and rules to abide  by which they should not cross at any time.

4.   Before taking any action the reflection /consequence of the said act on the parents, siblings, spouse, inlaws  should be taken into consideration.

5.   No act of the girl should bring about any shame or loss of face to the  members of the family especially the head.

6.    All problems inside the family should be sorted in-house and it was unwise to take   the same or discuss about it outside  the four walls of  the family home.

         Though A was a reasonably intelligent girl and with a questioning nature, she imbibed the above qualities and did not think  it right to question them since her mom was doing a great job managing an authoritarian husband and children – simply on her own strength and devotion to God and with no support from outsiders including her maternal relations.

A got married to a boy of her father’s choice. It was a reasonably grand affair and the strict patriarch much against his usual norms  succumbed to the demands of the groom’s family since he was not happy  with the daughter’s decision  to work away from the family home and he was convinced that over a period of time, things would settle down.

The groom was a graduate  and a journalist in a very renowned newspaper holding a very senior post. The wedding was attended by a lot of dignitaries and wished by politicians, Members of Parliament, Ministers etc.

The girl was in the seventh heaven  in the knowledge, that the man she  married had such high contacts and should have been well liked by one and all to be so greeted.  One  small factor proved troublesome which was that the groom was a smoker and an occasional drinker. But her father, had convinced her that since he himself was smoker, A should know that it was only a bad habit and not a character flaw and social drinking was not a crime.  The  groom talked less in front of elders  and it was considered a good sign of obedience and submissiveness.

A was impressed by his talent to read 4-5 books at a time , writing poetry,sketching . He was a veena player which was A’s favourite instrument of music. 

Post the euphoria of wedding, A went to settle down in her  in-laws place. Her marital family consisted of 4 members only including herself. There were no relatives on her Father-in-laws side but the Mother in  law had a number of siblings, nephews and nieces , working in very high places.

A day or two after settling down the girl started facing reality.

1)  She was not allowed to wear salwar or nightdress.

2)  The dress she has to wear ,along with jewellery and hairstyle would be dictated by her husband only both inside and outside the house.

3)  She was not to visit any neighbours in the flat  nor indulge in   chitchat with vendors, milkman, liftman etc.

4)  All valuable belongings should be handed over to her spouse and mother in law for safe keeping.

5)  No savings bank account to be maintained individually by her -only jointly with spouse .

6)  No communication  may be received or sent orally or written  with any members of her family without the knowledge and permission of both the spouse and in-laws. All letters should be addressed by one and all to the father in law and he will read out the letter or relay the conversation as  he deems fit.

7)  No question of privacy /secrecy for the youngest member, every member of the family can go through her shelf, handbag etc.

8)  Money would be dealt with by the father-in-law and mother-in-law only.

9)  Bus charge to and from office should be requested from the father in law and that too a sum not exceeding Rs. 5/-. Any balance amount should be returned and accounted for.

10)               Not to interact with any visitors or guest  to the house unless called for and introduced. To remain in the kitchen , unseen and unheard.

11)               No coffee or tea in the morning without serving it first to all others in the house.

12)               Food should be served by her to all the other members, of the family and only then eaten. Leftovers of previous day should first be finished before eating the day’s left over. Only these kind of habits would instill custom tradition and values of the olden days.

13)               A should sleep in the corner, of the hallcumdiningcum bedroom of the single bedroom house during her periods on a mat with a tattered clothing stuffed pillow. She should not appear before her husband during the  three days and  on the fourth day she should have her bath much before sunrise in cold water and get herself purified  before entering the “household”.

The above is small list of dos and donts but enumerating the whole list would not serve the purpose  of establishing the impact of patriarchy.

A managed to send a letter to arelative stating that she found the practices  and treatment meted out to her as abnormal and difficult to undergo. But she was caught and made to swear on her mother and husband to not commit  such unlady like crimes which would harm the interest of the family . Being a devout person, she  made the promise and abided by it dutifully . But one act of transgression led to invasion of her office space, daily search of handbag etc.

The foolish  girl in the mistaken notion of “family” and “ family honor”  that all sufferings can be  and should  be endured –strictly abided by the dictum. The very thought to transgress or break rules enforced did not cross her mind for 2 reasons ---

a)   Family  was supreme and married  girl will be considered respectable  if and only if she lives or dies in her marital home – Return to parents  house was strict no no.

b)  What about the honour of her parents which she will put at stake in case of a breakup and how the said act would afftect the life of her other unmarried siblings.

Lastly , she thought she was an educated girl and expected to handle her own problems without relying on the support of anyone else and she had to prove her truthfulness and integrity to the marital home.

ALAS , what a pack of nonsense , her belief was . While thinking about it I was wondering what if she had come across programmes on Gender violence, gender awareness, equality between sexes and mainly to the fact of impact of Patriarchy. If she was made aware of acts which could be  considered as downright breach of privacy, abuse, infringement of rights it would probably have made a difference . Women should be taught that standing up for fulfilment of  basic needs does not fall into category of transgression of “customs, tradition, etc”.

To cut a long story short, A was subsequently rescued by her father whom the society considered a bold and courageous man.

But this story is not retold here to add a statistic to the innumerable such happenings, rather it is to emphasis the need  and importance to bring about gender awareness, sensitization in upbringing of children. Parenting does not involve just instilling values ,ethics, teaching shloka, customs , practices , celebration of festivals and their importance. It also involves teaching children to distinguish a right act from a wrong one, to inculcate the confidence in them to stand up for their rights, to make them feel worthy of themselves whether they live within the institution of marriage or without.

The various facets of gender , emotions and feelings should be made known to them and they should be guided and made able to distinguish one from other.

The impact of patriarchy into the life of men women and children should be taught to them along with all other essentialities.

PEARLS OF WISDOM

 

                             Since moving into my new flat I get my clothes ironed from my ex-construction supervisor turned launderer ( that is for nearly the last 12 years). They were a family of two adults and four children - comprising of two boys and two girls. The elder sons are aged 25 and 21 years and the daughters are aged 17 and 9 years. The lady of the house, was a twice married person with eldest three children with her first spouse and the last daughter with the second spouse - who was my construction supervisor.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 The elder daughter , when she was fifteen years old ' fell in love' with another teenage boy aged seventeen years. The whole family was against the liaison and tried their best to dissuade the girl from continuing the relationship or contemplating marriage. However, the girl defied everybody's wishes and      eloped with the boy got married to him and settled down with her "in-laws" in Pondicherry.

                           This act of the girl caused a lot of anger and anxiety among the family members and the boys told the mother to severe all ties with her and have no contact with her at all, come what may.  A few months later , marriage of the eldest son  took place for which no invitation was sent to the girl in Pondicherry. 

                          Unknown to other members of the family the daughter continued to keep in touch with the stepfather, throughout her absence from the family. Within a year of  her marriage she delivered a girl baby and continued her stay with her parents-in-law. 

                          The second son disclosed his intention to wed a girl of his choice to the mother and as expected she got furious and asked him how when he objected to the same act of his sister he had the temerity to "fall in love"? The boy who had earlier vociferously insisted on severing all ties with the girl , accepted his fault and said that he was willing to make amends with her too.

                          Every time I meet the mother I enquire about her daughter, she said, " Amma , my daughter is in touch with the stepfather regularly and he gives me the update. She has delivered a girl baby , her husband had become an alcoholic and abusive too."  " I was discussing with my husband regarding the second son and he told me that --- see children are grown up and expressing their desire . As parents we can guide them and advise them , but it is better if you understand that we should learn to respect their choices and stand by them during their tough times. Just think back and recall the amount of opposition we faced when I wanted to marry you -- you are more than 15 years my senior- both my family and yours was totally opposed to the union , but are we not happy today? Have not your children accepted me in their fold ? You need to understand that things happen, times change  and we as parents should learn to be more liberal and accepting. After all they are our children."

                            I was stunned by the breadth and depth of the  pearls of wisdom when I heard them. If only the literate /wealthy/casteist /khap panchayati parents could be atleast slightly more understanding like this father!!

                                    

 

Parenting - Education/Literacy ?

EDUCATION/LITERACY

In  today’s  World  what  is  it  that  parents  want  from  their  children / off-springs?  Do they want them  to be literate  children  or  educated  children .  Whenever  we  speak   about  admitting children  to  school  or college(s), we talk about educating  our  children but do we actually do it?

DICTIONARY DEFINES LITERACY AS –

1)  The ability to read and write

2)   Competence  or knowledge  in  a  specified  area  eq. “Wine  literacy”

EDUCATION MEANS –

a.   The process of receiving/giving systematic instruction?

b.   The theory of and practice of teaching.

EN-MASSE  -  We try to make our children `literate/educated’  as  in 1) & 2)  and  as in  a) above , but have we succeeded in inculcating in our children   the  ability to –

v  Think before they  act

v  See/study/obseve/watch & react

v  Be punctual in all place

v  Be cleanly & neatly groomed

v  Handle themselves with dignity

v  Refrain from un-warranted acts/pettiness.

It is true  that children  today are influenced by the – MEDIA – TV/CARTOONS/CINEMAS etc. and SOCIETY AT LARGE  comprising of  --- Peers  from  play school  to  college,  people  other than parent(s), relatives, neighbours  and  acquaintances  etc.  They emulate the examples before them from early  stage  (without thinking about  them  in-depth)   and use   whatever mea ns available  to  achieve  what  they  want.

As  parent(s) what do we do?  Are we setting the right example? Are we also, not indulging  in  acts  which  does  not  suit  our age , maturity  or our position in life. Do  we  ever  stop  to   think , how our actions/ reactions  affect  -- us / our  family/ relative s and  most importantly our children? – NO.

 Citing  an  example - If, I don’t  want  my children  to  interrupt  me  during  a- phone  conversation, I should also  practice  the same  when they  talk  over  the  phone.  Children  learn  a  lot  from  observing  their parents  and  their  acts  rather  than act on  “HOW THEY ARE TAUGHT TO ACT BY THEIR PARENT”.  Parents  are  leaders/role-models   and  ones  who make  the  first  and  most lasting  impression  on  the  children .

BEING A PARENT IS NOT A POST/POSITION  BUT A STATE OF RESPONSIBITLY WHICH  IS IMMENSE.   We are in a position   guard  them   and  to GUIDE them  .  Till  an  appropriate     st(age).

Are we fulfilling it?

Parents  spend   a  lot  for   books,   tuitions,     extra classes, coaching classe,   music  / dance /art / sports  etc.  hoping  to  not only   educate their   children   but  also make  them   an  all  rounder   (!!!)  right  from the   age    of  two  .  The  child   is   seen   as   QUEEN/KING  and  practices so  established   that  the  need   of  the  child  comes  first   overcoming anything else.   The  child  should  be  able  to  get  good  marks  right  from   the  primary  school  and   able  to  dance  /  sing /   perform  on  stage  /   publish   its  work   and be  recognized   at a very  early  age  in   the  society   and  continue   at  the same  pace    as much  as  possible.

Once  the child  reaches   the   class  IX   then  all   attention   should   primarily   focus   on   studies   and  in  obtaining  the  maximum  mark s.

To  this  end,  no stone  is left   unturned  by  the parents   in  enrolling   the  child  in tuitions   /coaching  classes  / exclusive  attention  so   that  the  child  is  able  to get   minimum   of   cent per cent   if not more.   ------

 At  this  stage  a  lot  of  us  en  masse  do  the mistake  of  making  our children achieve  our aims  and  desires   to match  our whims and  fancies, than  allowing  them  to   set their goals .

When we think  back to the period twenty or twenty five years or so   when the revolution of science and technology was not so much -- we find that in comparison  there is a -total paradigm shift for  our  children  and  access /exposure to various mode of  communication technology aiding  their education and  adding to the highly  volatile level  of competition to do or un-do  situations,  which was not available to us  in our child hood. (thereby leaving us with all the necessary equipments  to enjoy our childhood)

The future of our children is more bleak  than  ours . We have not given  our child  healthy environment ,  open area  to play  and holidays  to rejoice  mainly  due to  reason  that we  ourselves  in this computer age, have little  time establish  the values of  healthy life, exercise and other out-door activities. 

The competition  is  so  intense  that a child has to  out-do others by a fraction of  a  mark inorder  to determine the course of child’s destiny  and that fraction  of mark  will  take a  heavy  toll in  her   path and  in the  future  attitude   of her   life.  This is not  to say  that  we did not have challenges, we did have our challenges  and  the same was met with limited  resource  and   the same  contributed  to our  growth. Let us  not pressurise them to become   an engineer / doctor / lawyer  or whatever failed ambitions we have .  Rather let  us allow  them  to pursue that  field which  they  think  will  help  them  to  fit   in the society.   We should not enforce our ideas  but  allow them to be independent and at the same time educate them   about  value  of life.  While  we  are  engaged  in  this  search  of  absolute  academic   achievements ----   to  the exclusion  of   everything  else    we fail to inculcate a lot of `humane’ values in the child.

It  is  best for a parent  to  identify  the   potential   the child  has  and  the  target   the child  wants  to  attain  and  help /contribute for attaining  the same.  It is also essential  for the parent to instill in the child  the  requirements  to be a  ‘humane’ being and  to contribute to the requirements  of   society  as much as possible .

. Right from her  birth  we  teach  them   to differentiate  between  various parts  of  the  body/plants  etc.,  similarly  the children  should  also   be taught   about   manners,   habits,   responsibilities,   behavior    and all other aspects of characters   for  a complete  development. as   an individual.

While we focus  all our  energy  on  academic  accomplishments   and  then   subsequent   career  with   “ good  prospects”   we  fail  to focus  on other  aspects  of  development   like  interpersonal  skill,  caring , sharing etc.   All   of   a sudden  one  fine day   when  we are  at the  end  of  the career  or   job     we  turn  to our  children  for help  and  support in our   post  retirement period.  When  doing  so  we  find  that   by  this  time  the children  are already  involved   in   the  cycle  mentioned  earlier  in respect   of  their offsprings   and   are  unable  to spare  time/attention/effort /money   to  us.

We  feel  rejected/dejected/lonely  and   tend  to  think   that   “  inspite  of  all   that  we  have   done   for  our  child/children  they  are  so  ungrateful  /selfish/self centered  etc……”

 If  we  want  to bring  about  a change    or inculcate  “values”  in  our  children   we need  to start  right  from   day  one. Honestly  speaking, I am, very concerned to  find a lot of mistaken  traits  and  habits  of  youngsters  of  today  which  is excused   by  parents  as –

Ø  THAT IS THE CHILD’D INDIVDUALITY.

Ø  SHE WILL NEVER GIVE IN – UNLIKE ME,

Ø  SHE WILL STAND FOR RIGHTS,?

It  is  not  that  children ,  being  children  ,should always  compromise /adjust/obey etc. but we should teach them to watch, observe and then to decide  on  issues  where  they  have  to  compromise  and where  they  standup.

In  today’s  nuclear  family  environment, when a child sees both parents giving her all priority ensuring that she goes to school and all needs  catered to, the child stands feeling that she is more important than anybody and her needs  first   OK.  It is not a crime to cater the childs needs  (3-4 yrs),  in  that  age.  But  right from that age. we need to emphasise the most  important aspect in the child that

---------THIS FAMILY  is a UNIT  which will  function  beautifully if all the  members  co-ordinate and function “together”. --------

 It is not required for  a 3 yr old to be lectured  upon  or do a heavy task , but in the process of getting ready to school/play-school , it is not wrong to tell her to  get her  basket, napkin and other  small items  and help  the parents in  getting  her ready  for the school. . A little bit of practice and continuous instilling of responsibility and words of encouragement giving confidence will ensure that the child will be a willing participant in days to come -- when both the parent s are getting slightly older physically and will necessarily need  and  appreciate the  participation  of  the child  and sharing of responsibilities by her.

Such activities of inclusion of the younger  family member in various acitivities of the family will inculcate in them, a feeling of belonging/responsibility/bonding and habit of SHARING which is almost absent  in today’ young generation for which I wouldn’t blame child.

I as a parent  continue to commit the mistake of buying 2 sets of colour pencils where one well do, to avoid conflict between siblings  which per-se though  not bad doesn’t  help in  inculcating  the habit of  sharing.

It is high time that we start thinking and changing  our attitudes and behaviours , mannerisms, if we want or children-to-be good citizens of the future.         

 Let us not  get hooked to various personalities’/ reflexes , but  try to ensure that the child becomes  what  he wants   and try explore her  potential to be a person on her own  and be confident  that    success which she wants  will  follow .

A piece of advice

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

A few words to my daughters....(including my nieces and friends of my daughters).......

As you know I have been quiet disturbed by a lot of happenings in our society and in and around our families and those of others, no matter what fun you make of me ,  to me all of you are equally dear . You may treat is as an advice, mokkai or not but  whatever you feel please give me a patient reading..You might wonder why I thought to write to you and not talk it over.. What happens when we talk is we get diverted and distracted and leave the main topic of discussion.

Dear Children, I request all of you to understand one thing in this life that  - Marriage is not the be all and end all  of life-  I have taken  great pains to avoid using words like “enna irunthalum samayka therriyanum ponnukku”, “ vera veetukku pora ponnu” etc… or statements like “ ponnu na samayka , kolam poda, peruka theriyanum etc…”

See. All of us need food , so we need to eat there is no discrimination on that factor, however if for  some reason you are not able to learn cooking it is okay.. it is not a great crime… You are intelligent smart  and adaptable children. What is important  in life is that you study well whatever field you chose… find a suitable employment or work to support yourself financially. See that you take steps to keep yourself independent after a few years like when you are 23 or so. It is not to say we parents will not support you, feed  you etc.. but as an individual it becomes your responsibility to become independent..

Apart from your education and related/unrelated employment… always please keep your eyes and ears open.. Knowledge in any form should be acquired, similarly skills. Cooking is an essential skill to keep yourself from hunger… all other skills which you consider essential or are fascinated can be LEARNT BY YOU AT ANY TIME AT ANY PLACE. There is no limit for learning or skill acquirement or talent improvement and skills can be mastered with practice.

Similarly, apart from your normal regular education it is also important that all other characteristics for an all round development of a human being is a must. What are they… as I always tell … A tree does not grow straight and give fruit… It grows step by step with small twigs ,branches, leaves flowers and fruits making it appealing both for visual impact and utility.

Similar , I want my children to be kind towards people around you, caring towards  your friends, family, associates and acquaintances…. Sincere in your work by either being a “smart worker or hard worker” responsible, presentable, approachable … and whatever other values you want to acquire..

But  there are a lot of other things that I do not want you to be…

Ø  Be harsh/sharp/curt/ rude  while using words or actions…. Please follow this within the family circle, immediate and outside and with your both immediate and extended friends circle.

Ø  Be disrespectful of people too.. In our life we will meet lot of people in varying ages , with whom we might not agree. Some of them will politely agree to disagree  some of them will think they are the knowall and end all of information and give illogical and unbelievable argument in an attempt to make their point… Please remember , I am not asking you to listen to their garbage.. but very politely and firmly, remove yourself from the argument or scene whichever is easier without hurting yourself and others.

Ø  Always stand up for your rights. See that your person- physical /mental /psychological person is not harmed by word or deed by any body.. family or others.   That is not to say compare yourself with your parents on an equal footing and try to justify your action. I agree with you in the sense that we are also not always correct, we have not come with a procedure manual as to how to bring out exceptional children who have only positive qualities and no negativity. I doubt if such an endeavour is possible but all of us are human beings likely to make  mistake   so even when we make some mistakes , be polite in telling us that our view points are incorrect.

Ø  There is no question of implicit obedience of any  body (exception your parents....I stand corrected here ..concept of implicit obedience may not always work for the betterment of you.. Hence i prefer you do not blindly obey or implicitly obey your parents too...) … However old they may be.  Politely but firmly desist from any act with  which you are not comfortable/ whomever they may be..

Ø  Please rememeber children that your parents will always be there for you to fall back on..Even when you commit a mistake or a mistake is committed against you..

Ø  I may shout, scold ,correct you , nag you but I am confident that my children are smart /intelligent/capable  and I would not like or entertain any body other than me correcting them and same goes for other mothers too.  My shouting nagging is only in an attempt for your well being and good upbringing, but I would not tolerate any body including my mom and mother-in-law saying a word against my children..as you are very well aware.

After this very big prelude   let me come to the crux of the matter.. MARRIAGE.

What is it?  It is a coming together of two different individuals into a relationship for a long term relationship, with or without thali ring etc. It is an act of living together with the societal sanction . In India , it is also the mingling of two families.. Whatever be the nature of marriage, what is important is the boy and girl are able to communicate with each other freely without inhibition.

Probably in love marriages it might take place early ( I am not very sure)  and in arranged marriages  it might be a little late. But whatever it is , what is ultimately required by you, is to watch out for the person who intend to marry. I do not care how the groom comes either through your selection or your parents but please ensure before you acquiesce that he is worthy of you. That is very important.  Any communication between you, any act of his or word or idea should not cause any kind of discomfort  to you.

Please remember children , even parents may not always judge rightly, and may make mistakes but no matter what--- you , your life and your worth comes first for me and nothing else. So please feel free to communicate to me or your parents  at any time any stage of your relationships if you have any doubts or apprehensions about the person chosen as your groom.

Also please remember, the word Adjustment is the most misused word in the institution of marriage. Adjustment does not mean to bend , bow and fall flat. It means to find a way in which both parties are able to find an amicable solution to any situation or problem without losing self respect. Every girl should be free in her birth place and marriage home. That is not to say that you can scold your inlaws as you do your parents or siblings, but in regard to your pace, work habits, freedom to eat, drink sleep intereact etal.

You should be the person to best judge a situation and decide whether it requires a compromise or not.. Involvement of parents/relatives and siblings of both sides in the life of the bride and groom will also cause unnecessary havoc. So use your best judgement skill and do what needs to be done. Never fear to garner support from immediate surroundings whenever you need it..

My children are worthy people , I do not want them to subjugate themselves in the institution of Marriage but have a very peaceful/fun filled life  with their partners…

Wishing you all the very best….

With lots of love and Regards

Prema