This year on for Women's day our office did not have a big celebration but rather an informal get together with sweet, karam and coffee . One of the main reason was the women officers in this department were only 15 in number and they were not very keen on going on joining our colleagues at nearby places. We just wanted a simple affair. The male crowd made the majority in the gathering. The compere, a young girl started off with a shloka of "manu" which really put me off , but there was nothing I could do about it. She went on to say how in her state of Haryana, women were suppressed , not allowed to study or go out to work, how her parents were keen on her wedding first rather than her education and employment . Post marriage, after her in laws permitted, she wrote the SCN exams, got selected and moved to Chennai. She narrated an incident, when she was pelted with stones by boys while travelling to school in her bicycle. She requested our young colleagues to start thinking and treating their female acquaintances as equals and not inferiors.
I got to speak after her. I spoke about the "Sexist remarks that we woman face everyday in our office". While doing so two sentences later,I noticed that most men were not interested, the senior most officer was totally irritated and except for the few ladies in the audience, most of them did not relish what I was talking about . To cite a few examples, I said my colleagues often ask me if it was " Madurai " or "Chidambaram" at my place. The former means female dominant household and the latter means male dominant. Another statement fellow male colleagues often make is " Madam your very arrival is scary madam.( Because I am slightly tall and well built)... Seeing you , we feel your husband is a really a poor fellow". I explained that this was an unwarranted comment . Not only me , but a few more ladies feel that way. Similarly if we fail to bring lunch one day and order in canteen , The common question is : "what madam, your husband did not cook? ..heheehe." .. So I asked "how does it matter to you whether the wife cooks or husband cooks in the family, why do you look down upon the said man and woman when they are cool about it". Actually I had jotted down a lot of points but I noticed that my speech was not well received.
I just stopped abruptly, stating that "I notice that Higher official wants me to stop , so I stop now". Other men came forward to speak,, and some stuttered away , some spoke platitudes, finally an youngster concluded, saying that "Women should always remember that the home needs them more than office and their role as mother is irreplaceable blah...blah........ " So according to me women's day celebrated on 09.03.2018 was a total mish mash. But it was over and done with. After the function I had to go and thank the" Senior official for allowing us to celebrate it and for his cooperation"......!!!!!!
But after that day I sensed a change in the behaviour of a few officials and colleagues in their interactions with me and others.. I was ok with it and personally I had no regrets, I spoke about what I felt was right. But the problem was during the speech I became slightly passionate, which looked like "anger" to the audience . I think it was more of my involvement and lack of detachment - whatever, it was , it was over and done with.
Today 27.04.2018.. I happened to interact with a colleague , who is considered a very knowledgeable "officer" and "gentleman" , whom all senior officials also consult in various legal issues. He needed a clarification, and I had to help him out with it. We were waiting for internet connectivity and we got talking. First it was politics and it was how very nicely, Modi had improved Governance, tried to change what cannot be changed in 60 years... ....blah, blah, blah... So while arguing for the Prime Minister , he told me ," every individual should change from within only then there can be change. "
Then he told me " madam i need to speak to you about one matter, please don't mistake me. Even if you mistake me , it is ok I need to tell you. ". I told him "please tell me what you want , that is your choice, whether I should mistake you or not is a decision , I need to take, so do not tell me about it. In case you want me to know just say it and I shall listen. "
"Madam, the other day during women's day celebration, though your speech was factual, it was like male bashing madam. Not many men relished it, including our senior official, When you speak in a public gathering, it is important for your to get across your view point but more important it is to be diplomatic and sugar coat it ... That too that day being Women's day Celebration ... we could have "celebrated " it rather than your bashing us. What you said might have been true, still it is more important how you say it . You demolished all of us with your words. Not everyone liked it. We could have celebrated it differently. I told him ., Sir , it was International Working Womens day. A day for us to contemplate and work towards those rights which we are yet to attain fully as women. It is not a day of celebration alone. It is a day when we pledge to work more towards achieving our various goals. Also , yes I could sense you people did not relish it, that is why I stopped abruptly. But can you please tell me , if I had made an incorrect or off-colour remark that day.
He said " no no madam, it may be the truth but we did not need to hear it that day. Also you must understand why we have this hype on women's equality,. Please understand, it is because of you women yourself and media. You women do not dress properly, you were tight fitting jeans. revealing tops, this churidhar came, which you wear without dupatta, then this leggings, so unbecoming in women . You dress and you invite trouble and then cry rape. Also women have started venturing out to work , so there is an increase in illicit relationship and fall in morals, We are aping the western culture whereas the westerners are following our culture and saying "rudram, chamakam" etc. Internet makes the mind impure so that is one more reason. Even before rape was happening but it was never publicised. You women behave "socially" and then you cry rape . Dont cry rape then? Why do act in movies and show yourself sexually? Why is it you prostitute yourself. Men can have illicit relationships even if they have a happy married life , but women after marriage they are loyal to their husbands, that is their culture. You will not get attracted to us because we have nothing to show and distract you . Where as you women have all the ability to distract us. "
I told him, "When I speak to you I look at your face, start change from within you and every time me or another lady talks try to look at our face and converse.". " Madam that is not possible we get distracted , you can't t blame us. Women's way of dressing and carrying themselves tend to incite a lot of unwanted thoughts.. so it is not us to blame ... "
Oh believe me there was just so much more in the way he was going on and though I tried to give him back left and right with statistics, he suddenly asks me "Madam , are you working with NGO or something. Also madam, dont take this personally, I just wanted you to know, how society things, whatever happens only you women get blamed so you need to be careful . Avoid reading news on child rape or old women rape , it causes negativity in mind. Read rudram and chamakam, it purifies your mind. You should always be aware , whatever happens woman will be held responsible. " Finally I asked him ,"Sir what gives you the right to put your honour an respectability on the shoulders of the women in your family, please carry it yourself. " His reply "What to do madam, society is like that , world over - you have to stay safe. "
I was getting irritated and wanted to move away, for every statement he made, wherever I could I did give him good and told him sir ,you had your say, what I feel about it and what I do about it is my decision. And do not be surprised if you get quoted about it in a public forum. But I thing you need to learn a lot about men and women. Bye. "
The tragedy, is my work is such that I have to interact with these kind of people day in and day out. He is one example of casteist, chauvinistic, person. 85% of men and women are like him. I just wish I develop more patience to handle them. The good that came out of this interaction is
a) I got to see one more hypocrite
b) and I learnt that with practice even I can speak assertively and confidently without a trace of anger and without being coy or shy...
I am thankful to my friends for helping me grow in this manner.
phew what a day. ...
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