P.K.SHRUTHI

               My niece  Shruthi was the first friendly face I met in my husband's family twenty years ago. She was two and half year old, chubby bubbly child who was running around uninhibitedly.

               As per tradition my mother had made ,"Sojji ie Kesari" and mixture for all the persons who came for the bride viewing ceremony and I tell you it was quite a crowd. This fact caused a lot of irritation and apprehension  in my mind . When I came out and expressed the traditional "Hello", she was happily eating the Kesari from a small cup and I still remember her words  " Amma can I have some more Kesari bath". I took it as an excuse and told her "come inside I will give you some more" so that I could escape the crowd. But my shrewd father called my younger sister to look into the matter. My mother was absolutely thrilled that the child liked her sweet. After this, episode  I met her on my wedding day a month later , on which day  I am very sure that we did not have any interaction . She was in her favourite "pink" tee shirt and "black" suspenders clinging like an appendage  to her mother , my sister in law.  She was like an extension of her mother refusing to go to any member of her family. This  pose , I later came to understand was her standard practice , outside home. 

                My next meeting with her was when she came down eight months later and we had a nice excursion to the beach where we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and she felt it was okay to play with me. The minute we came out of beach , she affixed herself to her mom and turned her back against all of us. Over the course of next 19 years my interaction with  her considerably increased and today we have an excellent friendship. She is daughter to me and a young friend -  more than a niece. 

                 However, in the intervening period she had various facets to her personality which was hilarious and at the same time thought provoking. When her cousin, my daughter, was born I remember her asking me "Prema mami naan thodalama?" {Mami can I touch the baby}. The way she looked at the infant and our handling of the child, would be filled with wonder  and highly focused. 

               
                   Since early childhood, she was never a gregarious person ,but whenever her close family like her paternal aunt or maternal uncles family take leave of her after a visit to their house, she would develop a "tummy ache" which would cause her to shed copious tears and bawl herself out. All of us would realise that this was an exhibition of  her angst in our leaving her house . There were days when the period of tummy ache might start one day eariler too. It occurred not only when we left her house after a visit but even when she left our house to return home. 

                                       
                    The tale her parents , my husband and myself concocted to break her habit of bottle feed , is still fresh in our memory. Though she had a suspicion it might not be true. it took all our prowess to convince her that her favourite bottles were stolen by thieves when her mother had forgotten to bring them to  Chennai.  One other comment she gives every time she visits Chennai , was Chennai stinks , Bangalore does not. 

                 She was a silent child but a mischief maker without fanfare and her innocent face would belie alll her inventive methods and sneaky mischievousness. She was a great lover of stories and would unfailingly pester me for stories as and when opportunity arises. I remember once when I told her that I was unable to recollect any new story she promptly said, " its ok prema mami  you can repeat whatever old tales you remember". As a child she was self motivated who made me give her maths problems, general knowledge questions, riddles , word games to keep her occupied. Very few times have I seen her throw a temper tantrum. During her teens she spent a month with our family and that is when we got to know each other better. She was very kind and affectionate with my son, pally and playful with my daughter . The threesome would keep themselves occupied with little or no intervention from adults around. 

             Over the period of time our interactions and increased with advent of technology and frequent get togethers . I was thrilled to note she was avid book reader and this helped us to forge our ties and  interaction more tightly .  Also our tastes in movies and books were very much on the   same lines  so were our feministic ideas. 

                  I have also learnt and understood  that this young intelligent girl is also capable of a lot of naughtiness and mischief  as the situation requires, My daughter's frequent refrain  is that "Amma you do not know  Shruthi, she is a silent mischief maker".  All said and done, this child of mine has become a young working woman of today which shows the speed of flight of time. 

                   When her parents were discussing that , come January 2015 they  would like to start looking out for a husband for Shruthi, I was kind of jolted into reality by the fact that this little one has grown up and would start spreading her wings in this world. 

                   Though it mind sound cliched, the fact remains that  I consider her old enough to discuss various issues, exchange gossips, recipes etc. But the fact that she has become eligible for marriage seems to have happened too fast. 


                      Today, Shruthi is a reasonably independent young women capable of taking decisions, understanding people, situations capable of managing life as it comes. But the mother in me and the aunt in me wishes my child enjoys her period of liberation or unmarried marital state to the maximum before  she is shackled with responsibility of a family.

Whiplash of the tongue

There is a saying which says “pen is mightier than the sword” adding to it , it should be stated that use of tongue without caution like an unbridled horse, causes immense damage. The power of speech and  the impact of it, on the audience / the listener is immense. It is essential to remember that right from beginning , children should be taught by example and otherwise  - what to speak, what not to speak, when to speak and when not to speak. Today’s children and youngsters are well exposed to various facets of technological advancement. This exposure gives them both required and unrequired input. In the over enthusiasm of possessing such inputs they allow their tongue to wag even without necessity and  sometimes  - highly inappropriately.

By doing so they are not aware of the consequences most of the time and sometimes they do not care about it. As a part of parenting it is imperative for us to know and guide them / correct them and  their usage of vocabulary. Being taken for granted, though many consider it as a compliment it is not always so . Such a notion gives idea to the children that it is possible to speak anything and everything to parents. Yes it is possible to speak anything and everything , but it is very essential for them to learn how the same should be presented , even with parents with whom they can speak ‘freely’ . It is essential to inculcate in the children  the capacity to hold their tongue so that the listener does not suffer the effects of the  the tongue lash.

Children today are more demanding and adamant.  This could be attributed to various reasons, but what needs to be done is that they should be taught not to lash at the parents also with their words. The quality of being manipulative is so inbuilt in them that they are easily able to escape with great ingenuity. But this does not in anyway excuse/explain their use of harsh language with parents/ friends/ family or outsiders. What parents do in such situation is even though they are hurt they try to justify or find a cause for the child’s act, which is incorrect. In the sense, that identifying the cause of misbehaviour is a must but using that as an excuse to explain and for the children to  get away with harsh language or words is incorrect.

It is important for parents  to understand and teach children that misdirected anger, irritation due to self pity, misbehaving due to lack of satisfaction are not the excuses which they should find to explain their behaviour. No matter what our situation is, it is essential to remember that tongue and its usage should be placed under guard. Else the consequences of the same should be faced. Children and parents mistakenly believe that it is ok because it is only behind closed doors or within family , that the child expresses his anguish.

But please remember it is not okay. There is no guarantee that a child’s word will not hurt the parent. The only difference between an outsider and a parent would be that the latter would find out the cause and forgive even if they do not forget, which a rank outsider will not do.

In order to teach children to exercise caution on the language, words and tone used by them it is very essential to correct them at all times when they use incorrect words, tone or manner of speaking . Parents must explicitly and implicitly ensure that misuse of words , intonation, and language by the children would not be encouraged at any cost. If at times the parents themselves commit such mistakes it behooves them to apologise and accept the fact that they were also in error with that kind of behavior.

Parents should correct the child’s manner of speaking both by constant watching and by example. If the same is not done in an early age, then no amount of excusing will take away the pain and wound caused by the harsh tongue of a person. No excuses offered are also acceptable .