Wednesday, September 04, 2013
A few words to my daughters....(including my nieces and friends of my daughters).......
As you know I have been quiet
disturbed by a lot of happenings in our society and in and around our families
and those of others, no matter what fun you make of me , to me all of you are equally dear . You may
treat is as an advice, mokkai or not but
whatever you feel please give me a patient reading..You might wonder why
I thought to write to you and not talk it over.. What happens when we talk is
we get diverted and distracted and leave the main topic of discussion.
Dear Children, I request all of
you to understand one thing in this life that
- Marriage is not the be all and end all
of life- I have taken great pains to avoid using words like “enna irunthalum samayka therriyanum ponnukku”, “ vera veetukku pora
ponnu” etc… or statements like “ ponnu na samayka , kolam poda, peruka
theriyanum etc…”
See. All of us need food , so we
need to eat there is no discrimination on that factor, however if for some reason you are not able to learn cooking
it is okay.. it is not a great crime… You are intelligent smart and adaptable children. What is
important in life is that you study well
whatever field you chose… find a suitable employment or work to support
yourself financially. See that you take steps to keep yourself independent
after a few years like when you are 23 or so. It is not to say we parents will
not support you, feed you etc.. but as
an individual it becomes your responsibility to become independent..
Apart from your education and
related/unrelated employment… always please keep your eyes and ears open..
Knowledge in any form should be acquired, similarly skills. Cooking is an essential
skill to keep yourself from hunger… all other skills which you consider
essential or are fascinated can be LEARNT BY YOU AT ANY TIME AT ANY PLACE.
There is no limit for learning or skill acquirement or talent improvement and
skills can be mastered with practice.
Similarly, apart from your normal
regular education it is also important that all other characteristics for an
all round development of a human being is a must. What are they… as I always
tell … A tree does not grow straight and give fruit… It grows step by
step with small twigs ,branches, leaves flowers and fruits making it appealing
both for visual impact and utility.
Similar , I want my children to
be kind towards people around you, caring towards your friends, family, associates and
acquaintances…. Sincere in your work by either being a “smart worker or hard
worker” responsible, presentable, approachable … and whatever other values you
want to acquire..
But there are a lot of other things that I do not want you to be…
Ø Be
harsh/sharp/curt/ rude while using words
or actions…. Please follow this within the family circle, immediate and outside
and with your both immediate and extended friends circle.
Ø Be
disrespectful of people too.. In our life we will meet lot of people in varying
ages , with whom we might not agree. Some of them will politely agree to
disagree some of them will think they
are the knowall and end all of information and give illogical and unbelievable
argument in an attempt to make their point… Please remember , I am not asking
you to listen to their garbage.. but very politely and firmly, remove yourself
from the argument or scene whichever is easier without hurting yourself and
others.
Ø Always
stand up for your rights. See that your person- physical /mental /psychological
person is not harmed by word or deed by any body.. family or others. That is not to say compare yourself with
your parents on an equal footing and try to justify your action. I agree with
you in the sense that we are also not always correct, we have not come with a
procedure manual as to how to bring out exceptional children who have only
positive qualities and no negativity. I doubt if such an endeavour is possible
but all of us are human beings likely to make
mistake so even when we make
some mistakes , be polite in telling us that our view points are incorrect.
Ø There
is no question of implicit obedience of any
body (exception your parents....I stand corrected here ..concept of implicit obedience may not always work for the betterment of you.. Hence i prefer you do not blindly obey or implicitly obey your parents too...) … However old they may be. Politely but firmly desist from any act with which you are not comfortable/ whomever they
may be..
Ø Please
rememeber children that your parents will always be there for you to fall back
on..Even when you commit a mistake or a mistake is committed against you..
Ø I
may shout, scold ,correct you , nag you but I am confident that my children are
smart /intelligent/capable and I would
not like or entertain any body other than me correcting them and same goes for
other mothers too. My shouting nagging
is only in an attempt for your well being and good upbringing, but I would not
tolerate any body including my mom and mother-in-law saying a word against my
children..as you are very well aware.
After this very
big prelude let me come to the crux of
the matter.. MARRIAGE.
What is
it? It is a coming together of two
different individuals into a relationship for a long term relationship, with or
without thali ring etc. It is an act of living together with the societal
sanction . In India , it is also the mingling of two families.. Whatever be the
nature of marriage, what is important is the boy and girl are able to
communicate with each other freely without inhibition.
Probably in
love marriages it might take place early ( I am not very sure) and in arranged marriages it might be a little late. But whatever it is
, what is ultimately required by you, is to watch out for the person who intend
to marry. I do not care how the groom comes either through your selection or
your parents but please ensure before you acquiesce that he is worthy of you.
That is very important. Any
communication between you, any act of his or word or idea should not cause any
kind of discomfort to you.
Please remember
children , even parents may not always judge rightly, and may make mistakes but
no matter what--- you , your life and your worth comes first for me and nothing
else. So please feel free to communicate to me or your parents at any time any stage of your relationships
if you have any doubts or apprehensions about the person chosen as your groom.
Also please
remember, the word Adjustment is the most misused word in the institution of
marriage. Adjustment does not mean to bend , bow and fall flat. It means to
find a way in which both parties are able to find an amicable solution to any
situation or problem without losing self respect. Every girl should be free in
her birth place and marriage home. That is not to say that you can scold your
inlaws as you do your parents or siblings, but in regard to your pace, work
habits, freedom to eat, drink sleep intereact etal.
You should be
the person to best judge a situation and decide whether it requires a
compromise or not.. Involvement of parents/relatives and siblings of both sides
in the life of the bride and groom will also cause unnecessary havoc. So use
your best judgement skill and do what needs to be done. Never fear to garner
support from immediate surroundings whenever you need it..
My children are
worthy people , I do not want them to subjugate themselves in the institution
of Marriage but have a very peaceful/fun filled life with their partners…
Wishing you all
the very best….
With lots of love and Regards
Prema
