Have been reading about and sharing a number of posts on feminism. My mind is always thinking and was on overdrive this morning on this. I was recalling a few conversations with a few of my feminist friends. This group of people do also have spouses who support/ accept their stance. One of them remarked that "we should be grateful for the support and encouragement we get from our husband in what we are doing.". I was thinking about this precise statement today.
After wandering around my thoughts kind of settled on the impact of patriarchal conditioning in feminist mindset. Here by feminist I don't mean women alone but my male friends too.
" Feeling of gratefulness". I was wondering suppose man of the house was working for a particular cause, we women usually tend to brag about his involvement, his principles virtues etc. We also tend to show our appreciation of their knowledge and work not only to them, but also our near and dears and also ensure that our children are aware of the good work the father is doing.We will also try to not burden him with mundane daily / routine chores. So much so within the close circle of family he is well appreciated and work recognised.
After wandering around my thoughts kind of settled on the impact of patriarchal conditioning in feminist mindset. Here by feminist I don't mean women alone but my male friends too.
" Feeling of gratefulness". I was wondering suppose man of the house was working for a particular cause, we women usually tend to brag about his involvement, his principles virtues etc. We also tend to show our appreciation of their knowledge and work not only to them, but also our near and dears and also ensure that our children are aware of the good work the father is doing.We will also try to not burden him with mundane daily / routine chores. So much so within the close circle of family he is well appreciated and work recognised.
At this point it is to be noted that a majority of women (working& homemakers) who need not be feminist/ activist are like this even if the spouse is not a feminist/ activist, AND I am not speaking about them. I am only talking of family where both the spouses are feminist or the man of the house agrees with the lady in her principles and convictions.
Now when such a lady is involved in blogging,conducting meets,organising programme, participating in them-- she also does her routine office/ domestic work, takes care of her children's needs ,plays the role of
" Woman" of the house so that she can work on her passion and activism.
Since days of yore, when any woman achieves something her
first line of speech would be “I place on record utmost gratitude to my spouse
who has always encouraged me, my in-laws , my parents for supporting me and my
children for” forgiving me” during my absence .” Friends are you able to observe our patriarchal conditioning
here. If we want this to be a thing of past then what needs to be done?
Feminism is not posting memes against roti makers but
it means practicing at every second in daily life. I want all my friends who consider themselves feminist
and are family men to start working and practicing what they preach – be it
involving in daily “mundane” chores like vegetable cutting,grinding, cooking,
coffee/tea making, folding clothes
cleaning shelves, cleaning vessels, sweeping, mopping, buying
vegetables/groceries and whatever else needs to be done for the smooth
functioning of homefront. (In case you are already aware and practicing it , my heartfelt appreciation). In my personal experience I have noticed that my friends and me attend meets, programmes, and try hard
to get back home as early as possible
since there are umpteen things to be done and taken care of like-
- Getting Lunch/dinner ready to prepare and serve.
- Attending to Inlaws who would be waiting with impatience and discontent
- Children would be unhappy with our absence need more attention
- Next day would be a working day/weekday/festival/function for which preparations need to be made
- Kids exams/projects/drama/rehersals to be taken care off etc
So in this scenario I want all men, who are feminists to help
us overcome “our conditioned guilt” for our absence by establishing in the
household , to the inmates and children in particular that -
A child can accept , if papa is late - not if mama is. So it would be easy both for the mother and the child to understand if the “feminist” father explains this to the child.A number of friends’ spouses are excellent husbands; wonderful human beings; great supporters of feminism ; but remain “SILENT” in areas where they need to talk AND establish equality of their wives specially at the homefront .If it starts at the homefront of a few , the children would learn to accept that there is no gradation whatsoever in the love and responsibility between parents and it will help in the “conditioning” and might improve the future generation.
Similarly if a friend/ visitor/colleague/ relative tries to “just joke” about you being “henpecked” or a”Madurai man” or suffering due to your “equality principle” or makes any other sexist remark in the presence or absence of your spouse, it would be of great help if you could make a try to get them to understand that their view points and comments are not relished. It would be nice if you can be more vocal about your stand to be in support of your wife against any kind of sexist ideas /remarks. This helps us in a number of ways. Mainly, in this patriarchial society a put down from a man/ explanation from a man is accepted and at times considered too. Since, a number of adults in the family and society need to “unlearn” and “ relearn” various things we need to use all and any method that works to get our point across.
Every act of ours is watched , observed and imbibed by our children . If we want our principles and convictions "isms" to be accepted by one and all we should start from our home as the “cliché” states "Charity begins at home" and "little drops of water make a mighty ocean".
- Cooking is a chore/skill which either of the parents can manage
- Homework/Project/assignment is something that the father can also help out with as the mother is involved in an “equally” important work.
- Sweeping, cleaning, washing are gender neutral chores .
- Explaining to the children clearly by words and deed that both mom and dad are capable of having interests outside of work which is okay, and
- it is okay for either parent to absent themselves for a few hours in this regard.
A child can accept , if papa is late - not if mama is. So it would be easy both for the mother and the child to understand if the “feminist” father explains this to the child.A number of friends’ spouses are excellent husbands; wonderful human beings; great supporters of feminism ; but remain “SILENT” in areas where they need to talk AND establish equality of their wives specially at the homefront .If it starts at the homefront of a few , the children would learn to accept that there is no gradation whatsoever in the love and responsibility between parents and it will help in the “conditioning” and might improve the future generation.
Similarly if a friend/ visitor/colleague/ relative tries to “just joke” about you being “henpecked” or a”Madurai man” or suffering due to your “equality principle” or makes any other sexist remark in the presence or absence of your spouse, it would be of great help if you could make a try to get them to understand that their view points and comments are not relished. It would be nice if you can be more vocal about your stand to be in support of your wife against any kind of sexist ideas /remarks. This helps us in a number of ways. Mainly, in this patriarchial society a put down from a man/ explanation from a man is accepted and at times considered too. Since, a number of adults in the family and society need to “unlearn” and “ relearn” various things we need to use all and any method that works to get our point across.
Every act of ours is watched , observed and imbibed by our children . If we want our principles and convictions "isms" to be accepted by one and all we should start from our home as the “cliché” states "Charity begins at home" and "little drops of water make a mighty ocean".
