What are we doing as parents? 2

Today, 6 th Aug 2016.. a day which started with onset of migraine from 3 a.m .helped me bunk my class and relieved me of cooking. Though unable to sleep  was resting physically and my mind occupied for a few days on a few issues - mainly parenting.

I have been in the know of a few problems faced by youngsters due to cyber stalking and bullying. Also I happened to learn about the care of a toddler . No matter how much I read and try to be distant , issues concerning children and their safety always trouble me - be it my own or unknown. My daughter always tells me distance yourself ; your sympathy cannot solve worlds problems etc.. but however hard I try I am unable to do that.

The children about whom I am currently worried have highly educated parents who are also financially well off . These people very badly wanted children and were blessed. But ultimately I find them behaving like a spoilt and pampered set of people who wished for an expensive toy which they got and now do not know how to handle it; operate it; or play with it.

Every animal other than human beings have only 5 senses. They go about the LIFE cycle process with  only concepts of fulfilling needs of hunger, sleep , procreation and death. It is only man who prides himself with 6 senses ability to  laugh, grow physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and what not. Yet I find human being lacks sometimes the basic quality of preparing their children for growth and development.

Every animal/bird  cares for the young ones and prepares them for their independent life where as we neither prepare them nor in case they are prepared do not let go of them.

Why ? I fail to understand. I fully respect peoples wish not to have children. But once you have decided to have - is it not our duty as parents and caretakers to ensure that they can survive even without us? Is that not what a parent needs to do. Even parents of children who have a lot of disability issues strive hard to ensure that their children can continue living even without them.  But there are a few parents whom I find have kids for society's sake for prestige sake and think they have done their duty.

On the one hand there are parents who are over protective and highly interfering . On the other hand there are parents who shine in all sphere s independently, have a good image in society but are unfit to be parents. Who am I to judge and question this.? What gives me the right/authority or qualification?  I don't know. Probably I am not to involve myself but I am pained when the children suffer as a consequence of wilful negligence or what should I say indifferent parenting.

I am a feminist out and out and don't expect or want only moms to do the nurture and care part.   It is ok if the father does it too. what is required is the child  be given necessary care and attention for growth .

In a society where there is utter chaos due to a number of ' isms' is it wrong of me to expect atleast literate parents to act responsibly atleast towards family.? What point does it serve  if you have crores of money , highly regarded by outside society , you are multi talented and a great motivator and inspiration when your child can't confide in you ? Can't call you in distress?

Am I prejudiced or one-sided or am I just another feminist who preaches something but wants traditional practice to continue along with society. Am I wrong ? My expectations incorrect.?

In my journey of life there are a lot of unsavoury things that I have experienced which I would not want another to experience . So when I see a smaller child terrorised similarly I am highly disturbed and disgusted. What is the purpose of our life if we can't be useful to even that being which has come through us? Or whose birth was our wish but we are not able to bring up.

Where are the terrorist and paedophiles coming from? Where are murderers and burglars coming from. Perverted men and women coming from? Alien planet??

They are coming from this planet. We are responsible for their act . We with our indifference and apathy alone are responsible for their mistakes.
As parents, as society for not caring properly or for caring incorrectly. Children are like mirrors who reflect  our actions . Right from infancy they watch, observe, imbibe , learn and manipulate for their survival.

I am reminded of a case where a student who stabbed his teacher because she had called for his parents. Psychologists said that it was the impact of a Hindi movie he watched the previous day. Exposure to media gave him an idea etc.. there was a hue and cry in the media and questions of safety among teaching fraternity. The teachers' family members were sympathised and achievements of her children publicly applauded.

But then and now my thoughts were only with that boy.? Questions  as to what made him act that way. What is it he wanted that he didn't get ? Why was he so terrified of his parents. ? And what will happen to him after juvenile delinquency home. This society is capable of stigmatising an individual for smallest slip up so will he be heard.? Today too I am very much reminded of him . How many more such boys and girls are we going to turn out. ?

I don't think I can even list out the questions in my mind.  And a number of times I feel the more educated - sorry literate and academically qualified people are-  the more foolish  and incorrigible their attitude/ behaviour /reasoning is.    Academic education is sometimes sheer waste .  When we cannot educate or elevate our thinking and become more individually or socially responsible to what end is this book knowledge?

At the end  of the day I am just plain angry and upset and again filled with suppressed and helpless rage.

Ramblings -2

Probably the month of April , is a month I think over and above normal limit.. because my first ramble was in April 2015 on a totally different topic and today too I thought I should pen a few words on my thoughts:

A lot of my friends and relatives , who are very nice and excellent people , humane and understanding, are of the view that "continuation of reservation policy of India" is not fair or not right.  They state that after 69 years of Independence the existence of reservation for the upliftment of SC/ST/MBC/OBC/BC is not serving any purpose, but just creating an economic divide and also nor allowing or providing for  the really deserving meritorious candidates of forward community - a chance to prove their mettle. 

I want to be really honest here, I had the very same opinion and very much belonged to group of people with the same line of thought till very recently. Later I was taught about what was really happening in the society, in and around me, shown the existence of oppression, discrimination, suppression, and subjugation practiced and continued to be practiced in the city and in the villages closer to the city too. So I decided to learn about it a little and have started reading about it.

In the process of this search of mine which is still ongoing, I find that we did not have to look far  for discrimination, "perse". It is practiced right in our household on a day to day basis . We have women/men who help us in carrying out our daily lives - we call them "servant maid", "driver", "gardener", "watchman" depending on the service provided by them. I remember seeing in a kinder garden book identifying these people as "HELPERS". 

A number of us carry certain inbuilt prejudices against these very people on a day to day basis: 

(1) There are still households where "maid servant" is not allowed inside the house for washing vessels, rather asked to wash the same at a sit out or balcony. Sweeping and moping are done by house members themselves as they do not want to her to come inside the house. 

(2) Separate glass tumblers/ plates are kept to give the coffee/tea or food or tiffin; usually leftovers are given (without even checking to see if it has become stale or not)(Here I need to also add that there are people who prefer to give left overs to daughter in law ).

(3) Even if the maid enters the house and does her work , she cannot touch the kitchen worktable, cook food, make bed, or even  boil water for self or members of the house as there are people who still do not like to eat/drink food made by "them" or "served" by  "them". 

(4) If you think to say "no-no we have cooks   ". Ok fine I accept. but please check if our "maid servant" can cook our food or we have a "different cook/helper".

Let me reiterate, I am just thinking aloud and rambling  not finger pointing at faulty practices or beliefs.

When the "maid servant" goes on leave, there are people who still cut /threaten to cut her wages for not reporting to work as promised or for uninformed absence.I have heard people say , " inspite of giving so much and treating her so well" -- These "class of people lack gratitude".

Whenever, I hear this statement , I am struck with guilt because there have been several occasions when I have been forced to absent myself from duty without "prior" intimation inspite of technological upgradation. Secondly, honesty, sincerity, discipline these are individualistic values and principle and can never be generalised for a group , clan, race, caste etc. 

Next comes the statement of "ingratitude inspite of giving her so much"- Why should someone feel gratuitous to us for having taken from us, our old/used clothes, vessels, furniture/left over food, etc.? Did we not give it to them for the reason that we were in no need of them any more, rather than throwing in the dust bin we found a taker and handed it over to them "benevelontly"--for which act we expect "gratitude".

So, in that scenario have we in turn be grateful to our pay masters by any chance ? Please do not tell me that we cannot compare with them, because we can. What is the difference between them and us..? just think,.. We have been "privileged/gifted/blessed" to be born in a family where the parents have helped us reach this level/ or rather a certain level in a society such that we are in a "financial" position to employ them. They are as human as we are, with all the faculties being same, --  place/house of birth and circumstances being different we are where we are , whereas they are where they are.--- This "gap" is purely man made.. no doubt and if you believe in humanity and humaneness I am sure you will agree with me.


I am not saying that we have not struggled to reach a certain level or we have all had it easy, but the degree and extent of struggle and the point of origin of the struggle for us has always been on a higher plane/level and NOT in the socially conditioned lowest strata... which matters a lot... really a lot...Also the extent of oppression, subjugation faced by us can in no way be compared to the people who were born in the "category - other than General category of  caste and community ". Again I am not saying that there are no poor people in General Category- but life lead being compared is not financial comparison but "societal position"--- How many times have we not heard this comment- " oh that girl/boy inspite of being born in .... is forced to work at this place.. ; inspite of belonging this... is not able to progress/smart enough...... etc.. etc..".

We have been privileged to be born in a family where for our parents age 4 of a child signifies admission to school without hesitation.whereas even in cities today number of children are not sent to balavadi or school till they 6 years due to lack of funds.

There was a whatsapp video doing rounds which said that even if an SC/ST candidate gets "zero" he will be eligible for admission in IIM's where as people of "General Category" or "FC" who had struggled for 3 years taken intensive coaching but missed the seat due to 1/2 percentile, which is claimed as unjust.

I have only one question, where the video maker took so much of effort to create the video to prove that a zero can get a reserved candidate an admission, it would have been equally nice  if he had taken some more effort to find out (1) how many SC/ST applicants where there in these high profile elite institutions like IIT and IIM and how many such applicants managed to procure seat with a zero.
(2) And out of these candidates how many belonged to places which did not fall under the category of Tier A, B, C cities  - from the interior rural core villages,
(3) Do we know how many had actually applied/ Are actually aware of the existence of these institutions and possibilites?
(4) Also if there was any change in the curriculum these students had to study because of their reserved category or had they to compete with all students with the same curriculum.

While writing this piece I looked up Census report  Socio Economic and Caste Census 2011 --Census report of SECC 2011    in Wikipedia which states 

• 5.4% of rural India has completed high school.
• 3.4% of rural households have a family member who is a graduate

 Our population is 1.2 billion , if that is the case when we do our math/ or even if we don't can we imagine the number of people who are from rural background and/or striving or aspiring for elite institutions from the 3.4% of 1.2 billion..

There are memes which say that Obama takes deserved and India has reserved candidates.. How far is this true ? Who are the people who aspire to go out.. Do they alone form our country. Only if I know that there is a choice for me other than what is provided will i be required to choose , what if I do not know I have a choice then ?...

There could be a  Maximum of 1 crore govt employees.. The number of internet uses as per http://www.internetlivestats.com/internet-users/india/ form 34.8 % of our  population  around 31 lakhs are central government employees and considering the employees of all state governments put together it could be a maximum of 1 crore or 2 crore . My math may be wrong. I could not get the exact details.. but even on a rough estimate.. the percentage of reserved candidates who could definitely be employed in Governement and public sector establishments could form a maximum of 2% of the total population.. what about the rest.... ?

As a middle class urban family person, I face a lot of limitation, so what would the scene be for a low income/BPL rural family. Can I even imagine or empathise. It is not possible for me. 

Before we sign a petition for anything be it for reservation or anti. I guess it is important for us to understand what exactly we are doing and whether our act is going to be beneficial or detrimental. 

On a simple case , The Right to Education Act 2009, came into force in 2010.( A report on the status of implementation of the Act was released by the Ministry of Human Resource Development on the one-year anniversary of the Act." The report admits that 8.1 million children in the age group six-14 remain out of school and there’s a shortage of 508,000 teachers country-wide." also, till date to the best of my knowledge the said act has not been implemented in any of the elite urban schools which are top ranked for academic performance. If this is not discrimination then what is...?

Do we Know the number of street children who have not got a chance to study under RTE; forget reservation...

It is easy for us to do lip service and sympathise and state "Oh ! so sad! I understand that they are having a bad deal..... but....." Exactly,,, that "but " is what matters. I remember attending a meet after the rains  where I met a young social worker whose speech touched me to the core, It made me realise  that there is no need to feel any sense of benevolence /pride/satisfaction /happiness for the little acts of kindness extended by us as there was much more to be understood and taken care of. She had a very pertinent question " You fight for your property rights when a piece of land owned by your father /forefathers is not judiciously divided.  Where is your sense of righteousness when just like that people who have settled for generations in an embankment are thrown away in the name of rehabilitation from their homes, livelihoods of period spanning from 25-50 years. Why do you not consider it fair to fight for the right of these people - Who are entitled to the right of rehabilitation in and around their area where they have spent more than a generation . How can you disagree/disallow a fight for their rights. They are not an eyesore as long as it was sunny once it rains they have become eye sore and unaesthetic due to rains and clogged drains"... This question has been echoing in my mind since then... 

There were memes which said " maid in India is more important than Made in India"... friends , I am sure that all of you are aware that this facility to have another human work for us as a maid is not available for all of us who aspire to study and stay abroad in the land of LUCRE.. There however , big or small our house/apartment/villa is .. we have to clean your own clothes, vessels, bathrooms toilets, gardens, lawns etc.. as otherwise we need to pay high charges.. we are willing to do our own house-work in a country that is not our own.. due to limitations , but not willing to be considerate towards the "maid" who does not allow us to do the "dirty work" in our own country... Is this fair to another human being..?  

I am not here to preach or advice , I might be right, or wrong, friends you may  agree or disagree that is your choice.. But these thoughts were passing through my mind for quite sometime. I feel that before we fight against policies like reservation, it is very important for us to be aware of what we are doing and are we justified in doing it., because to me  it appears that not many are actually "aware of their privileges" with which they are born. .

On a last note, I overheard a conversation in a house where funeral rites where just completed and there was excess food which was being packed to give to the needy instead of throwing it to the dustbin causing needless waste. One of the guests remarked that  on a similar occasion, when they went to give the food to the people of streets. one woman asked her "madam, today there was a death in your house and after the rites, you cannot eat leftovers in the night so instead of using the dustbin or throwing it to the dogs you thought you could share it with us.. Suppose tomorrow something like this happens in my house, will it be okay if I can come and give you the left overs ..would you accept it. after all both of us are human beings" Friends, more than anything I felt sheer admiration for the gutsy illiterate lady who "dared" to voice her protest and displeasure ..

I learnt that self respect arises for the self irrespective of the area, caste, clan, creed, community, race, sex, gender, country you are born in . It is more important for us to accept people as human beings first no matter where they are. 

Hoping that there are more humane humans...

Feminism in everyday life...

              Have been reading about  and sharing a number of posts on feminism. My mind is always thinking and was on overdrive this morning on this. I was recalling a few conversations with a few of my feminist friends. This group of people do also have spouses who support/ accept their stance. One of them remarked that "we should be grateful for the support and encouragement we get from our husband in what we are doing.". I was thinking about this precise statement today.

             After wandering around my thoughts  kind of settled on the impact of patriarchal conditioning in feminist mindset.  Here by feminist I don't mean women alone but my male friends too.

              " Feeling of gratefulness".  I was wondering suppose man of the house was working for a particular cause, we women  usually tend to brag about his involvement, his principles virtues etc. We also tend to show our appreciation of  their knowledge and work  not only to them, but also  our near and dears and also ensure that our children are aware of the good work the father is doing.We will also try to not burden him with mundane daily / routine chores. So much so within the close circle of family he is well appreciated and work recognised. 
   

             At this point it is to be noted that a majority of women (working& homemakers)  who need not be feminist/ activist are like this even if the spouse is not a feminist/ activist, AND I am not speaking about them. I am only talking of family where  both the spouses are feminist or  the man of the house agrees with the lady in her principles and convictions.

         Now when such a   lady is  involved in blogging,conducting meets,organising programme, participating in them-- she also does her routine office/ domestic work, takes care of her children's needs ,plays the role of  

" Woman"  of the house so that she can work on her passion and activism. 

  

               Since days of yore, when any woman achieves something her first line of speech would be “I place on record utmost gratitude to my spouse who has always encouraged me, my in-laws , my parents for supporting me and my children for” forgiving me” during my absence .”  Friends are you able to observe our patriarchal conditioning here. If we want this to be a thing of past then what needs to be done? 

              Feminism is not posting memes against roti makers but it means practicing at every second in daily life. I want all my friends who consider themselves feminist and are family men to start working and practicing what they preach – be it involving in daily “mundane” chores like vegetable cutting,grinding, cooking, coffee/tea making, folding clothes  cleaning shelves, cleaning vessels, sweeping, mopping, buying vegetables/groceries and whatever else needs to be done for the smooth functioning of homefront.  (In case you are already aware and practicing it , my heartfelt appreciation). In my personal experience  I have noticed that my  friends and me  attend meets, programmes, and try hard to get back home as early as possible  since there are umpteen things to be done and taken care of  like-

•   Getting Lunch/dinner ready to prepare and serve. 
•   Attending  to Inlaws who would be waiting with impatience and discontent
•   Children would be unhappy with our   absence need more attention  
•  Next day would be a working day/weekday/festival/function for which        preparations need to be made
•    Kids exams/projects/drama/rehersals to be taken care off etc

          So in this scenario I want all men, who are feminists to help us overcome “our  conditioned guilt”  for our absence by establishing in the household , to the inmates and children in particular  that - 

•  Cooking is a chore/skill which either of the parents can manage 
•  Homework/Project/assignment is something that the father can also help   out with as the mother is involved in  an “equally” important work. 
•  Sweeping, cleaning, washing are  gender neutral chores . 
• Explaining to the children clearly by words and deed that both mom and dad are capable of having interests outside of work which is okay, and
•  it is okay for either parent to absent themselves for a few hours in this regard.    

           Why am I so particular about this is , because I have noticed that we women do not like our children to raise their voices against their father; make fun of their cooking and cleaning abilities; complain about fathers to close relatives or friends . We are very consciously taking efforts to correct their behavior, attitude  in respect of their father . Where as when roles are reversed  I find that many fathers do not intervene when child is fighting/arguing with  or raising voices at the mother. ; fathers tend to  join the teasing ; agree with the complaints etc. By being silent or by joining hands with them the children gain the impression, that anything is okay with mothers … a taken for granted attitude.
            A child can accept , if papa is late - not if mama is. So it would be easy both for the mother and the child to understand if the “feminist” father explains this to the child.A number of friends’ spouses are excellent husbands; wonderful human beings; great supporters of feminism ; but remain “SILENT” in areas where they need to talk AND establish equality of their wives specially at the homefront .If it starts at the homefront of a few , the children would learn to accept that there is no gradation whatsoever in the love and responsibility between parents and it will help in the “conditioning” and might improve the future generation.

             Similarly if a friend/ visitor/colleague/ relative tries to “just joke” about you being “henpecked” or a”Madurai man” or suffering due to your “equality principle” or makes any other sexist remark in the presence or absence of your spouse, it would be of great help if you could make a try to get them to understand that their view points and comments are not relished. It would be nice if you can be more vocal about your stand to be  in support of  your wife against any kind of sexist ideas /remarks. This helps us in a number of ways. Mainly, in this patriarchial society a put down from a man/ explanation from a man is accepted and at times considered too. Since, a number of adults in the family and society need to “unlearn” and “ relearn” various things  we need to use all and any method that works to get our point across. 

              Every act of ours is watched , observed and imbibed by our children . If we want our principles and convictions "isms" to be accepted by one and all  we should start from our home as the “cliché” states "Charity begins at home" and "little drops of water make a mighty ocean".

Impact of patriarchy in the conditioning of women

Impact of patriarchy in the conditioning of women. : Remarriage of a widower or male divorcee with or without children to an unmarried girl/woman is an acceptable and normal practice. The reason being that it is tough for a man to live his life alone specifically when he has children and if they are girls then the presence of a mother in their life is essential. ' poor man' how can he bring them up without a lady in the house. While looking out for a girl suitable for him preference is always for unmarried woman albeit slightly older, or a young girl from a poor family . in case that doesn't work out then the second option is for a widow without issues and lastly a divorcee without issue. These kind of markers need not be specified by the man but are the accepted norms as per his mother , sisters and female relatives. More so if he is slightly well to do. The common train of thought is " in the process the poor girl will get a better life and she can also help her family economically." This thought is not an age old practice and not even 25 years old but still in vogue even among the so called educated ' class'. Contrarily , if a lady is divorced or widowed and considering Remarriage , the father and family members themselves lookout for alliances only of those boys who are widowed/ divorced. The very thought of considering a young unmarried bachelor would not cross the mind of the girl or her closest family members. And if she is having child/ children then the first process to be thought of the age of the child , the age of the lady, whether marriage is really required, or can she manage without a partner etc will be discussed and discussed and rehashed by one and all .Suppose she does get remarried then the whole family looks upto the groom gratefully for having given " life and respectability" to their girl. By chance if the groom is unmarried then there would be no end to the feeling of veneration bestowed on him. If it is felt that this kind of veneration and gratitude for the benevelonce felt for the married or unmarried man is only by the parents . it is not so .. It is primarily felt by the lady in question. You know what she feels immense gratitude to the man who has given her a LIFE. She a '" Defective/unlucky/who is not' a virgin/who was cursed with ill luck/a non marketable commodity" has been absolutely lucky in her life. .THIS IS THE IMPACT of PATRIARCHY. My friends. And once again I would like to tell you this is not a medievalist thought but exits even this day in 201