A young girl brought up in a relatively
conservative family with a
discipliniarian for her father, managed to complete her graduation with great
difficulty. Among three daughters she
was considered rebellious by nature since she dared to
question the authority of her, father at times, though not always , the other two girls were very docile and
implicitly obedient and never opposed
the “ head of the family – the father”
overtly or covertly.
One act of rebellion by this girl whom I shall call “A” was a dare to take up
employment against the wishes of her father and decide to stay away from home
too. The father could not digest the fact that one of his off-springs and that
too a girl to boot, dared to go against
his wishes. Hence, he decided to wash her hands off by giving her in marriage
to an orthodox / conservative family , so that she may be put in place.
A was a reasonably friendly
person who had good friends in both sexes. Apart from her authoritative father ,
she had devout and loving mother, who kept reassuring her that the all –
pervading God would take care of difficulties of each one. Both the parents ,
instilled in the children the
following facts :
1.
Family
was of “Prime importance” and
should be given priority at all
costs.
2.
Father
was the head of the family else it would be the senior most Man, and his word is law.
3.
Woman
have certain roles to play and rules to
abide by which they should not cross at
any time.
4.
Before
taking any action the reflection /consequence of the said act on the parents,
siblings, spouse, inlaws should be taken
into consideration.
5.
No
act of the girl should bring about any shame or loss of face to the members of the family especially the head.
6.
All problems inside the family should be
sorted in-house and it was unwise to take
the same or discuss about it
outside the four walls of the family home.
Though A was a reasonably intelligent
girl and with a questioning nature, she imbibed the above qualities and did not
think it right to question them since
her mom was doing a great job managing an authoritarian husband and children –
simply on her own strength and devotion to God and with no support from
outsiders including her maternal relations.
A
got married to a boy of her father’s choice. It was a reasonably grand affair
and the strict patriarch much against his usual norms succumbed to the demands of the groom’s
family since he was not happy with the
daughter’s decision to work away from
the family home and he was convinced that over a period of time, things would
settle down.
The
groom was a graduate and a journalist in
a very renowned newspaper holding a very senior post. The wedding was attended
by a lot of dignitaries and wished by politicians, Members of Parliament,
Ministers etc.
The
girl was in the seventh heaven in the
knowledge, that the man she married had
such high contacts and should have been well liked by one and all to be so
greeted. One small factor proved troublesome which was
that the groom was a smoker and an occasional drinker. But her father, had
convinced her that since he himself was smoker, A should know that it was only
a bad habit and not a character flaw and social drinking was not a crime. The
groom talked less in front of elders
and it was considered a good sign of obedience and submissiveness.
A
was impressed by his talent to read 4-5 books at a time , writing
poetry,sketching . He was a veena player which was A’s favourite instrument of music.
Post
the euphoria of wedding, A went to settle down in her in-laws place. Her marital family consisted
of 4 members only including herself. There were no relatives on her
Father-in-laws side but the Mother in
law had a number of siblings, nephews and nieces , working in very high
places.
A
day or two after settling down the girl started facing reality.
1) She was not allowed to wear
salwar or nightdress.
2) The dress she has to wear ,along with jewellery and hairstyle would be dictated by her husband only both
inside and outside the house.
3) She was not to visit any
neighbours in the flat nor indulge in chitchat with vendors, milkman, liftman etc.
4) All valuable belongings
should be handed over to her spouse and mother in law for safe keeping.
5) No savings bank account to
be maintained individually by her -only jointly with spouse .
6) No communication may be received or sent orally or
written with any members of her family
without the knowledge and permission of both the spouse and in-laws. All
letters should be addressed by one and all to the father in law and he will
read out the letter or relay the conversation as he deems fit.
7) No question of privacy
/secrecy for the youngest member, every member of the family can go through her
shelf, handbag etc.
8) Money would be dealt with
by the father-in-law and mother-in-law only.
9) Bus charge to and from
office should be requested from the father in law and that too a sum not
exceeding Rs. 5/-. Any balance amount should be returned and accounted for.
10)
Not
to interact with any visitors or guest
to the house unless called for and introduced. To remain in the kitchen
, unseen and unheard.
11)
No
coffee or tea in the morning without serving it first to all others in the
house.
12)
Food
should be served by her to all the other members, of the family and only then
eaten. Leftovers of previous day should first be finished before eating the
day’s left over. Only these kind of habits would instill custom tradition and
values of the olden days.
13)
A
should sleep in the corner, of the hallcumdiningcum bedroom of the single
bedroom house during her periods on a mat with a tattered clothing stuffed
pillow. She should not appear before her husband during the three days and on the fourth day she should have her bath
much before sunrise in cold water and get herself purified before entering the “household”.
The above is small list of dos and donts but enumerating
the whole list would not serve the purpose
of establishing the impact of patriarchy.
A managed to send a letter to arelative stating that she
found the practices and treatment meted
out to her as abnormal and difficult to undergo. But she was caught and made to
swear on her mother and husband to not commit
such unlady like crimes which would harm the interest of the family .
Being a devout person, she made the
promise and abided by it dutifully . But one act of transgression led to
invasion of her office space, daily search of handbag etc.
The foolish girl
in the mistaken notion of “family” and “ family honor” that all sufferings can be and should
be endured –strictly abided by the dictum. The very thought to
transgress or break rules enforced did not cross her mind for 2 reasons ---
a) Family
was supreme and married girl will
be considered respectable if and only if
she lives or dies in her marital home – Return to parents house was strict no no.
b) What about the honour of
her parents which she will put at stake in case of a breakup and how the said
act would afftect the life of her other unmarried siblings.
Lastly , she thought she was an educated girl and
expected to handle her own problems without relying on the support of anyone
else and she had to prove her truthfulness and integrity to the marital home.
ALAS , what a pack of nonsense , her belief was . While
thinking about it I was wondering what if she had come across programmes on
Gender violence, gender awareness, equality between sexes and mainly to the
fact of impact of Patriarchy. If she was made aware of acts which could be considered as downright breach of privacy,
abuse, infringement of rights it would probably have made a difference . Women
should be taught that standing up for fulfilment of basic needs does not fall into category of
transgression of “customs, tradition, etc”.
To cut a long story short, A was subsequently rescued by
her father whom the society considered a bold and courageous man.
But this story is not retold here to add a statistic to
the innumerable such happenings, rather it is to emphasis the need and importance to bring about gender
awareness, sensitization in upbringing of children. Parenting does not involve
just instilling values ,ethics, teaching shloka, customs , practices ,
celebration of festivals and their importance. It also involves teaching
children to distinguish a right act from a wrong one, to inculcate the
confidence in them to stand up for their rights, to make them feel worthy of
themselves whether they live within the institution of marriage or without.
The various facets of gender , emotions and feelings
should be made known to them and they should be guided and made able to
distinguish one from other.
The impact of patriarchy into the life of men women and
children should be taught to them along with all other essentialities.
