10th Death anniversary of My Father

27.03.2015 is the tenth death anniversary of my father. Every parent makes a great impact on a child and my father was no exception. We were three sisters with no male siblings and this proved a great disappointment to our father.

My father was a path breaker  of his times, who came up the hard way. He managed to finish schooling and earned his way through the subsequent qualifications he received and became a Merchant Navy Officer through sheer grit , hard work and focused determination. There are countless stories he would narrate to us  most interesting  of them being telling us how he learnt typing,  how he managed to earn money to apply for jobs, how he was threatened with ostracisation for having chosen a sea-faring job, how he was insistent that he would marry my mom only .
There is no singular  aspect about him  that I want to write, but some of the thoughts that flow through my mind at various points  that I can recall about him .  I would like to tell a few lines about my siblings and me. Among the three of us , my elder sister was burdened with his hopes , aspirations and expectations to excel in studies, sports, music, house hold chores, cooking  and what not. A very meek and obedient daughter who very rarely raised her voice or presented her opinions to him till her wedding. After which too, he continued to play an important role in her life, which has impacted her in a very huge way. 

My younger sister , is one resilient person who  reacted very rarely  to   his demands and expectation, emotional expressions, but silently became (without being meek) an academic achiever and self made person in her own manner. Out of the three, I was my father's pet since day one and his  challenger and outspoken rebel almost till the end.

My mom was "only a housewife" who did speak occasionally but was always more concerned in ensuring that inspite of being "Girls" her children should be educated , employed and financially independent  during their life time. To this end, she has made a lot of sacrifices, undergone lot of hardships, made a lot of commitments and adjustments but was steadfast in her focus and goal of educating her girls.

If there is something I appreciate about my parents relationship it is that  , there was absolutely no secrets my dad kept from his wife. He was one person , who no matter what , will ultimately confess the thoughts, inputs, comments, feelings that plague his mind at various times. I still remember my mom telling me, that "all said and done, your father always informed me of his thoughts." Similarly , there is one area which he trusts only my mother's decision and that is in the area of food habits of children. He will blindly tell us to  eat what is put on our plate and till his last breath , ate what amma gave him. Of course, he was particular about the kind of food he wants, the way it was cooked and style of cooking and especially strict in not using the mixie for grinding but always insisted on the use of the traditional grinding stone  - that there should be only one type of cooking , no catering to individual tastes etc., but still all those would be the broad framework within which my mom was allowed to operate .And if he ever praised my mother it was always to state that she made the best chappatis and she had no inhibitions regarding food where as he was more particular. 

My father was a true dictatorial patriarch , because of whom I became a staunch feminist right from my childhood. As with every human being, there were a lot of positive and negative qualities in my father , I do not know how to say this, because or inspite of this he made a huge impact in all our lives.  

For a very long time, inspite of being my father's pet,  I felt that a father is a person to whom you go only as a last resort. He is the "king" of the house and mine was an "absentee king" due to his job. And my mom's ultimate  dictum of disciplining would be " please ask your  father".

Inspite of being strict , he was instrumental in making all of us, good correspondents, book lovers, information seekers, punctual, obedient beyond requirement, principled, honest and lot of other virtues and vices  which,  I am sure , left to myself , I would have simply not imbibed. The lazy truant that I am , I would have easily avoided taking the hard way  and would have been lazily lounging without a care in the dream world which I enjoy very much.

He was such a task master, who always had a proverb or saying to counter my arguments- as I was the only person who argued with him very frequently in whichever mood he was . His most favourite where "Charity begins at home", "Where there is a will there is a way", "You can take a horse to the water but you cant make him drink", "Penny wise , pound foolish|" , "Money is for spending but spending for useful purposes", " A bad workman blames his tools"  are some that rush to my mind now. Apart from this he used to give us more in malayalam, sanskrit , hindi and tamil .

For the last few days that which has been resonating in my mind is his favourite which was "kshama balam shakthanam, ashaktanaam bhushanam kshama"- meaning " Virtue of patience is the point of strength to the strong person and an ornament for the weak".

I am not a very patient person and unless the situation demands I do not like to sit still think/contemplate etc... but prefer to go forward with whatever I feel right. But it could be because of my broadening horizons, demands on me from my near and dear and my constantly thought filled mind, this particular proverb is ever present making me introspect at every turn whether I  am a mentally strong or mentally weak.

I never appreciated my father very much during his life time , though the adage that it is not right to speak ill  of the dead is not something I follow in the context of my father . However,  in the recent past , I find some of his ideas were and are   outrightly radical and progressive, even today  and which most parents are not willing to consider at all . What he told us around 30 years back seems to  make a lot of sense today too.

He has been one person, who taught me how to be and how not to be . Of course there are a lot of my acquaintances who taught this to me but he is one of the first who taught me both -  with his behaviour intelligence most importantly attitude.

In the concept of marriage - he always used to hold the thought that "just because I am father of a girl I would not allow the grooms side to dictate terms to me ". And inspite of holding on to this thought and following his idea , he had the best sons in law. All three of them were with him, especially the eldest son in law , who was with him from the day he entered our house as more of son and brother than an in law  till  the minute my father breathed his last. And we are all indebted to our eldest brother in law more ways than one - Me especially,  My eldest brother in law and his relationship with our family and me (specifically)  is a  topic on which I am sure I can easily write volumes.

My father was very lucky to have three excellent sons in law who were all excellent relations and human beings in their treatment of my father - irrespective of his behaviour towards them at various times.This is one fact my father kept harping on till he lost his cognitive abilities on 12th March , 2005. He kept repeating that  "inspite of all that I have done and not done to my sons in law and daughters , their treatment towards me is exemplary and I am forced to think if I deserve them at all."

Before he lost his voice I still remember he kept me awake throughout the night telling me about what he has understood about his daughters and sons in law and how blind he had been, how unaware he had been. On that particular day , what I most appreciated was that inspite of not being able to communicate and use the right words  he was determined to convey all that was in his mind . The words in his mind and those he uttered would not match and he would make me tell the synonyms, or similar words till he got what he want and then finish his sentence.

He told me " I do not know why, I am not able to talk the words in my mind , so I will tell you if  I have spoken a word  which does not make sense, help me find the right word for what I think." Frankly speaking I was irritated , because , I was tired of work during the whole day, had not seen my children  for more than 2 days, to top it all was feeling sleepy tooo. My father sensing my displeasure told me "please bear with me I know you are sleepy and tired ,but I feel if I do not share my thoughts today, I would not be able to do so later , so even if you are irritated , you have no choice but listen to me ". This was at 2.00 am. and with great disinterest I continued to converse with him. And true to his words , he lost his voice soon after and could not converse - which added to my guilt.

Similarly  his idea of parenting was a whole is not acceptable to me, he was one impartial parent  in all issues  that mattered and some of his ideas -though not same method- is followed by me till date.

Similarly, there are number of days I think that if my father had been the way he was in the last 6 months then,  at least for some time during his lifetime I am sure I would have benefitted a lot from him. His knowledge of politics, Law,- be it marriage laws, property laws, constitutional laws, direct taxation , indirect taxation, he made it a point to read and learn as much as possible,, similarly his ideas on construction , reading the fine print in every terms and conditions we agree too.. are some of the things that I  learnt by  observing him and would have been happy to learn from him.

He was an excellent mathematician and gave a lot of importance to every step  involved in the solution of a specific problem - be it academic or a day to day expenditure. My first memories of his teaching me something was in the topic of "buoyancy" in physics, which lesson I have not forgotten   and which made me decide to choose my sister as a teacher  as she was more patient with fools than my father.

Yesterday, while talking to my daughter  I learnt a valuable lesson , that it need not be your peers or elders alone who have something to teach you, even your kids have a lot to teach you. This was one lesson  which my father learnt  when it was too late for him and he regretted the fact very much.

Today , I feel, that no one can  claim to be the best parent, no method  of parenting can be claimed to be the best method, there are no hard and fast rules in parenting techniques, but if there is one thing , we can all do is always keep our ears , eyes and mind open to ideas, and inputs received from every human being -irrespective of their age /status/position or relationship .

What Are We Doing As Parents?

An early morning conversation with my colleague yesterday ,triggered a lot of feelings in me as a Girl/Lady/Parent and most importantly as a Feminist. 

My friend is a father of two girl children, I  casually enquired about the future academic plans of his elder daughter which set off the trigger in him.  He was very vociferous and bubbling with repressed anger on the demands of his "girl" "child". According to him, the child may have lots of plans , dreams, etc., but it was not in "his" portfolio to cater to the same.   Suppose, the child did not succeed the  chosen field, then there was no way she was going to be indulged by giving her a break of one yer for more intensive coaching and preparation, as she will be around 24 years on completion of the course. After all she is a girl and he has a responsibility  to get her married, which he proposes to do at 22 years. or maximum 23 years. so I suggested, any way after her schooling , let her go for a graduation in college and then decide. 

He said and " emphatic NO"  Why? sheer waste of money. She can always get a degree through correspondence try her luck doing something else parallelly, worse come to worst , after all  she is a girl and  "Üdhyogam  Purusha lakshanam". being a girl she can get a job in bank, government, public sector etc if required.

This attitude of my friend which I have been observing for the last 6 months has triggered a lot of questions in my mind.At this  point , I would like to add, that to my knowledge this is nto an isolated case, but the attitude of more than 60 % of my colleagues  and friends. 

It is important for a girl to study if possible professionally but the parents duty comes to an end only on her marriage. why? because she is our "responsibility and once given away in "kanyadaan" there ends the matter .

For more than 2 years I have been actively taking all steps to create awareness on the equality of sexes and promotion of the concept that there is a distinction between sex and gender. In this scenario, this type of interactions cause immense pain and rage in me , not knowing what to do  and a feeling of utter helplessness .

Why would not the parent not allow her education in a college? Simply because at this level or stage of schooling she has a lot of friends around 30-40 and the number will increase in college . Similarly her desire to acquire and possess all material things that her friends  possess like, cell phone, laptop, ipad, etc would also increase . He asks me , "do you want  me to waste money like that? No Not required, "Very feebly I suggested , why dont you sit and talk with the child and explain the family situation on all fronts, like economic, cultural, background instead of confrontation or a strict "no". 

He said, "No Not required, next you will say that I will have to dance to her tunes and satisfy all her needs and indulge her. No chance, that is not the way I operate. There has to be a limit and a line drawn. "

Now I am more than enraged , I am livid and it took all my self control to keep my lips shut and nose out of the issue. My mind started working overtime and issued all these questions to me one after the other :
1) What does he expect from the child?
2)If a child is adamant or demanding during its teenage, it would not have come all of a sudden, . How had we handled this earlier.? If our financial situation does not allow us to indulge our child then what is the harm in explaining the same to the child in the age appropriate manner, giving the child a sense of belonging and responsibility ?
3)Why does he feel that she is a subordinate  or someone who has to listen to him  only
and not express any of her ideas or notions?
4)What about the girl? what will be her mental state?Considering that she has to struggle for everything at every stage, be it for literacy,education, or economic independence.
5)Accepting he is right and the girls accepts all that he says, what guarantee has he that his "responsibility"is over after her marriage? or does that mean that any thing that happens to her after wedding is no more his concern?
6)What will happen to the girl after her marriage? how will she handle situations? suppose something goes wrong will the child be able to face life independently? Can she trust her parents for refuge? will she have the ability to trust and learn and assess people around her?
7) These days children are exposed to various people events, ideas etc. Assuming she confides her problems to a few of them, and is being taken undue advantage of then will she be able to face the situation and life after this?
8) Is that all a girls life is all about, studies , employment marriage?. She is only a matter of responsibility and nothing more.?

When I see these kind of people around me ,  I learn to differentiate and understand the difference between literate, educated and lettered. As Kalpana Sharma rightly said these people are "lettered" but are they educated?

No matter how much education, exposure we have, if we do not change our view point and attitude then what is the whole point. Are we wise because we know the tonnes of religious shlokas/mantras/verses and follow all rituals and ceremonies diligently and blindly without a care or thought to  the emotional, physical, pshycological state of the people around us.

When we point fingers we are very clear on where and with whom the mistake is . Is it not required of us to introspect and correct ourselves ? Is learning not about understanding and correcting our selves to evolve into a better  person.

I agree that there is no right way and wrong way in parenting  and I am the last person to advise another on how to bring up a child , when I am not aware of the concept, but I firmly believe, children always need our support and care specially when they are not fully independent. Hence, it is essential for us to assure them and reassure them always that we will be there for them  but at the same time  their overall development to emerge as an individual is also our responsibility.

It is not only our duty to school them in academics but also in behaviour, values life skills so that they they are able to lead their life with or without somebody's support.  

Why do I need feminism?

Everyday, a number of questions cross my mind on various issues, on their own or while seeing , peoples behaviour, attitude etc.. Today , one such discussion was with a couple of my friends who wanted to know what is it you want. ? In fact , they were saying that I was neither a full atheist , nor a full theist, nor agnostic,  could not accept me as a skeptic ?(if I delve into this topic this blog will never get written and so also our arguments also never end) I told them first and foremost  I am a feminist and then I am a humanist. They wanted to know why? and what  I mean by feminism? I said even in the days when I was a devout worshipper/religious person/ believer...... I was first a feminist. My father, the Head of the Family was a strict disciplinarian who believed in the dictum , My Ship My Order. Also , according to him , it is not required that women have education / employment / empowerment etc... It was my mothers sheer will, motivation and encouragement that made all three of us - GIRLS - educated, employed, empowered and independent both  individually and economically. 

My earliest memory of feministic argument started when I was around 8 years old and it has continued since. I was always against the discriminatory attitude meted out against girls and the double standards held between two sexes. However, there was very little I could do about it. My only wish which I had been mentioning till very recently was.  " If there is a next birth then in that case I would very much like to be born a boy and do JUST AS I PLEASE".  I do not know how many of  you can identify with this but ,that was a constant prayer. Because , anything I wanted to do ,  I was forbidden , or considered defiant simply because I was a girl and I had to do what was told to me. 

Now this being my background, if I considered something an unimaginable treasure, it is my friends, They were always there for me to ground me, console me, motivate me, educate me and help in my evolution and one act of rebellion which I continued from my 15th year was I had friends in both sexes much to the displeasure and anger of my father. But these friendships have gone a long way to make me what I am. But all this is beside the topic. 

Because, in todays discussion, the question was what is it that my group of Gender Awareness Promoters aim to achieve. What are we thinking and doing and how does it matter?. What do you want to achieve with YOUR FEMINISM. 

This Question is being thrown at me very often of late , by one and all, whether  near or dear or known or unknown. So the following is the introspection of my self and why I do need feminism . I am not sure I am going to be able to get all my points across , but I am going to give it my best. 

Here I would first love to state , that feminism is neither, mine or others but an absolute must as  50% of human population or "HALF THE SKY" as Nikolas Kristof  says is made up of women.

So the next question is Ok , So , what do you  want. ? Do you really think you are going to get freedom? If so what are you  going to do  with it.? I said I want to walk , act, dress, talk, behave and just BE what I want without being labelled as anything but just another human being. 

I do not want to be seen as a WOMAN but as a person who is in no way inferior or superior to another person.? 

So the next question thrown at me is How do you think you can achieve it . ?

Yes  I agree, it is a daunting task , but then it is important to educate the young people that binary difference of biological sex has got nothing to do with physical, mental, emotional, psychological capabilities and no one needs to feel less or more in comparison to another. and that is what we GAPies are doing.  And we are starting with children because they are growing and not filled with preconceived ideas , bias, notions and it is a good place to see the future being different from what it is. 

Next argument - No matter what you do in case there is a rape- it is only the girl who is affected and not the man or men who raped her. Yes accepted , that the personal inviolable space of the man /woman , girl/boy  and children (please understand that men do get raped) is violated.

Yes , the personal space of a girl is violated, but when she has to suffer enough, physical emotional, mental and psychological pain as one would with any other accident, plus the excessive display of aggression, brutality we take great pains in making it a matter of HONOUR too. which is totally absurd.  If I meet with an accident on the road , the injuries caused to me are also painful and intolerable to me and in the case of rape it is escalated to total violation of a personal space and more painful. To this if you add other ingredients like , dress code, boyfriend, honour and all nonsense it is manifold and totally unwarranted.  And dress has nothing to do since children as young as 3 mths and women as old as 91 years are also getting raped. 

So by creating this Gender Awareness among school children we would like to teach the young people that ...... we should care for another person irrespective of sex (male/female) or gender ( which is a whole broad spectrum). So when this topic touched the Broad spectrum of gender, they brought up the issue of LGBT. which again with the little knowledge I had I defended saying that  NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO QUESTION THE PERSONAL SEXUAL ORIENTATION OF A PERSON AND THAT IT WAS A PERSONAL MATTER. It is not an unknown component and has been existing in all eras/period including sex with beast , which as every claim is made  today is part of OUR  INDIAN CULTURE tooo. 

The next shot .... "then there will be no decorum in society if every body starts living for the individuals need. The very fabric of society is going to be torn and that is meaningless and useless talk". One of them said , "I really do not understand what exactly is that you want with your fight for FEMINISM".

In fact, I think thinking and writing about each aspect of todays discussion will be more than  I can achieve in this single post . So I took up the FEMINISM aspect alone.  Why do  I need feminism?

I need feminism , because 

•  I want the boys to feel it is ok to cry and not be called girlie or sissy in a derogatory manner
• I want the girls  who do not cry not be called , "cold hearted" , "not gentle", "too arrogant" "too self involved" "trying to act like a man when the right thing would be to be a proper girl  cry and get  it over  with "
• I want the boys to feel okay if  they do not feel like playing with a truck but happy with a bunny.
• I want girls to feel okay and nice if they do not want barbie but GI JOE.
• I want the girls to learn - flying, aeronautics, thermodynamics, quantum physics and all those things which is considered an exclusive male domain  - and be okay with  it . Rather than be told :"please remember you are a girl and in future you have to take care of family so choose that which will help you to balance both."
• I want the girls, to feel free and wear  bermudas, shorts, skirts, long or short, dresses which they are comfortable in rather than dresses which do not "attract" attention or "disturb even the best man"
• I want girls to be completely okay with not having any artistic talents like , stitching, cooking, cleaning, drawing, knitting etc and not considered a"girl" with "Weird" notions since all she likes is chess, squash, reading papers the first thing in the morning, and discussing politics and finance rather than cookery and jewellery. 
• In short, I want the girls to have all the advantage and opportunity that today's boys have and boys to indulge in all those aspects of life which they are nurturing secretly , and  they are prevented from due to sex based strictures. 

This need of what I want with " my feminism" is endless  but most of all  I want FEMINISM because I want every boy and every girl to be comfortable in their own skin, with their own likes and dislikes and without criticism or comparison based on sex or gender , which is hurtful  and needless. 

I do not know if  I have made myself clear or my narration is valid but this exercise of mine has helped me immensely in putting things in perspective and also to reassure me that the road taken by the GAPies is a long one and the journey needs to be taken if we want to reduce and eventually remove the sex/gender based bias , problems, objectification , issues in the long run . 

I AM HAPPY BEING A FEMINIST AND I STILL WANT FEMINISM. 

FREE THOUGHT PARENTING

Spent a very educative and enlightening weekend attending Swathanthralokam 2014- National Seminar on Freethought and Science 2014. There were 14 sessions in all which discussed various topics .Among the 14 sessions there was only a single women speaker Geetha Tg  and she spoke about Freethought Parenting.  The speaker spoke for almost an hour with interesting anecdotes and a well paced narration as to how parents should go about inculcating the skill of logical reasoning and deducing conclusions to children who are within the age group of 4 and 18. 

I shall try to enlist some of the salient points of this speech, which can be used by all parents not only freethinkers... but all parents.

1) Please do not insist on implicit obedience... This insistence of implicit obedience of a parent or an elder in age, position, authority etc... Confines the child and forces the child to comply with instructions which would harm the physical, mental and psychological space of the young individual... 

Ø  That does not mean no rules, or no disciplining...  it means establishing rules, /or a broad frame work and reinforcing the same but with appropriate reasoning. 

Ø  Why no implicit obedience... because one of the major cause for a child to succumb to abuse is this reinforced instruction of "obey your elders...period."

2) Encourage the inquisitive and questioning nature of a child and answer the question asked in the best way possible as appropriate to the age and as truthfully as possible, be it about how children are born, or why is it we have eye brows. 

Ø  Today we have a friend in Google, using which both the parent and the child can learn to seek answers to questions.

Ø  Why is it essential to allow children to ask  questions to us – This is simply because it is safe for them to gain information from parents rather than outsiders since the information so received would be adulterated /unwanted/ unnecessary/untruthful- myths and ideas exposing the  child to danger too.

Ø  Encourage the habit of reading among children, which is one way to teach them to seek answers to the various questions which they come across.

Ø  A parent should understand that if the child does not seek replies or clarification of doubts from them then the child is getting information from an outside source which is not appropriate.

Ø  Why do we need to inculcate habit of reasoning and logic? Simply because in the journey of life we cannot accompany our children always... there is a proverb in Tamil “கட்டிக்கொடுத்த சோறும் கற்றுக்கொடுத்த சொல்லும் எத்தனை நாள் நிற்கும்.”

3) Teach children humanism and consent

Ø  By which that all people, male, female, transgender, irrespective of caste/creed/colour/occupation are worthy of respect.

Ø  The values of ethics, morality, dignity, truthfulness etc

Ø  These things need not be taught through lectures or speeches or in a preachy manner but it is essential for us to seize an opportunity when it presents itself a use it as a teachable moment.

She narrated an anecdote, whereby Shri Babu Gogineni taught his son and play mates the concept of consent and the necessity to respect another’s “NO”. While the children were playing, his son wanted to take a photo which the other children did not want, on observing this he very politely and firmly said, please respect their NO and understand that they do not wish to be photographed. This was told politely and firmly that it made a very good impression not only on his child but also on the play mates.

Ø   Why do we need to teach consent? Why should a child understand that only YES is a yes... and a NO or a MAYBE is always a NO.  We do not have to analyse the reason, it is all around us in the society in the form of forced, marriage/love/sexual assault/acid attack etc. Men and young boys and girls too refuse to respect a NO from another and try by hook or crook to make it and yes. It is also widely evident in our movies and media.

4) Answer the questions of children without patronising or condescending ...Allow the children to learn about all religions. They not only get their inputs from parents but also from the society comprising of friends, teachers, neighbours, relatives ,media to say the least. It is important for us to teach children to differentiate between right and wrong inputs/behaviours/practices etc.  We should always remember that children learn not only that which is taught to them but also imbibe our responses, reactions to them and others.

It is not wrong for a parent to apologise for their mistakes to the children. It is important for children to know that parents also falter and make mistakes and are not all knowing...

Salient Points in the course on Clinical and Psychological development of teens and young adults.

1.The  physical development,  the cognitive emotional development,  the interpersonal development and the way the child corresponds and interacts with the context kind etc. needs to be observed.

2. We expect development to be immediate. So we expect, your kids to just adapt to the time. Their capacity and their capability to become greater and you know, for them to just unfold this personal. But do know that development is really funky. That you know we can all identify times in our lives. Where we may have struggled with things that subsequently, became a great strength for us, and, and, and vice versa. Things that we really excelled at when we were younger that,  that, you know, we've lost, we've lost track of kind of things. So, development is bumpy, and we will always see ups and downs in particular areas.

3. Changes in the, in the home setup, causes  changes in his interpersonal development  also some of these relationships going awry, even if it's peers. are there changes in terms  of how his parents are able to support him and, and, so forth. And that would be the first question, is he responding to something or somebody.  Yeah.  The other thing to consider is that, you know, throughout early child. Key kind of physical and neural developmental changes.  Sometimes, you know, we see changes in children's behaviors, interactions. You know, they, they didn't struggle with something, suddenly they seem to struggle with.

4. In light of this, IJzendorrn et al conducted a meta-analysis including 230,000 children who'd been adopted or remained with their birth families, fostered or institutionalized to examine outcomes in height, weight, IQ, self-esteem, internalizing problems like anxiety and depression, externalizing or  behavior problems and attachment security. What they found they described as massive catch-up, particularly noticeable in height and weight, but also IQ and self-esteem showed no difference compared to children who'd grown up in their birth families.

5. Externalizing problems were slightly more prevalent. Attachment security was lower than that for birth children, at 47% compared to 60 to 70% in birth family children. But that's till twice as high as children who had been fostered or institutionalized. They concluded that adoption is a highly effective  intervention, building resilience, and mitigating against the risks of an early, challenging, childhood.

6. Therefore what we can see, is that this relatively low level, non-professional intervention, has dramatic outcomes for children, reducing that risk and increasing resilience.

7. As part of this growth, children have to go through a process of assimilation and accommodation. Assimilation, involves the inclusion of new information into existing schema or internal working models. Whilst accommodation, happens when a child is not able to assimilate information into an existing schema, and either has to change the schema or develop a new schema

8. Lorenz, was inspired to conduct a study involving goslings, which ultimately led to the imprinting hypothesis. In this study, Lorenz split a large hatch of goslings, leaving half with the mother, and taking the other half, and raising them himself.

Over the course of their development, the goslings quickly identified him  as their primary attachment figure. And followed him, copying his behaviour. He taught them to swim. He used to call them, with a special horn for feeding time and they always followed him.  When they were given the opportunity to return to their birth mother, they did not recognize her as such, instead preferring Lorenz.

9. This taught us about the importance and the probable biological nature of the bond between mother and offspring, in which the mother, or primary attachment figure, is the one who provides physical and emotional care, and nurturence.

10. Studies suggested, that mammals need reciprocal nurturing and attachment, as much as they need their physical needs met.  Bowlby hypothesised that since humans cannot survive without adult care, our evolutionary history has selected, 'pre-wired dispositions', on both the part of the adult and the child that ensure human survival.

11. From this basis, Bowlby developed model of attachment that is monotropic, that is, has a single attachment figure, is focused on survival of the  individual, and the species, and is integrated with human development, to both influence broader developmental outcomes, and the influence by individual and contextual factors.

12. Tasks were identified for caregiver and offspring that promote reciprocity, and ultimately autonomy. The goal was to maintain emotional and physical equilibrium of the offspring, thus, keeping their attachment system settled, allowing exploration and learning. During periods of distress, the attachment system is activated, and takes priority over the exploratory system. The regulation of emotion and behaviour, a task that the caregiver and infant accomplish together. Through reliable, responsive, and consistent care giving, the caregiver provides the infant with the necessary 'up-regulation', increasing the arousal and emotions. And 'down-regulation, settling of emotions that the infant needs.

13. Parents who are not attuned to the infants needs and cannot reliably, consistently provide care, leave the infant without the necessary external regulatory support. Over time, this develops into a complex system that affects the way that the child and eventually adult responds to their own needs and to those of others.

14. , Research shows that people with an insecure attachment style are overrepresented in the clinical population, and children with disorganized attachment styles, are at high risk of showing behavioural problems in childhood.

15.  Attachment and psychopathology and the relationship between the two of them. - First of all, there are  biological factors, including genetic and prenatal factors such as injury, maternal alcohol use, smoking, or drug use. Then there are  trauma and abuse, which might be physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, domestic violence, severe neglect, or major loss. We also have to consider the parents' own experience of being parented and the trauma, abuse, loss, or positive experiences they may have had. The parenting style might be authoritarian, authoritative, permissive.

16.  Reciprocity and autonomy are also important as well their availability in communication style.   .

17. The infants personality or temperament is also significant . This includes their thinking style, their mood, their preferences, their interpersonal functioning and the unique x factor that makes them just themselves. We have the other direct influences on psychopathology, such as IQ or learning. This might involve things like a global learning or intellectual disability, or specific learning difficulties like dyslexia, or simply access to educational opportunities.

Contemplations and Questions

I do say suicide is not the answer but what will my absence actually mean. Is there any purpose in life? In the huge cosmos , the earth is only a dot - so the people living on the earth are all the more insignificant.  My absence will be felt by near and dear ones for sometime. But life goes on. My existence or not does not make any difference in actuality.. May be there will be a difference for a few of them for a limited period of time but not always for everybody. Is it because of this  nonentity  type of existence that people live   as they do. 

When I consider  existence or  lack of  it -  is it also okay form me to consider 

the manner of existence --- values or principles like ethics, moral and justice during life. ?

By and large, all human beings are born, the few who are lucky get educated by that i mean  literate, and out of those a few get employed , find a means to earn money, marry and the cycle goes on. During this cycle, a large number of people do not get educated, do not find employment, find it difficult to follow the routine of so called " normal " living. 

Also , there are number of people who find it difficult to satisfy their daily pangs of hunger - food for sustenance  - am not sure if this dissatisfaction gives rising to the qualities called bestial - which makes them kill , steal or beg be violent .

In a manner of speaking I am able to accept that these people needs for bodily sustenance triggers them to behave in a very crude   manner.  Then again who am i to say what is crude and what is refined. 

What about those people who are "educated"  "well-employed" but still behave in a manner which disgusts their fellow beings. What causes people to behave in the manner in which they  do. They have neither respect nor care for their fellow human beings and their behaviour. Why is it people behave cheaply/crassly with no thought  to fellow beings.?

Is not our perception of ourself and our importance bigger than they actually are. Are we really productive ? Are we in any way useful to somebody. What will happen if we do not exist? What is the need for a life where we are neither useful or useless. What makes us think we matter? Our ego? Our need  for recognition? The farcial life we lead. What forms the basis for our presence here.? Why do we indulge in self pity when we know our existence or absence goes unnoticed in a larger scheme. Why is that rational decision taking is different. Why  cant i be like  others who dont waste their time questioning and thinking. So many questions ..

And last but not the least... is it  that we should/would raise these questions only when we are sad or have a bad mood. ? Is it wrong to question. I do not know. Seeking answers.. So much to learn .. so much to understand.. 

The importance of life

Two days back on 01.11.2014 I came to know that a young girl of 17 years committed suicide since she was scared to face her first semester exams. The news of suicides committed by children, have become almost a regular feature in our daily life. Suicide could be .due to failure in exams, not achieving expected mark/grade, not meeting parents expectation, feeling hurt because they were scolded harshly by their loved ones, felt insulted due to teachers'rebuke, fight between siblings, parents and last but not the least love failure.  I have been long wondering the cause for the students or rather children's inability to face failures in daily life..

Where are we going wrong?  By we, I mean the parents, teachers, friends and society in general. While bringing up children we place a lot of emphasis on the needs of the children at the same time, all of us want our children to study in the  " BEST schools", take up extra classes on fine arts, take up extra coaching, win all competitions right from kindergarden till their period as students, They should  , sing dance, act, orate, be good quizzer, speaker, artist... and a very good student . They should no doubt academically perform very well, also shine in the sports field, and what not.. Thinking back ,  I  feel being a child is such a tough task these days. 

From day one, the parents start expecting a lot from their children. They want their child to achieve all their failed ambitions, the goals  that they have kept in mind for their children to achieve,  all that they think is the "best" in the society. Their child should have the best paying jobs ,their child should become a person with  a  very high profile  so that they can bask in the glory of their child's achievement and be proud of the fact that they have done a great task, they have achieved the purpose of their birth , etc.

We as parents, teachers and the society as a whole fail in one basic aspect. We fail to give our child the required  confidence to face life. We do not teach our children that it is not a crime to fail in an exam, it is not a crime  if the child can only study and is not interested in any extra curricular activities, it is not the end of the world if a child is not interested in Maths/Science/History/Geography/Language/Arts/Music/Sports etc.. 

We as parents should first ensure that the health, safety, habits and character formation of the child requires more importance than, academic achievements. It is important for us to realise that it is not the end of our world too,if the child is not able to achieve our aims and ambitions. 

What is more important is for us to keep the communication channels with the children open. The child should feel free to share every thing that happens in their daily life without fear to their parents, The child should learn 'SELF WORTH'. To this end , we as parents should support  our children, and impose upon them the value of life.We have to constantly reassure them, that no matter what,  the child is more important than any of its achievement The child should feel confident that, even if the child is not a achiever but an average or below average student, in no way is the child inferior to its  parents.

So what, if the child does not get good mark, does not win a competiiton, does not play a particular sport inspite of excellent coaching, she/he is still our child and their life is very very important to us . We should reinforce  upon them that we are not going to judge or accept them based on their achievements or failures.We need to  reassure them that they are our children worthy of our love , care and affection at all times, at all places throughout our/their  life. 

We as parents need to sit back and think what is more important to us, our child - its well being , safety , good health and self confidence OR  fulfillment of our expectations,our needs, our aims  ,our status in the eyes of the society, friends, relative & family. Unless we do this kind of analysis , we will not be able to give our children the confidence to face life with all its pitfalls and downslides. 

Life is tough, not always easy but then that does not mean that a failure/sickness/setback however big or small should cause a person to contemplate suicide. Killing ourselves is not the solution to any problem and no point in any of us regretting the loss of our beloved child after the end of its life.

The smallest unit of society is a family and unless each  family accepts its child as such and does not compare the child with that of another or burden/pressurise the children ,it is very difficult for a child to live in today's  society . 

Today's  children have more exposure/distraction/needs/money/  and what not but what they do not have is a safe society, understanding and accepting parents, family,relatives or society. No matter how much material comfort we offer our children , what needs to be emphasised is the amount of attention, love and acceptance we give them  is more important than any material need. Children need our attention and presence and the reassurance  that their parents will always  be there for them.